Females have to consider risk, far more than males?

[Huskylover1]

It's suddenly hit me, how DH and I have vastly different experiences of life, even though we live in the same place and go to the same places (obviously).

After a conversation, it has occurred to me, that I have been risk assessing most of what I do, for my entire adult life. DH says I worry too much, whereas I just say that I'm sensible!

For example, when I walk the dogs at night, I stick to well lit areas. If I have to park in a car park at night, I park near the exit and where it's well lit. I wouldn't answer the door at 3am, if I was home alone. If I was walking home in the dark, I would take a well lit route, and never cut across a dark park or in the woods. You get my drift.

DH wouldn't think about any of this. He goes where he wants, when he wants, without any thoughts to safety. He's a very big man, and I'd say if another man set on him, it would be extremely unlikely that DH would not win. He knows how to fight (trained fighting is part of his job). He just isn't scared of anything or anyone.

We were talking one night, and I remarked at how absolutely lovely it must be, to be like him : never having to fear anything. He replied that I was just a worrier and he didn't seem to get my point at all. I really don't think I am a worrier. I think that females have to think about things that men don't. I think I've risk assessed my whole adult life, often without even realising.

He didn't seem to understand my point at all.

This thread makes me think of this video that went viral last month in response to #metoo and the Kavanaugh stuff in the US.

twitter.com/LynzyLab/status/1049215347025465344?s=19

Women can be kidnapped, murdered or raped and even all three.

So can men. I still remember an account on the radio a few years ago when a young man got attacked and raped by 2-3 other men in a public toilet at Piccadilly Circus station when he was on his way home one evening.

ResistanceIsNecessary. That is utter tripe.

@WorraLiberty I think I may be in the same borough. Does it start with a W?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster

I did say that random attacks obviously happen. But they do against women, too. What I said was that the statistical difference between the likelihood of being attacked by a stranger was largely caused by non-random violence.

I'm firmly with Spaghettijumper and brilliotic here. And this comment resonated with me:

Men's risk of getting murdered goes way down when they get married, women's goes way up. Men most at risk of being murdered are those that go to nightclubs, women most at risk of being murdered are those who are married or cohabiting with a man.

I used to work in the criminal justice system, and the vast majority of assault/manslaughter/murder cases I saw bore this out. When men go out into an environment when there is alcohol and/or large groups of other men, the risk of personal harm increases. When women are in a house with their husband/partner, or let an ex into their house, ditto.

Sadly I also saw how many of the old rape myths clung on, even amongst those whose job it was to consider evidence alone. Not something that was ever a factor in a single punch manslaughter case or similar. I never heard a single CJS employee, in or out of court, ask why Male Victim X had decided to stop off at that chip shop/queue at that taxi rank/walk home from that pub alone.

So can men. I still remember an account on the radio a few years ago when a young man got attacked and raped by 2-3 other men in a public toilet at Piccadilly Circus station when he was on his way home one evening.

Since that one awful incident a few years ago that you remember, at least 170,000 women have been raped. Yes it happens to men. It happens to women a lot, lot more.

mrsjoy That happens, but rarely.
Nearly every woman I know has been raped or narrowly avoided it. The only man I know that has been raped is a gay man. Gay men are at higher risk of being raped than straight men.

I have lived in what is considered a not very nice area to many (the east end of Glasgow) for all of my life. I have never experienced the things you are talking about. I don’t fear walking my dog in the park in the dark/going places in the dark etc. I have never felt I am at risk of being attacked.

I think it is a very sexist point of view to think that men don’t have to worry about these things. Growing up, it was much riskier to walk past a group of boys as a male than a female. My brother (over 6ft at 16) was attacked many times when he was younger and a few as an adult. Not all men are big/strong and able to defend themselves. Many men will probably put a front on to live up to the gender stereotype that they must be tough and strong but they would still avoid trouble if they came across it as that is the intelligent thing to do.

I can see your point but I do also agree with your OH. To me, you sound like a worrier. Have you considered self defence lessons to help alleviate your fears?

My male DP sometimes gets targeted or hassled. He is very large and quite tough looking so I think idiots see it as a challenge to square up to him. The difference is that he could easily put most blokes on their arse with a single punch if they went further than just getting a bit mouthy so the feeling of vulnerability isn't there for him.

I'm a 5ft1 female and simply wouldn't stand a chance if someone wanted to rape/ kill/ kidnap me. I would have zero chance fighting off an attacker so unlike my DP, my only chance of avoiding serious harm is to take as many precautions as possible to avoid it happening in the first place. That's the reason I have to worry about these things in a way that my partner doesn't, although he fully understands and appreciates why.

So British Crime Survey found that 0.3% of men have been raped as adults. Just over 6% of women in the same survey reported having been raped as adults.

As others have said, the vast majority of rapists are known to the victim - they're the victim's brother, cousin, father, friend, boyfriend, husband, family friend. So the real kick in the teeth is that while all these warnings about drinking alcohol and going out late at night are being issued, scaring women and preventing them from doing what they want, the actual rapes are happening in houses and beds. It is very convenient for rapists that the general belief is that rape happens in a dark alleyway with a stranger, it means that they can do what they like without much fear of prosecution.

*Blondie^ Honestly your "advice" to the OP is incredibly naive. Most women have had dangerous experiences in public.

So can men. I still remember an account on the radio a few years ago

I can remember several accounts about women being attacked just in the last couple of days. In fact male sexual crime against women is so abundant it is treated as mundane, and much of it doesn't even make the national press or there would never be any room for other news.

abacucat

Nearly every woman I know has been raped or narrowly avoided it.

That’s an astonishing statement. You’re talking about women you know through being neighbours/colleagues/school or uni friends/shared hobbies etc, and not people you have met in a context where rape/violence victims seek support from each other?

The increased violence against men that makes them statistically "more likely" to be a victim of assault is a result of arguments between men, often when they're drunk. That's not "random" I'm afraid.

Unless you include the happy slapping craze that went on.

A group of men waiting and watching to assault another man then taunting them form a distance.

I remember the happy slapping craze. I also remember both the media and the authorities joining the dots and linking it as a pattern of behaviour in a way that never seems to be done when it comes to VAWG, which are usually just recorded as isolated incidents and a shrug of the shoulders.

Jessie I am talking about women I have met a variety of ways who are close enough to talk about this. I am older and could not have said this when I was young.

I'm in the same boat @abacucat - I've been raped, twice as has my sister and both of my best friends. Any time the subject has come up down through the years pretty much every woman I've spoken to has said they've been sexually assaulted.

Right so not nearly every woman you know then abacucat. Scaremongering doesn’t help discussions like this.

Have you considered self defence lessons to help alleviate your fears

Women are far better off learning how to sprint-run and be able to summon up their loudest screams when frozen in 'fight or flight' mode, than self-defence.

I'm happy to see so many posters saying they don't let fear change their behaviour. The odds of being the victim of a random attack are extremely small, & the odds of being able to somehow prevent it are even smaller. I walk through a local park at dusk every single day & I've never been attacked.

Also the gender differences are negligible, there's no need for women have a victim mentality & it's not only men who can be violent - The only time I have been attacked was by another female in broad daylight (she came up to me on the street and punched me in the face, no idea who she was or why!)

@JessieMcJessie - from speaking to people I think it'd be very hard to find any woman who hasn't ever been assaulted or been under threat of assault. I'm sure there are some, but not many.

Hi Spaghettijumper

Actually growing up quite a few people would advise me to 'watch my back' or avoid 'x street' or 'wait 10 mins I'll finish my drink and walk with you' if I decided to leave a venue early and head home on my own. As a young man you soon became acutely aware of the tell tell signs of trouble be it in a bar or on the street. We all used to develop our own strategies to get home safely that usually involved taking the longer route down quieter back streets away from the kebab shops, taxi ranks, troublesome pubs and the like. I'm not trying to turn this into a game of top trumps, I have a wife and four older sisters and am very aware of the crap women have to put up with on the street and the risk evaluation they have to do undertake. I just got a bit riled at the notion the OP presented that men don't have to worry about anything and that we can just saunter about care free.

I think you're right OP, although obviously there are exceptions (NAMALT).

A single man walking home at night actually is at risk of being attacked though, whether they realise it or not.

I think more generally though women probably risk assess more and that might be why more accidents seem to happen when fathers are looking after their kids as they just don't see all the potential dangers around them!

Jessie No not every woman I know. Because how would I know? I see some women at a weekly class I go to. I don't even know the names of their grandkids, so why would I know if they had been raped or not?
But I do have a lot of woman friends.