Females have to consider risk, far more than males?

[Huskylover1]

It's suddenly hit me, how DH and I have vastly different experiences of life, even though we live in the same place and go to the same places (obviously).

After a conversation, it has occurred to me, that I have been risk assessing most of what I do, for my entire adult life. DH says I worry too much, whereas I just say that I'm sensible!

For example, when I walk the dogs at night, I stick to well lit areas. If I have to park in a car park at night, I park near the exit and where it's well lit. I wouldn't answer the door at 3am, if I was home alone. If I was walking home in the dark, I would take a well lit route, and never cut across a dark park or in the woods. You get my drift.

DH wouldn't think about any of this. He goes where he wants, when he wants, without any thoughts to safety. He's a very big man, and I'd say if another man set on him, it would be extremely unlikely that DH would not win. He knows how to fight (trained fighting is part of his job). He just isn't scared of anything or anyone.

We were talking one night, and I remarked at how absolutely lovely it must be, to be like him : never having to fear anything. He replied that I was just a worrier and he didn't seem to get my point at all. I really don't think I am a worrier. I think that females have to think about things that men don't. I think I've risk assessed my whole adult life, often without even realising.

He didn't seem to understand my point at all.

Men who go to nightclubs are at highest risk of being attacked. But married men with kids who go about ordinary life are very very rarely attacked.

Ha! I've just remembered something that happened when I was about 21...a girl about my age was getting pushed around by her boyfriend (as I drove by). I pulled over and asked her if she was ok....and she told me to Fuck off!

Yeah, the line that "men are more likely to be randomly attacked" is misleading. The statistic is that men are more likely to be attacked by a stranger, but that doesn't mean it's random.

Of course random assaults and muggings of men do happen, but not at a rate any higher than they happen to women. The increased violence against men that makes them statistically "more likely" to be a victim of assault is a result of arguments between men, often when they're drunk. That's not "random" I'm afraid.

I think what OP is talking about is risk perception and what feels like tolerable risk which is part personality & I dare say biology, rather than reacting to true risk of harm. it doesn't make other side wrong or right. (I'll get yelled at for this like everything else, but I still believe) it's like arguing over whether something is blue or green. You're both right & you're both wrong in trying to speak for the other.

I am more like OP's DH than like OP. & my DH is probably more cautious than I am. I am relatively larger female & have fought people off before so not worried about that, if I had to. My DS was twice beaten up before the age of 14. Nothing half as bad yet has happened to 17yo DD even though she's got a more reckless streak in her character & does more things independently. I pity any poor fool who underestimates her, tbh. I've told her she has my permission to make them suffer if they dare try.

I hate movies when someone uses a gun to 'force' someone on the street, into a car. I'd call their bluff. Over my dead body would they force me anywhere. Since they are planning to kill me, at least I'd have more chance of getting to a hospital lying on a public road than after taken somewhere isolated.

I agree with this @Echobelly:

It's also in some ways I think not that women are more at risk of attack at night (I'm pretty sure that a bloke is more likely to get mugged/beaten up than a woman is to actually get sexually assaulted late at night) it's just women are told to worry about it more. Men are, I guess, supposed to 'manfully' take the chance they might get beaten up but delicate precious women have to be careful what we do and where we go, which frankly pisses me off.

But I think it's a lot more than that. If you look carefully at the messages girls and women are given, you'll see that they are told that they are constantly under threat (from what? No one ever says what the threat actually is - men) and that it is the girls and women who must change their behaviour to mitigate the threat. Generally (with some newer exceptions, wrt public safety posters targeting the behaviour of men) men are never told to change their behaviour - whether it's behaviour to do with avoiding risk or anti-social/violent behaviour. Why? The only reason I can come up with is on a fundamental level, what men do is Important - they can't be interrupted or told to change, women on the other hand, it's fine to push them around and tell them not to do things, it's not like they do anything important is it?

Add to that the fact that women know that if they are sexually assaulted or raped, every effort will be made to make out that it is their fault. A very big part of the 'well-meaning' safety advice given to women has the undertone of reminding them that they really don't have a right to go where they want or do what they want - that men can and will attack them and if that happens, what do they expect? They were warned.

The increased violence against men that makes them statistically "more likely" to be a victim of assault is a result of arguments between men, often when they're drunk. That's not "random" I'm afraid.

So if men get attacked, it's probably their own fault? Classy.

I've always assumed that the fact more men get attacked than women is that there are simply less women around and available to attack at those times of night when there are men out wanting to attack "someone".

If someone out wanting to attack a random person saw a man walking alone and a woman walking alone, would he really choose the man to harass over the woman? If 95/100 people out at night and looking attackable are men, is it surprising that more men are attacked?

YeOld I watched an American Documentary once, and they were talking about being forced in to a car etc. Apparently, you have more chance of survival if you never get in to the car. Run away, and even if the man shoots at you, chances are he'll miss. With every minute that passes when you don't escape, and you become more remote, your chances of survival diminish.

So if men get attacked, it's probably their own fault? Classy.

Well, when men suffer violence, it is usually a result of some prior interaction. Of course nobody deserves to be punched just for arguing with someone else, but I was disputing the PP calling them "random" attacks.

Think of it this way - when there is a spate of rapes/assaults in a particular area, carried out a by a man, women are warned to avoid certain areas, not to walk late at night etc. In that situation, women are not committing any crimes, so why are they told to do something different? Why aren't men told to avoid the area, to give women peace of mind? Oh yes, because we can't annoy men, can we? We can't tell them to change, that's not fair. Women get to be victims and they also get to be told what to do by the people who are supposed to be protecting them. Fabulous.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but this isn't actually true, it's just one of the ways in which women's behaviour is policed and they're kept 'in their place'.

In fact, men are much more at risk of random attacks.

Women are much more at risk from the people they know and in their own home.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but this isn't actually true,

Maybe you should read the thread.

Totally agree with you.

The amount of times I've had blokes say stuff to me that they would never have even considered saying to DH is astounding. This dick head once told me I should walk on the other side of the road - do you think he would have said that to DH? Come on.

As women we have to take so much more into consideration.

He's a very big man, and I'd say if another man set on him, it would be extremely unlikely that DH would not win. He knows how to fight (trained fighting is part of his job)

^^ he has a lot more ‘on his side’ than simply having a penis.

A well built, tall, trained fighter who is a woman probably thinks about ‘the risk’ far less than a smaller bloke.

It's purely anecdotal to discuss my experience, but, everyone I've been attacked it's been random, by people I'd never met and most times when I've been peefectly sober and just walking to somewhere. Got hit with an ashtray once by someone I'd never met because I had long hair and that meant I was a "Fucking poof" apparently.

Generally (with some newer exceptions, wrt public safety posters targeting the behaviour of men) men are never told to change their behaviour - whether it's behaviour to do with avoiding risk or anti-social/violent behaviour. Why? The only reason I can come up with is on a fundamental level, what men do is Important - they can't be interrupted or told to change, women on the other hand, it's fine to push them around and tell them not to do things, it's not like they do anything important is it?

I think it's more a case of a Poster Campaign being highly unlikely to have any success in deterring a man from raping, if that is what he is predisposed to do. Whereas, a woman can take many precautions to ensure that she is not in a situation that could be unsafe, and a Poster Campaign might just highlight a safety precaution, that a woman hadn't thought of!

Male privilege plus he's massive and knows how to fight. You are presumably less massive and not trained to beat the shit out of an attacker.

Your DH needs a smack upside the head with the empathy stick.

I wouldn't say men are at any less risk than women. My dp was stabbed at work. The perpetrator could have gone for any member of staff, male or female, and they went for the tallest and strongest out of them all.

Think of it this way - when there is a spate of rapes/assaults in a particular area, carried out a by a man, women are warned to avoid certain areas, not to walk late at night etc. In that situation, women are not committing any crimes, so why are they told to do something different? Why aren't men told to avoid the area, to give women peace of mind?

You could tell men to avoid the area, and I'm sure the good guys would.....but the rapist would not. So why would women risk it?

I'm away to walk the dogs now avoiding the woods as the Flasher remains at large

I think it's more a case of a Poster Campaign being highly unlikely to have any success in deterring a man from raping, if that is what he is predisposed to do. Whereas, a woman can take many precautions to ensure that she is not in a situation that could be unsafe, and a Poster Campaign might just highlight a safety precaution, that a woman hadn't thought of!

The question is though - given that men attack men and men attack women, why do women have to change anything? Women have as much right as men to walk on streets, go running in the dark etc. If it's simply not safe for women to do that, such that women have to be told to curtail their lives, how is that acceptable? Women just seem to have accepted that men go around destroying lives on a regular basis and that that interferes with everything they do. Shouldn't we be more angry about it?

Statistically, it would be more logical to tell women to take precautions when it comes to the men they know than when they are on their own.

The most statistically sensible campaign to launch to protect women from male violence would be to reduce domestic violence and there have been some recently, for example, when the World Cup was on and it is established that there is a 38% rise in domestic violence when England lose (and over 20% rise when they win or draw).

Women don't get attacked because they failed to take precautions, they get attacked because men choose to attack them. It's very convenient to make women feel responsible though - it stops them from turning around to men and saying 'you're a huge threat, what are you going to do about it?'

He's clueless. Buy him Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates - it's a real eye opener, even for women.

Agree with trout that this is more about risk perception rather than objective risk assessment (sorry, trout, if I am missumarising your post)

About once every few months my DH goes on a work night out and has a bit too much to drink. I always worry about him until I hear the key turn in the front door. I tell him to get a taxi home instead of the late bus.

There are people who attack strangers for a laugh or because they enjoy a fight. I think woman are at more risk than men but men can be attacked too.