To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

You’ve never actually experienced the shame directed at breastfeeding mothers so how can you compare?

Some people say that beyond six months, it’s more for the mothers benefit, imply the mother is is an exhibitionist or equate it with something sexual which is vile.

The fact is that breast milk is best for a baby. That’s not a judgement, it’s a fact.

So I don’t think you have it worse, no.

This advert came out shortly after DS was born, shaming breastfeeding mums is common place...

Oh for fucks sake, enough with the "shaming" bullshit. For one thing you are in the massive majority and formula feeding has been the norm for decades, for another NO-ONE CARES.

@vandrew4

i don't understand "breastfeeding support". Once you and the baby have got the hang of it within the first day or so, what "support" is needed?

Oh do fuck off

I'm feeding my baby expressed milk in a bottle. No one knows it's not formula unless I've told them. Can't say I've experienced any prejudice or funny looks

@sewinginmyfreetime
If you read that start of the post ive said that i agree breast is best for some.
I widh people would read the thread before redponding to these things. Some people have been very critical about things ive already answered.
And to the post who responded by shaming me even more fir having a chtonic fatigue condition - no, you clearly dont know much about it and you clearly csnt read. I said that bf every 2 hours through the night on my own would kill me. With ff at least i can hand off to DH so i can sleep a but at night so im actually awake and functional for DS during the day. Its got sweet fuck all to do with being lazy.

@PixieCutRegret holy crap. That poster

i don't understand "breastfeeding support". Once you and the baby have got the hang of it within the first day or so, what "support" is needed?

Yes, because it’s as simple as ‘getting the hang of it in a day or so’.
DD1 fed relatively easily. She latched well, and despite having a couple of weeks of toe curling agony every time she latched, we didn’t have any issues.
DD2 had a shallow latch, despite trying everything. She also wanted to be attached constantly. The result was that at a week old I developed mastitis, which led to sepsis, and 5 days in intensive care. I couldn’t feed from my left breast for a month afterwards as the nipple was shredded. I used BF-ing helplines and local peer supporters to improve her latch, and ended up managing to feed for a year. Without that support, I wouldn’t have done.

Why is it always formula feeding vs breastfeeding?

Why can't it just be 'why are mums shamed for feeding their baby'. Because that is what it comes down to

I know where you are coming from OP.

When people say breast feeding is not the norm in the UK I wonder what criteria they are using. Breast fed to a certain age? Or breast fed at least for a short time.

Now it is 23 years since I gave birth but I remember in my ante-natal group it seemed the vast majority intended to at least try breast feeding. Out of about a dozen of us only two said they were not intending to BF. One because she planned to return to work after 8 weeks and thought it would be too hard to start and then make the transition and one who simply didn't fancy it. The midwives persuaded the woman returning to work that it would be worth giving it a go so only the one who didn't fancy it was given information about formula feeding and a demo on how to sterilize bottles and so on. They definitely made her feel singled out.

A few weeks after giving birth some were still BF'ing and some had tried and given up for one reason or another. But definitely the majority had tried and I would say there was pressure on you to stick with it. (I managed until 4 months)

@Ghanagirl you don't see mothers calling other mothers failures for needing help when giving birth! Or making judgements that they ripped! Do you?!

@pixiecutregret absolutely no need to slag off my husbands bonding techniques with our son thank you. My post clearly states these are MY reasons and WHATS RIGHT FOR US. My husband has the best bobd with our son and because a feed rskes so long and DH works bloody hard, uf i was bf DH would hardly ever get to hold DS unless he litterally held him to my tit
And as for the 'old chestnut' comments... youre doing exactly what youre saying doesnt happen.. shaming a ff mum for. her reasons for her choice

Yabu

I hear people bitch constantly about all the downsides/negative stereotypes of breastfeeding:

-Don't you want time away
-Don't you want dad to have a chance to feed
-You're feeding again?
-He'll get too attached/be clingy
-You're still breastfeeding?!
-You must not breastfeed to sleep what a bad habit
-She'll never sleep through if you keep feeding her at night
-Aren't you uncomfortable breastfeeding in public/in front of your father in law
-Don't breastfeed at the table
-Breastfeeding mums think they're better
-She thinks she's some kind of 'Earth mother' (Actually heard ff mums say this about another woman as she fed)

• Did you hear about the mum who smothered her child while breastfeeding

-He's not covered in rolls of fat you don't make enough milk

Formula:
HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS SHOULDN'T EVEN MENTION HOW BREAST MILK IS BETTER BECAUSE I MIGHT FEEL BAD SO THAT INFORMATION SHOULDN'T EVEN BE OUT THERE FED IS BEST IT DOESNT EVEN MAKE A DIFFERENCE THE STUDIES ARE BIASED FOR SOME REASON

@5foot5 you realise that 'a majority having tried' is still massively lower than almost every other country in the world? I think that noone should be forced to breastfeed but evidence suggests we'd be better off if a lot more of the women who want to bf are able to stick with it.
Nearly 70% of Norwegian mothers are still doing some breastfeeding at 6 months. The number in UK is half that. Assuming we don't have different boobs, something is off.

@SinkGirl
I work in a professional clinical role with new mothers plus also have my own birth and feeding experiences I think it’s important to not let out personal issues impact on the way we interact with clients as it can be positive if we have same values but can be really harmful if we don’t as women can feel judged.
The facts are most women in the UK formula feed, lots of women feel unsupported in early postpartum period whichever way they choose to nurture their infant and a big part of that is lack of midwives health visitors and withdrawal of funds from children’s centres.

Similarly, when I saw the gp because I was in agony and asked for medicine, he told me none existed and I had to bare the pain - since I was choosing not to breastfeed

Er, what? There's no way a doctor told you there was nothing he could give you because you were formula feeding. It's a lot more likely he misunderstood and thought you were still doing some BF and that he therefore couldn't give you a prescription drug. (Which is in itself symptomatic of poor BF support - many HCPs are completely ignorant and advise women to give up as soon as they need any meds when in fact the number of medications you can't BF on is tiny). Either your feeding choice was irrelevant to his advice, or he actually thought you WERE bf.

I exclusively breastfed my babies. I've never made a bottle of formula in my life. I don't care how you fed. I'm just trying to get on with my own life.

Women shouldn't feel guilty, I'm certain the rate is low due to lack of support with problems and no real education regarding the realities of bf. But their anger is misplaced for some reason - rail against a lack of services not against the mums who are lucky enough to manage it.

*Why is it always formula feeding vs breastfeeding?

Why can't it just be 'why are mums shamed for feeding their baby'. Because that is what it comes down to*

Are you kidding? We need to know in exact detail the ratio of shaming between these two groups! How else will we know what fraction of our sympathy should be apportioned to each??

We need graphs and charts and many many decimal places of precision....and an infinite number of threads covering the topic to absolute death...

With all due respect, you seem to think you need to justify your reasons for using formula and shooting down anyone who dares to offer a flip side.

It is not "shaming", it is having a discussion. Which you opened up for sharing experiences and opinions.

YOU are the one who has stated twice now that your husband could/has only bonded by feeding your son. Others are saying this simply isn't true and it is a common excuse line trotted out by those who choose not to breastfeed insinuating that breastfeeding mothers are selfishly keeping the child to themselves and that those fathers can't possibly have such a bond with the child as a result.

Er, what? There's no way a doctor told you there was nothing he could give you because you were formula feeding

I think she means she wanted something to help with the pain of the engorgement of not feeding and the doctor wouldn't/couldn't help.

@vandrew4

Oh do get lost. Talk about trolling remark.

Yep, I've breastfed all over the place and no one has ever batted an eyelid but I've also formula fed all over the place (combi-fed baby) and had some seriously nasty judgmental comments. Including being shunned by the other women at a BFing support group where I went for advice about combining BFing with formula.

Some of it is that BFing promotion in this country tells women that all women can BF (they can't - 5% won't make milk at all, about 20% will not make enough, especially in the early days) and that it works if you just try hard enough - which then implies that anyone feeding formula hasn't tried. And refusing to provide support for combi-feeding or even advice about bottles means women can't access support.

It's a really bad situation and really bad for mother's mental health. I expected to EBF but my baby became seriously ill after my milk failed to come in, something I had no idea was a possibility. It eventually came in at eight weeks. I'm still BFing at almost 3 years but it's formula that gives me the warm glow because it saved DD's life but many BFers don't want to hear that BFing sometimes doesn't work.

Don't forget, in the past babies died when BFing didn't work or there wasn't enough milk. At least we now have a safe alternative so babies can thrive.

thinks back to a thread I started on formula companies posting on mn

Yabu I've breastfed one child and bottle fed one and I got so much more judgement, on all sides, for breastfeeding.

*If was bf DH would hardly ever get to hold DS unless he litterally held him to my tit....”

Then say that one of the reasons you chose to FF was because otherwise your DH would never have been able to hold the baby, not say that it was so that DH could bond with him. They are very different things.

Bonding is a very emotive word and the level of which is not something that should be attributed to or determined by feeding methods.

You seem to be doing a good job of shaming BF mother's OP. So I guess that's the thing, it doesn't matter what you do, someone will always shame you. FWIW I BF, my DH works 6 long days a week and has never held DS 'to my tit' and yet still somehow they have a wonderful bond.