To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

You'll be judged no matter what you do.

I expressed milk for 8 months and MIL kept suggesting I was making things intentionally difficult for myself and should just switch to formula.

Random woman at a baby group was horrified I hadn't circumcised my son.

You are going to need thick skin!

From my point of view and I've both ff and bf, formula feeding is the norm in this country. There is very little support for bf. I don't know where these people live that get breast is best rammed down their throat, I've never heard it.
At the end of the day whatever suits you is best. No point being unhappy, and certainly no need to feel guilty, or pressured either way.

YABU I think we all feel judged, whether its bf in public or declaring we bottle feed- too many opinions when people should just mind their own business and it is whatever best suits you and your family.

However I have to say this statement you made OP I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right isnt true, everyones experience is different, I had no pain and no issues (and I recognise Im lucky)- but I wouldnt project to other people that bf'ing is so hard.

Depends where you are in country.

I know DSis had issues when she chose to ff in hospital with the MW but after that no one ever said anything to her.

Friend who had to switch to ff due to medication in area where there were high bf rates said she had people saying nasty things to her about ff. Though she was very sensitive and she'd really wanted to bf for longer but her underlying condition was deteriorating.

I found little bf support in bf friendly hospital from post-natal ward MW – but after that MW ere great and there was help. Then moved to predominately ff area – and I met a lot of disapproval sometime form other mothers who were ff though most people didn’t care or were nice. HCp professionla weren't great with bf and there was little support for bf problems.

There are also some issues with your reasons for choosing not to bf which I'm pointing out not to be a 'breastfeeding Nazi' but in case anyone else reading the thread is deciding whether to bf or ff.

knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right

This is what you had heard not what you knew. There are plenty of women for whom bf doesn't hurt and it goes right quickly. They just are less likely to talk about it.

i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night.

Yes but there are other ways to job share and delegate such as DP doing nappy changes/winding which also need doing in the night.

i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him

There are many ways to establish a connection other than feeding. E.g. Cuddling, skin to skin, expressing and bottle feeding. Quite insulting to fathers of bf babies that tbh.

The phrase 'Breast is Best', while absolutely true, implies that anyone not breastfeeding is not doing the best for their baby. And I think that makes FF mums judge themselves, even the ones like you OP who are happy with the perfectly valid choice they made. And maybe that internal judgement makes you more on guard for any judgement from outside.

My friend and I both had babies around the same time, both started off EBF. She switched to FF at around 3 weeks and I continued EBF. Whenever we were together and babies had to be fed in public, my friend would retell the reasons why she had to give up BF and defend her use of formula. She didn't have to explain anything to me, I would never question her use of FF and it always made me sad that she felt she had to justify it all the time.

Would also add, OP, that when you say this:

i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team

I know you mean it as just a comment on what worked for you and your family. But I remember when my first baby was as old as yours is, getting really upset once after a baby group because everyone was saying things like this, about how ff-ing was great because it meant Dad could be involved and this way he was bonding with the baby. And I’m sitting there as the only breastfeeder thinking, “well what does that say about me and my family? Do they think my baby isn’t bonding with her dad? Do they think I don’t care about it?”

They didn’t mean that at all of course. And I don’t think you do either. But I’m sharing this to give you an example of how easy it is to interpret other people taking about their situations as a judgment on you and yours, especially when your baby is very young and everything is new.

I see the old "DH could get a chance to bond with the baby by giving them a bottle" chestnut has put in appearance 🙄

I know, that one really gets to me. DH has bonded just fine with both DS. If your baby's father can't bond with thier child unless they are giving them bottles then you have bigger problems then a bit of perceived judgement.

The really ugly flipside of "DH getting to bond" is all the people who feel entitled to access to newborn babies putting mum off BF.

Breastfeeding rates are horrifically low in this country so quite how you’ve managed to come across the attitude of assuming you’re breastfeeding I have no idea. Every single HCP (or actually any person in general) that I have had a conversation with about my daughter has assumed that I would be bottle feeding by now. With the exception of the midwife who delivered her. I’m not sure what you expect support for?! It literally explains on the tub of formula how to use it and how often/ how much to feed. As far as I’m aware my boobs didn’t come worth those same instructions.

Oh and the “dad needs to give a bottle to bond” and “breastfeeding hurts” is absolute shite. My daughter is the biggest daddy’s girl alive (she genuinely will ask to go to him over me any day) and she has never entertained the idea of a bottle. It also doesn’t hurt if everything is being done properly. And if it does you should access some of the (very very thinly spread) breastfeeding support which you seem so resentful of. Yeah breastfeeding was hard in the early weeks but I have several friends who ff and they were no less exhausted. Their babies don’t sleep better either which is another myth that anti-bf trot out. My daughter is 9mo now and bf is the easiest thing on the planet. I don’t have to make bottles or boil kettles. I can literally leave the house with me, baby, spare nappy, wipes and my car keys. Literally the least hassle of all time.

Breast is best.

I BF and it was a real battle for the first year of his life. My son had an undiagnosed TT for three months. I was in constant pain feeding. In addition, My supply is low due to congenital breast deformations (he followed the 0.04th percentile). He was topped up with milk I expressed (very little, despite the medical grade pump and expressing at least every three hours - and BFing inbetween) via a feeding tube taped to my breast. I didn’t have enough so I used expressed donor milk from human milk for human babies. The few times I had to give him formula I felt bad.

Because ultimately, breast is best.

I’m typing this feeding him now as he goes down for his nap. He’s 17 months old and breast is still best - it gives him comfort, tailor made nutrition and the antibodies to complement the antibiotics he needs to fight his chest infection.

At no point did my HV question any of the methods I used to BF my son.

Because breast is best.

If you choose to FF, fine. I wouldn’t judge you unless you were the sort that moaned about how painful/difficult/tiring it was or how your baby wasn’t getting enough milk before you gave up. Because I had all of that, and then some. And still, I BF.

Because breast is best.

Oh, and I had a crash c-section too for a placental abruption. And still I BF.

I get fed up of women who trot out feeble excuses.

Just say you didn’t want to, fine, whatever.

But breast is STILL best.

So, maybe I’m one of the women giving you a funny look (even if it’s not intentional) because I really, really don’t understand the attitude that FF is just as good and that so many of the women I meet had so many problems. No, you just didn’t try hard enough.

"breastfeeding hurts” is absolute shite." Is it? OK, I suppose you're saying "it doesn't necessarily hurt" rather than "It doesn't hurt". My experience was that it hurt, that both my nipples were bleeding constantly, that the only time they started to heal was if I got some sleep, then they'd glue themselves to the sheet and rip the scab off when I rolled over. Maybe practical help could have got me though it, but when I chucked the baby down the bed by pure reflex, it was time to stop.

i FF both my children as breast wasnt right for me, i still did all the feeds during the nights as ExH was working, yes i felt that some people judged me for not wanting to try and breast feed but for me i couldnt do it. My view was happy mum happy baby. They did not go hungry and have grown into to healthy children. Still feel a bit judged when i say i didnt do it and my oldest is 13 years. I fully understand why they want to increase the numbers for breast feeding however I would rather see acceptance of any parents decisions regardless of what they might be. From breast feeding or not to what toys they should play with and how they dress. i feel that acceptance and respect for a parents decision is the key

Your post Sewing is honest and I think many mothers feel just like you and see bottlefeeding mums as lazy.

What Angers me about this is that there is an assumption that all babies are the same when they surely are not. Some will just much harder to cope with than others and it seems a bit condescending to assume that a mother struggling is automatically lazy.

The other thing that gets to me is this black and white belief that a breastfed child is bound to grow so much healthier than their counterparts who sadly only got bottle.

The difference between children breastfed vs bottlefed when all other factors are identical is minimal. A child born from very clever parents is not suddenly going to see his IQ drop by 50 points because he was bottlefed. So what if his IQ ends up to be 120 rather than 121! Yet the way some mothers go on about it you'd think it was neglect from birth to choose to bottlefeed.

I see the nestle staff are working hard.

FGS no wonder people feel attacked if even midwives refer to "The BF mafia".

I'm curious, what is the preferred response when someone starts to justify why they are FF? It is awkward. I don't want to say I don't mind, because that implies it's something to mind. I don't want to ask why they are telling me as that feels rude and abrasive. Offering sympathy implies it's a terrible shame which is not what I think. And saying well done you feels false as well. It's not something to be proud or ashamed of - it just is.

All mums are shamed for everything - it's unfortunately just part of it. FF? Lazy and irresponsible - don't you know it's basically poison? BF past a year old? Well that's sort of creepy, probably best you stop.

They're not walking? Are you sure they're not behind? Walking already? careful they don't bypass that crawling stage otherwise they miss out on valuable core development.

They're in nursery? Why did you bother having a child for someone else to look after them? Not in nursery? They're going to become a clingy mummy's boy if you're not careful.

You probably are being judged - you already have been on this thread. But probably not as much as you think, because most mums are too wrapped up in parenting, rather than really thinking about you. The unfortunate truth is you're going to be judged on everything you do for the next 18 years - or longer maybe, because how could you dare think that parenting ends at that age?

Be confident in your choices, toughen up a bit, and do what works for you and your child.

I really don’t see why dads who give a bottle are in any way bonding better than dads who cuddle/nappy change/play with their babies? DH seemed to manage to bond just fine with ours (he would resettle after night wakings/bf’s despite having to be up for work in the morning for example).
I find it a really odd thing to say.

Most supportive new dads manage to bond just fine if their baby is breastfed. I hate that argument.

nobodys actually shaming you.
The reality is, you are allowed to formula feed, and wherever you go, you will be able to bottle feed yor child and noone will bat an eyelid.

if you start discussing it online, then people will give their opinions, but youre extremely unlikely to actually get shamed for it.

We have ridiculously low breastfeeding rates, and we do need to support and promote breastfeeding and to normalise it so that women feel empowered to do it. Promoting the healthiest option is not the same as shaming others.

@Mumtoboy123
You don’t have to justify your choice but I’m not sure why you think you’re in the minority must mums in UK formula feed can’t remember exact rates but it’s a large majority.

@fourcorneredcircle I had a crash section for placental abruption too

I don't like the 'DH bonding' argument either. It's fine to say that you want your DH to help with feeding to ease the practical side of things for you, but there seems to be this need to disguise the fact it's probably more of a practical choice by calling it 'bonding'.