Females have to consider risk, far more than males?

[Huskylover1]

It's suddenly hit me, how DH and I have vastly different experiences of life, even though we live in the same place and go to the same places (obviously).

After a conversation, it has occurred to me, that I have been risk assessing most of what I do, for my entire adult life. DH says I worry too much, whereas I just say that I'm sensible!

For example, when I walk the dogs at night, I stick to well lit areas. If I have to park in a car park at night, I park near the exit and where it's well lit. I wouldn't answer the door at 3am, if I was home alone. If I was walking home in the dark, I would take a well lit route, and never cut across a dark park or in the woods. You get my drift.

DH wouldn't think about any of this. He goes where he wants, when he wants, without any thoughts to safety. He's a very big man, and I'd say if another man set on him, it would be extremely unlikely that DH would not win. He knows how to fight (trained fighting is part of his job). He just isn't scared of anything or anyone.

We were talking one night, and I remarked at how absolutely lovely it must be, to be like him : never having to fear anything. He replied that I was just a worrier and he didn't seem to get my point at all. I really don't think I am a worrier. I think that females have to think about things that men don't. I think I've risk assessed my whole adult life, often without even realising.

He didn't seem to understand my point at all.

openup - I find that unutterably sad

I'm a runner. I wear an attack alarm on my wrist following a local series of sexual assaults/ rape (offender now convicted) and a violent mugging (of a woman of similar demographic, possibly a runner from the description of items stolen) on one of my regular running routes on the edge of my neighbourhood.

Realisticly, the greatest hazard is tripping and injuring myself, but I am aware of my surroundings and people passing around. I take a mental note of descriptions of people when I'm in quiet places. I try to keep clear of doors on parked vehicles (and not just because someone might inadvertantly open the door on to me). I do go out at night if it suits me, but keep to well lit roads (as much of a fall risk management as anything, but a fall scares me less than stranger danger). I doubt that these thoughts would occur to DH when he runs.

If you look up running safety advice, some of it is generic such as being aware of surroundings, not wearing loud earphones, a lot is female based, not having an easily grabbed hair-do, don't wear very obviously feminine clothes that give you away from a distance. Quite honestly if a predator is close enough to grab my ponytail, I'm fucked anyway, and baggy unisex clothes are not going to hide the fact that I'm too short and petite to be a man.

On a female only running group, as the nights draw in there are so many women who avoid solo outdoor running and stick to clubs/ groups or treadmills. On a similar mixed sex group, I don't see the same kinds of posts from men.

Ironically I feel safest in open countryside (many women wouldn't) where you'd have to loiter for hours between dog walkers. Quiet trails, parks, city centres, riverside paths could all be potentially risky (I do use them anyway despite being able to cite specific local serious crimes) Dopey drivers in the suburbs scare me too Then there's the risk of nuisance comments (I'm "fortunate" to only recall one; it wasn't particularly bad or obviously sexist, I just doubt that he'd have said it to another man)

I have been indoctrined since my teenage years (plus standard stranger danger warnings of the 80s). DM had a few flasher incidents in the 70s. My worst incident was an aquaintence going beyond over personal at a party, and victim blaming self doubt kicked in. With time I realise that those doubts about my clothing, and behaviour with another person (now DH) should be totally irrelevant, but an excessive burden of self preservation and personal responsibility is placed on women and that is the difference in male/ female victims of personal crimes.

DH is quite well aware of personal safety having travelled extensively. His main fear is theft and the logistical consequences. That's a fairly even hazard to both sexes. He reports that he did feel vulnerable amongst Brazilian ladies who were more "forward" than he's used to. I'm still convinced that in the face of unwanted attention, he has a 10", 3-4st advantage in defending himself compared to me. I have witnessed someone spoiling for a fight in a taxi office; the bloke broke away from his domestic row that we were steadfastly ignoring to demand what DH was looking at. We left promptly without a word incase it got physical. DH also had a guy hasseling him in the street at lunchtime demanding to know if DH was posh (in a plain basic office wear). DH crossed over the road.

Women do have extra layers of fear of sexual crime on top of generic crime risks. I think there is often a primeaval fear there plus layers of indoctrination of mysogenistic pressures of personal responsibility that are difficult to break free from. Away from areas with drunk people and gang violence, men are fairly safe from violent stranger crime.

The men I know who have been attacked have got into arguments with drunks/drug takers/drug pushers. The women have been followed by a man they had never engaged with, hunted down as prey you might say. Or assaulted by men who seemed perfectly normal, during a perfectly normal day at work or in some other environment where you might reasonably expect to feel safe. And there, it seems to me, is a big difference. A man would not think about his safety when getting into the lift at work or stepping into a job interview. A woman might be wise to do so.

DH doesn't routinely think about where he is walking and how he is dressed. He's had times where he's on his own late at night and concerned about being targeted by drunk blokes. But he's big and burly enough and keeps himself to himself so tends to be left alone. He's never been randomly assaulted nor received comments about his clothes, body or looks.

I'd been sexually assaulted twice by the time I was 14 years old. I ended up cutting off my waist length hair into a pixie style, after sitting in a train station during the day waiting for my platform to be announced and having a complete stranger (male) walk past me and run his fingers through my loose hair. I've lost count of the number of comments I have had - ranging from the annoying "Cheer up love", to the offensive "look at the size of you", or most often "look at the size of her tits".

I don't run outdoors anymore after being shouted at, and on one particularly memorable occasion, kerb crawled by a white van full of blokes who drove alongside shouting comments about my body. I don't cycle on the road anymore after the time when a driver slowed down so that his passenger could lean out the window and try to smack my bottom.

There are many, many things that I don't do now. And lots of others that I do automatically - like being aware of who is behind me and how long they have been there. "Reading" a situation and deciding whether to get in a lift or enter a stairwell. Parking on well lit and busy streets rather than multi-storeys. Wearing shoes that I can run in, if I need to.

Yeah. DP is careful himself protective of me but some things don't cross his man-security radar because they've not had to. Like when he declined to accompany me to a flat viewing which would have interrupted his Saturday lie-in (he is usually exhausted so I would not have asked for any old reason). It hadn't occured to him that as a 5'3 woman meeting strangers in unfamiliar, secluded locations, that I might have wanted him as a security measure. Even in broad daylight.

When he didn't twig, I didn't tell him. I let him realise from the many messages telling him my exact outfit, itinerary and location. Including photos. He eventually asked if I was pissed off, so I said no, just making sure someone knows where I am - for my safety. I let him sweat for a bit first before letting him know my parents - who were coincidentally in the area- had come instead. Partly to be nosy/supportive and partly because they wanted to be safe not sorry. DP apologised and usually stops, thinks and asks if I now do something that seems overkill to him, as it's likely a security measure.

Men are not all like that though. Your DH is a big man who can look after himself - my DH is a small guy and not strong. All those things which you mention as being "things that women are concerned about" would also concern my DH and many other men. It's not just a gender issue .

birdie does your husband worry about being raped/kidnapped/sexually assaulted? Presumably not. He worries about getting mugged/stabbed etc.

Like it or not, it IS a gendered issue.

As for me: the other day I went hiking with my dog. Just a short hike, an hour or so to the top and the same or less back. I realised halfway up that my phone wasn't charged.

I kept walking, but I worried the whole time that someone was following me, especially as I saw evidence that someone had been sleeping there (sleeping bag and some instant meals/water bottles). My dog isn't a big dog, maybe just about enough to stop someone attacking me, but not something like a German Shepherd or something. The trail was empty, no one else in sight, but it's quite isolated and that worried me a lot.

My husband asked me if I'd had a nice walk and I explained that I was freaked out that I didn't have battery and that I thought someone had been sleeping in the woods. His response was pure bafflement. Why were you freaked out? You were right behind the house and there's no way that you could get lost, there's only one trail. And someone maybe just dumped that sleeping bag and how could you possibly even notice that kind of thing. He NEVER notices that kind of thing.Plus you had the dog, the dog would protect you.

He's generally an understanding guy, but he just doesn't get the constant fear for our safety, the constant reassessing of situations, the wondering if the dog is big enough to frighten someone or not, the noticing of little 'off' details like a sleeping bag, the fear of not being able to get in touch if something happened etc.

He just assumed I was worried about getting lost.

I think the innate fear of a random attack and resulting awareness/behaviour modification is definitely (and justifiably) higher among women.

Imagine a scenario like this: you're walking home from somewhere at around 11pm. It's dark. There's a middle-aged man in a suit walking about 100 metres behind you and when you turn right onto the next street, he does too. That can be a bit worrying for a woman. And understandably so, because even a podgy middle-aged man can be a thread to a woman. A man in that situation though, probably wouldn't even notice someone was behind him. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't be afraid.

Reading some of the posts here, I do think some women get too anxious about their own safety.

I tend to be safety aware, but not overly concerned. Not to the point of messaging someone else every five minutes if I'm getting home alone late at night for example.

I attended self-defense classes for a specific purpose (exH, who was twice my weight and much taller), but wouldn't be too concerned with flat viewing with a man, for example.

Well I only made a big deal out of it as he seemed so unaware as to the possibility and I wanted to drive it home.

I'm a man (I know most of the posts starting with this are completely irrelevant, but hear me out).

Last week I was staying in a hotel and, when I went back late afternoon, there was a young woman in a coat and shorts waiting for the lift.

Due to things my wife has told me and stuff I've read here, for the first time I was really conscious of being male in a confirmed space with a female. I considered the stairs, but I did get in the lift with her and was worried all the way up in case a) she was concerned or b) in case something happened to her in the hotel as there'd be CCTV of me entering the lift with her.

Bloody awful way to have to think and I'm sorry that women have to be on your guard the whole time.

My husband was surprised recently when I said I was pleased that a friend from down the road was coming to an evening local social event , because it’s nicer to walk home after dark with someone at this time of year. We live in a pleasant part of London, low street crime ( though burglary has gone up) and I am not a particularly nervous or anxious person - I often happily go to evening events on my own.

I said that, after dark, I choose to walk along the brightly lit, busy main road rather than the quicker back way, with its plethora of alley ways plus the new LED street lamps cause pools of darkness that the old lamps didn’t.

He first all asked if I was being a bit unnecessarily nervous and what had caused this change until I explained it was just what I did all the time, all my life, even without conciously thinking about it - risk assessment, heightened awareness, noting what others, particularly men, p- individual or group - are doing or could potentially do. He somehow had no idea that that is a basic way of life for a woman.

I explained it was just what I did all the time, all my life, even without conciously thinking about it - risk assessment, heightened awareness, noting what others, particularly men, p- individual or group - are doing or could potentially do. He somehow had no idea that that is a basic way of life for a woman

Exactly!