To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

@Mumtoboy123 - I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night.

Of those 3 reasons, the only one you could have possibly known definitely was the third (and only then if you chose not to express). I never found breastfeeding painful (except for one of them who once bit me when teeth came in) and I got to grips with it very quickly on all 3. Obviously, my experience isn't everyone else's experience but the negativity surrounding breastfeeding really irritates me.

When I went back to work, I switched to mixed feeding and I found breastfeeding much easier than formula. No sterilising or making up bottles. I can't imagine how I would have coped with all that hassle in the early days. Obviously, everyone is different but for me, the fact I was solely responsible for feeding was much, much easier than dealing with bottles and the delay in feeding the baby while getting the bottle ready. Again, I stress that is me. Your mileage may vary.

Your other point regarding facing night feeds as a team, we did that. Dh passed the baby to me, took care of nappy changes and put the baby back in the cot if necessary (although we did do a certain amount of co-sleeping).

It sounds like you had a difficult time around birth. You chose to feed in the way that suited you best. That's fine but please, don't perpetuate myths regarding the difficulty of breastfeeding. Yes, some women find it difficult but others find it easy and the only way you will know is if you try.

Equally, some women do not want to breastfeed. That is an equally valid choice. However, a woman breastfeeding is much more likely to require support as it is potentially more complicated to get right for some women.

Like others I'm sorry you're feeling judged but I don't know who could be doing all that judging as the VAST majority of babies are not breastfed or are breastfed for a short amount of time. Formula is the norm, you must want to high five a lot of mums if you want to high five every bottle-feeding mum you see.

I'm not discounting your feelings of being shamed, but I think statistically it's pretty unlikely you are meeting so many more breastfeeding mums than formula feeding ones (unless your baby is still very very young), or indeed that every breastfeeding mum you meet is judging you so harshly. Most of us have difficulties bf at the start, are full of self-doubt having been given useless advice and conflicting messages, and don't feel in a position to judge anyone, least of all a mum with a baby that is feeding well, putting on weight and occasionally deigning to sleep - bewildered envy might be nearer the mark!

Your feelings may have more to do with the public health messages and your reaction to them - it is horrible feeling like we aren't doing 'the best thing' for our babies, but you have made a calculation that the benefits to your families' overall stability outweigh the nutritional and health benefits of breastfeeding - and that is a completely valid choice that only you are informed enough to make. However it seems you aren't completely confident in that choice, hence why you didn't tell the truth about your intentions to your healthcare providers and ended up being manhandled on your way to surgery which must have been utterly traumatic. But tbh the midwife was only doing what she thought would help you to do you had said you wanted to do!

You need to own your choice and be happy with it and not feel like you need the approval of others for it (this is something bf mums learn by trial of fire, as midwives, health visitors, relatives etc all have something to say about their decision, especially if baby doesn't sleep well, especially if baby is very attached to mum, especially once baby gets older than 12 weeks or - God forbid! - 6 months).

All the public health messages are talking about is a narrow focus on nutrition and health, and they are talking about the average. They aren't talking about your specific circumstances, your specific family, and your specific baby. So if you have listened to them, set them against those other considerations only you know about and chosen to formula feed, discount them now and try to stop projecting your own ambiguous feelings about formula feeding and your desire to please onto others.

I can understand where you’re coming from because of the issues you’ve had.

When things have been difficult, you tend to see or notice certain things eg the breast is best message - but I didn’t notice that. Probably because I breastfed.

What I did notice was a lot of older family members did keep pushing formula - however when I spoke to them it became apparent it was because of their experiences and they also had some regrets.

No one is actively out to down mothers who feed in one way or another.

It’s probably better if you come to terms with your decision and leave it at that.

As the vast, vast majority of people in the UK formula feed, who are all these people doing the judging?

YABU!
I FF one child (on medical advice), breastfed two. Didn't have that much shaming either time, but did feel stared at and judged a lot regardless of how I fed.
There is a lot of judging of parents, especially new mothers.

@spreadmarmznotmisery

May I ask how many mums were in your group? And did they all really breastfeed to the age of one/beyond? I ask because that would be statistically extremely rare...

I have been met with nothing but surprise and confusion that I breastfeed. By anyone including friends and family. And out of the people I know with babies none have been breastfed and they've never been shamed for it.
I wouldn't say I've been shamed at all but questioned definitely and sideways looks about going past 6 months. Also any male relative on both sides will leave the room even though I covered and showed less than you can see in normal clothes my brother leaves the actual house sometimes lol.
I don't think there's so much shaming as there is a desire to increase breastfeeding rates

I'm sorry that I was a bit harsh in my earlier comments (grumpy from being up all night breastfeeding!). You have a tiny baby and that's really hard, and I'm sorry that you're feeling judged. I promise you that everyone else cares a lot less than you think they do about how you feed her, though. I know that can be hard to believe - I've also felt judged for some of my parenting choices, probably mostly in my own head. So again, I'm sorry I wasn't more sympathetic to how that feels, but just try to ignore it.

@namestheyareachanging i dont think its as rare as people think because this was also my experience and tbh this posters experience has helped me feel not alone.
A lot of people replying to this thread seem to be accusing me of being insecure in my decision.. however.. why do i feel that way? Is it because ive been made to feel im doing the wrong thing but healthcare professionals and other mums who all bf? Yes. Ive never been made to feel that way by another ff mum

@mumtoboy123

a midwife refered to 'the breastfeeding mafia' and it does feel a bit like bf mums gang up to shame ff mums for things like saying you feel judged for ff or for saying bf isnt for you

That a midwife is putting out this shit and setting mums against each other is just terrible and no wonder rates are so low. The 'breastfeeding mafia'? All I can say is just look. At. The. Stats. This idea that ff mums are a victimised majority is just a joke when you look at the numbers. You can't be systematically bullied by what amounts to a tiny minority of mothers, mothers who are often just as tired, anxious, and riddled with self-doubt as any formula feeding mum and are just trying to get on with their own journey in new motherhood. It's a massive crock to say they are 'ganging up and bullying' anyone. If we seek each other out it is because of rubbish like this, where the clear majority and even healthcare professionals who should support our decision paint us as smug, judgey bullies just because of how we feed our children.

*victimised minority

Breastfeeding definitely hurt me. I was told it wouldn’t. It wasn’t the latch it was the electric shock feeling through my whole breast, everytime. Telling me it doesn’t hurt doesn’t make it not hurt.
And I fed up until weaning, then ds refused unless in the middle of the night and even then i was forcing the issue. I have no idea how to have breast fed beyond a year, short of not feeding him food so he was starving.
It’s a contentious issue whatever angle you take. But full of mistruths as well.

@mumtoboy123

*@namestheyareachanging i dont think its as rare as people think because this was also my experience and tbh this posters experience has helped me feel not alone. *

But no offense, what you think and what you have experienced does not overturn the national statistics. Did all the mums in your circle bf to one? Or are you still in the early weeks? In which case, you will likely see them drop it one by one - this is the statistical likelihood. Unarguably.

Most people are only interested in doing what they feel is best for their own baby. My angst/guilt surrounds my own child. (Whether it be feed related or anything other aspect of parenting)
I couldn’t care less how anyone feeds their child, and as someone else has pointed out, as the breastfeeding rates are so low and the majority formula feed, who on Earth is doing all the shaming?
As someone who’s done both, it is often harder to breastfeed (ff can be more annoying esp in the night) but breastfeeding can be exceptionally painful and relentless whereas bottlefeeding is much easier and babies sleep much longer and go longer between feeds (in my personal experience)

The phrase "a woman's place is in the wrong" springs to mind here.

OP, for what it's worth as a mother of two breastfed babies, I believe you, and I'm sorry you're feeling judged. IMO there seem to be a few stages of judginess:

Newborn - Breast is best! Don't you want to try? It doesn't hurt it bloody does Liquid gold etc...
3 months - haven't you got them on a bottle yet? They'll sleep better/gain weight, blah blah
1 year - isn't it a bit weird? It's only for the mothers benefit at this stage...

The idea that the method we use to feed our babies, like how we give birth, is the same open choice for everyone is a complete fallacy. We're all just doing what we think is best given our own very specific and personal set of circumstances. I've had to grow a thick skin and ignore those who have questioned my "choices" and keep remembering that I'm just doing what needs to be done.

So in a nutshell, YANBU

I have got two sons and BF them both. It was initially a difficult experience with my first son and a bloody nightmare with my second son but I persevered because breast feeding was very important to me.

The vast, vast majority of babies are formula fed. I think it’s a shame that breast feeding seems to be dying out.

Personally I hate admitting I breast fed/am breast feeding because I feel that I’m judged for it because of course I must be so smug and a member of the Mafia...

FF feel judged and BF feel judged.

As has been said, no matter what people do they will feel judged by someone.

Well, considering that a tiny minority of babies in the UK are bf, i’m not sure who’s doing the shaming......

I have been met with nothing but surprise and confusion that I breastfeed. By anyone including friends and family. And out of the people I know with babies none have been breastfed and they've never been shamed for it.

I agree with this, unfortunately my experience was mostly negative. In my area and throughout my age group/friends/acquaintances etc formula feeding is the norm and breastfeeding is weird and odd.

I'm sorry you feel judged OP but once you become a mum even from the moment you get pregnant there is something for people to judge you on.

You need a thick skin and the confidence in yourself as a parent to make decisions that benefit you and your loved ones and stuff any one else.

I agree with you OP. In my experience I have had so many dirty looks for FF both of mine, I have been made out to be a bad mum and not wanting what is best for my children. The fact that my DD was born with too much mucus on her stomach, which was telling her she was full, so therefore wouldn't latch, wouldn't even feed and was nearly re-hospitalised because she lost over 10% of her body weight and that I tried up at 6 weeks, wasn't a good enough reason.
Even the fact the my DS came out in hives everytime I breast fed him and completely cleared up when on formula, wasn't a good enough reason to FF.

Your baby is happy and well fed. Always remember that. You do what is best for you and your child. Ignore the rest.

I don't mean to be harsh, but YABU. Formula feeding in the UK is by far the norm. You may find it "hard" ff in public and perceiving people are judging you. Try breastfeeding in public, trying to find someone you can sit down, fussing with your clothes with a crying baby at your boob, baby spitting milk all down your top, in excruciating pain when they latch on, a strange man staring at you, etc etc. If you feel "judged" then that's just something you are perceiving. Formula feeding is by far more common. I don't really see how more room in society or more consideration needs to be made to support you. What support do you need?

If you've been "made to feel that you're doing the wrong thing by healthcare professionals", it's simply because HCP have to recommend the option which is most healthy for your baby (and has most health benefits for you). Just like they have to recommend sleeping baby on back, or regular exercise and vegetables etc etc. You must be able to see that. The NHS have to give health advice, even if you don't like hearing it.

I looked after a child who was bottle fed she hardly gets sick. Looking after a boy who’s 14 months still breastfeed he gets a cold every week lol my point is do what works for you and ignore judge buggers.

The phrase "a woman's place is in the wrong" springs to mind here.

Absolutely.

This one always brings out strong opinions on both sides. Personally, I was all ready for BF, I'd been BFd by my mum, I understood the benefits, was prepared for the hard bits, bought the BF bras, found the best BF places out and about, was completely up for it.

DS had other ideas after being nose tube-fed for the first week of his life. It just wasn't going to happen. I tried expressing, but my milk never came in properly so it was a huge uphill struggle at what was already an incredibly difficult time for us all. Eventually, at about 6 weeks, I gave it up and went full FF to both massive sadness and massive relief.

And yes, I can empathise massively with anyone who feels shamed for FF, despite all the side-eyeing from certain posters. It does happen.

I remember the HCP who asked me during an appointment whether I wanted to feed my grizzling son and, when I took out a bottle, said, 'Oh, you're not breastfeeding then?!' with this weird mixture of faux shock and pity on her face and was lucky I didn't smack her one. This was not because she knew about our 'unique' circumstances - she clearly had no clue and I'd never met her before. That was just her general reaction to FF.

The NCT BF woman also said, 'there is no reason any child cannot be BF' very sternly. She's plain wrong. My child flat-out refused. He'd be dead without formula.

Then there's the countless little micro-transactions with the midwives on the maternity ward, the looks when I asked for formula, or help with making it up, that sort of thing.

So while I don't actually think accusations of BF mafia etc. are justified (they're usually trying to do what's best and women do need support here), I can also see where they come from (support turns into shaming pretty damn quickly from thoughtless HCPs at such an emotionally-charged time). The fact that this is such a strong memory for me 3.5 years later confirms it for me at least.

Breastfeeding has become a class marker in recent years. Perhaps the looks you are misinterpreting as judgement are just surprise or curiosity. Especially if you are hanging around with breast feeders and they aren’t used to seeing formula feeding.

@smallplant