To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

Also isn’t it the case that for statistics if a baby is mixed fed it doesn’t count as breastfeeding? Seems more likely and I wish they’d say only 35% of babies are exclusively breast fed. I hate how much anxiety it causes. There are so many other choices mothers make that have an equal affect of the child’s life but they aren’t under the same scrutiny. Almost as if breastfeeding is the target because the mother is the only one who can do that??
(I.e child’s diet and exercise, damp housing, stressful living conditions, relationships with adults, etc etc)

Just because bf rates are low doesn’t mean that ff mums aren’t judged.

I work in the maternity service, it’s my job to speak to mums about their experiences and I know this is something lots of women experience - often it’s from those who don’t have children themselves, or medical professionals changing tone or behaviour when you say you’re ff. I see a wide variety of attitudes from mums and from HCPs, and like I said earlier you can’t really win.

It’s time for a more personalised approach to feeding support and a more realistic attitude - my experience is that many women are terrified of being the sole person responsible for feeding a baby and bfing rates would improve massively if women were given more support re expressing and mixer feeding. If they want more babies to have breastmilk, it needs to stop being so all or nothing because that alone puts off so many new mums or mums with older children who feel it won’t be possible.

I genuinely have trauma from my attempts to bf and subsequent pumping - mentally and physically (it’s been two years and my back is still severely injured due to pumping - again, I was given no advice on pumping despite it being essential for one twin in particular and spending every day for two months in a bloody NICU). If I had another I’d be terrified to go through that again - my failure to bf definitely contributed to severe PND and anxiety.

This is work I’m trying to do in my local area. We are told that women are free to choose in many areas but I still see the attitudes from HCPs towards feeding, maternal request CS, homebirth etc. We have a long way to go.

The thing is your first post was a huge paragraph trying to justify your reasons for FF, so in a way you're almost shaming women who FF just did it because they wanted to by implying you only did because various factors pushed you to it.

Also when I was trying to bf I joined some fb groups, one of which was the most toxic environments I’ve ever encountered. The hostility and nastiness towards bottle feeders (even when EBM) was horrific - I’m sure that group is why I became so obsessed and still felt like I was a total failure despite working so bloody hard to get breast milk into my children. I doubt many of those women would have gone to the lengths I did but I was still heavily judged - so I think the group you’re in can massively affect what you see as the norm.

I was ‘shamed’ the most for mix feeding. Ds was losing weight, even though he was cluster feeding 24/7 for 2 weeks, not pooping properly and had ‘brick stain’ in his nappies. The HV offered no breastfeeding support other than checking latch (it was fine) and checking tongue tie (he didn’t have one)

When I asked for help with formula top ups she wouldn’t give any advice other than ‘just persevere with bf’ which I did for 3 weeks before buying some premade bottles and ds thrives since then.

We mix fed for 8 months when I weaned him off the breast ready for me going back to work.

I FF DS1 and BF DS2.

I really wanted to BF DS1 but for various reasons he was FF pretty much from the start. I know how it feels to see that 'breast is best' message on the can on formula and on formula adverts, it hurts! That messege though is not intended as judgement, it is just stating a scientific fact. Formula is a good substitute but it is not as good as breast milk. I even got upset that there were breastfeeding support group and no equivilant formula feeders group, when in realilty there isnt really much more HCP can tell you other than how to make a bottle correctly, they cant tell you which brand to use as they all have to be made to the same standard. The vast majority of mothers do FF, it is a completely normal thing to see in this society.

Breastfeeding my DS2 has been a real eye opener. I have been told that feeding my baby out and about is disgusting and inconsiderate. I have been told that it's wrong to want to feed my baby until at least age two. I have been asked to leave the room to feed my baby elsewhere. That is real judgement.

I wish they would just ban formula advertising, you dont need advertising in order to choose a formula. Advertising is so damaging to breastfeeding rates and that little 'breast is best' note that they have to put on the advert just seems to get people's backs up.

i find this laughable, of all my friends im the only one who bf, the vast vast majority of mums ff, ff is the NORM in the uk. My mum said if anyone knew i was still feeding my one year old they would laugh at me. cant believe someone seriously thinks ff are shamed more than bf

I have teenagers so I'm a long way from ff/bf.

I remember the all-consuming hand wringing about it though.

I ff my first dd. She didn't latch on at all after a traumatic delivery. Rather than be patient and encouraging I got barked at my a horrible ward MW who told me my baby was 'starving' and I couldn't go home until she'd fed. So I ff.

My milk didn't even come in. Never once did anyone suggest I try bf again at home. So I didn't. I didn't really know better.

With my ds, I managed to bf him for a very small time. However I had liver problems and it just became too hard. So I gave up and ff.

During those years, I did perceive that others judged me for ff. I felt the 'eyes' on my when I fed from a bottle out and about.

However on reflection now it was nothing of the sort. The 'judgement' came from myself.
I'm not saying I was ashamed. I had reasons and I made my choices, but there was obviously a little subconscious regret on my part.

12 + years on from all this I honestly don't care anymore.
Parenting has SO many hurdles, choices, problems, challenges, surprises and successes. How they got their milk no longer registers on my radar.

Laughable? 🙄

In some areas bfing rates are much higher than others and social expectations are different. It’s not at all laughable.

I wanted to BF DD but couldn't - literally tried everything but it just didn't work so we moved to FF and she took to it brilliantly.

I was the only one in my group to FF and I did feel judged. I also got some nasty looks whilst out and feeding with a bottle and a couple of snide comments but I soon learnt not to give a fuck.

FF doesn't make you any less than someone who BF and anyone who does judge you for FF isn't worth your time. Fed is best - end of. Drives me mad when some mothers who BF think FF is the same as feeding your baby poison! We should support each other, not judge

I don’t get the point in your post? There is a lot of support for breastfeeding mums because it is often tough especially in the early days, once you learn to make a bottle and find a milk that works for you is it so difficult that you need extra support to formula feed?

You get annoyed that strangers are assuming you breastfeed when they talk to you yet you are assuming the mum in costa is formula feeding because she’s giving her baby a bottle. She might well be feeding expressed milk. Will you take your high 5 back when you realise she’s one of “them”?

I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me

I'll admit to not knowing much at all about chronic fatigue - how is it that breastfeeding would kill you?

I couldn't BF with DD but had a good go with DS and I was judged both times. However out in public I have only ever seen and heard BF mother's be judged (harshly and unfairly) which never happened when I FF. I have told off a few strangers for berating breastfeeding mother's in front of me. My 8yo DD knows BF is a natural thing so why does a 80+ yo woman think it's ok to give a new mum a hard time because "she doesn't need to see that while shopping". (That happened in a shopping centre recently).
So I think YABU to think FF Mothers are shamed more (and I say that as one).

I can still remember the look on the Heaslth visitor's face when I confessed to giving dd a bottle at bedtime (so we all could get some sleep!) and that was 10 years ago. I stopped bottle feeding in public as knew I was being judged and would time going out around feeds to avoid the looks. There has been a total reversal and you are made to feel like sh*t If you so much as get out a bottle - half the time it had expressed milk.in it and I had to tell people that so they'd judge a little less harshly...

I think if you go around looking for/expecting judgement then you'll find it everywhere, no matter what you do.

I find breastfeeding helps mum and baby sleep.
I cosleep and find lying down feeding quite relaxing...i fall asleep to find baby has fed and turned back on to his back to sleep. Getting up to make the bottles is tiring.

I thought before my first baby was born that the “breastfeeding mafia” was a real thing I’d need to watch out for if breastfeeding didn’t work out for me.

Then it did work out for me, which was great. But I never encountered the “breastfeeding mafia”, was regularly the only one ‘still’ bf-ing at baby groups, was surprised to find the health professionals who spent the first week or so going “ooh well done you!” spent the next months/years saying things like “what, no formula EVER?”, “I don’t know if it’s safe to breastfeed with that so just switch to bottles,” and “HOW many months? You really can just stop now, you know.” The few bf-ing groups I did find were mostly women swapping tips on getting their mothers to back off with the pressure about using formula or how to find out whether it was actually safe to bf on a particular medication or not.

There may be women giving you ‘funny looks’ when ff-ing, but maybe some of them are just staring into the distance or daydreaming or wondering if that’s the same baby outfit their sister’s got, or something? If you go out there expecting that anyone breastfeeding is a judgy witch, then you’re a lot more likely to read judgy witchiness into things.

And I’ve both breastfed and bottle-fed in public, and really most people just aren’t that paying that much attention. I did once have a bloke physically recoil with a shocked look when he saw me bf-ing a toddler but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just surprised there!

I hear you OP. Had intended to bf but there were many complex reasons I couldn't in the end. I was very self-conscious about it at first. I hated getting my bottle kit out at baby classes and in general was finding things difficult.
However the mum friends I made were really sympathetic about the problems I'd had trying and they never judged me. I lent a sympathetic ear to their feeding problems too and we supported each other.
As time went on I stopped feeling the need to apologise for using formula (even if it was only myself I was apologising too.) I don't explain if it comes up in a conversation unless the conversation directly links to the problems I had and I want to share.
I think breast is best but formula worked out very well for me, my baby and family in general.

I agree with some of the above comments that it's very different for people in groups where breastfeeding is the norm and there probably are some class issues. I attend an all breastfeeding baby group and rightly or wrongly not wanting to be the only one formula feeding really helped me persevere through the months of evening cluster feeding.

I generally found that no one was interested in or cared how I or other people fed their babies (obviously except health visitor /doc etc and thatthat waswas atat was

Sorry sent too soon. Over than health checks about baby putting on weight etc - no one was interested or cared.

If you choose to formula feed then fine. You have made that choice. But don't then act like some oppressed formula feeding minority because you feel guilty about it. No one is going to congratulate you for formula feeding when the majority of people do it and breastfeeding rates are so low in this country.

It may not be your intention op but your first post reads as if you knew that breastfeeding was best but that you just couldn't be bothered to do it.
Unfortunately, those reasons (I would be tired, it might be difficult etc etc) always just seem like laziness to me, so whilst I do try not to judge formula feeding mums, I do a little bit, because all their reasons actually boil down to "didn't want to, seemed like hard work". And really, why wouldn't you want to do the best for your child?
There are a vanishingly small percentage of women who physically are unable to feed, this would be supported by the fact that if we couldn't do it then the human race would be a dead branch on the evolutionary tree, otherwise it seriously is a choice (and sadly a lot of women who think they cannot, or their milk didn't come in at all when it actually can take quite a while to do so, are actually just misinformed and badly supported) . Formula is so easy, just make up a bottle and go, of course there is more support aimed at breastfeeding mothers.

I see the old "DH could get a chance to bond with the baby by giving them a bottle" chestnut has put in appearance 🙄