Females have to consider risk, far more than males?

[Huskylover1]

It's suddenly hit me, how DH and I have vastly different experiences of life, even though we live in the same place and go to the same places (obviously).

After a conversation, it has occurred to me, that I have been risk assessing most of what I do, for my entire adult life. DH says I worry too much, whereas I just say that I'm sensible!

For example, when I walk the dogs at night, I stick to well lit areas. If I have to park in a car park at night, I park near the exit and where it's well lit. I wouldn't answer the door at 3am, if I was home alone. If I was walking home in the dark, I would take a well lit route, and never cut across a dark park or in the woods. You get my drift.

DH wouldn't think about any of this. He goes where he wants, when he wants, without any thoughts to safety. He's a very big man, and I'd say if another man set on him, it would be extremely unlikely that DH would not win. He knows how to fight (trained fighting is part of his job). He just isn't scared of anything or anyone.

We were talking one night, and I remarked at how absolutely lovely it must be, to be like him : never having to fear anything. He replied that I was just a worrier and he didn't seem to get my point at all. I really don't think I am a worrier. I think that females have to think about things that men don't. I think I've risk assessed my whole adult life, often without even realising.

He didn't seem to understand my point at all.

Jackson Katz has a handy workshop exercise for this - maybe you could complete it with your DH.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.stylist.co.uk/life/sexual-assault-precuations-women-men-social-experiment-jackson-katz-book-facebook/229868/amp

I once had to park in a dodgy, unknown NCP rather than my preferred station car park. I got off the train (about 8-9pm, so way past busy commuter time), and set about adjusting myself:

Bag securely zipped and fastened so nothing could fall out.
Car keys in hand, poking through fingers,
Purse and phone stuffed deep into pockets for easy access.
Walked clear down the middle of the car park 'lane' all the while looking round me.
As soon as I was near my car, took a final look round and then ran to my car, jumped in and locked the doors.

I have never ever ever heard of a man acting similarly.

Yep male privilege.

If a man goes on an online date, his biggest worry (and this was proven in an anonymous poll) is wether his date is fatter/uglier than her profile pic.
A woman’s biggest worry is wether he will try to rape and kill her.

We’re taught this from the moment we can comprehend it. Men aren’t. A mans biggest worry about rape is if he’s sent to prison. A woman subconsciously or consciously thinks it every time she’s alone with strange men around.

So he would be fine with you walking down a dark alley at night?

No, definitely not. Which seems a contradiction to our "chat"

I am also a bit surprised that this has only just occurred to you though

I think it's just occurred to me, that not everyone thinks like I have to, about risk. I am quite a small woman, and would lose a fight with most females, let alone a male. It just hit me, how lovely it must be, how freeing to never have to think about that. IYSWIM.

Men worry they'll get beaten, women worry they'll get killed... Big difference. One of the reasons I'll avoid accidently following women at night and cross over etc to avoid making them worry.

Thank you, for recognising that, KlutzyDraconequus. You’ve reminded me of my middle boy telling me about walking though back streets to get back to his apartment, when he realised that he was walking the exact same path as a young female. He could tell from her body language that she was very nervous of him, so he decided to try to find a different way home. Unfortunately he has dyslexia and got completely lost. Took him an extra hour to find his way home, but thankfully he saw the funny side of it. He would still do the same.

@PositivelyPERF that’s sweet and funny. Next time tell him to just cross to the other side and walk ahead.

Honestly it’s the No Doubt song Just A Girl. We definitely don’t have the same freedoms men do. Not that men aren’t at risk, especially when drunk but they aren’t at the same level of risk as a woman. It isn’t because we are more fragile and feeble either, it can boil down to simple physics. For example, I was in an abusive relationship with a 6 foot 2 man who was built like a brick shithouse. I’m 5 foot 7 so not short but I weighed at least six stone less than him, I didn’t have a hope in hells chance when he came at me and that’s nothing to do with my ‘womanly frailty’...

We definitely have to protect ourselves more than men do and the funny thing is, men have to protect themselves from other men rather than women as a general rule.

I tried to say this to DP with similar examples, like I always walk out of work late at night with my car keys in my hand to use as defense if need be and that's not something he'd need to think about.

He said this was bs and that men get attacked by other men more than women. I have no idea if that's statistically correct. (It pissed me off though - it was said with the inference of 'not all men are like that' and somehow piggy backed onto the particular type of vulnerability that women experience.)

However, I pretty sure someone was trying to rob us on a particular night of the week when DP was out and they knew I was on my own with the DC. Weird stuff kept happening on that single night of the week over a longish period of time. DP thought I was paranoid and nuts to keep the doors locked the minute he was out. In the end our out buildings were robbed on that night. It still would never occur to DP to lock the door when he's alone in the house.

@ResistanceIsNecessary That is a fantastic list, and so true!

Took him an extra hour to find his way home, but thankfully he saw the funny side of it

Bless him!

@shotsfired Exactly, my DH would have just strolled through the car park, no problem. This is my point!

I'm noticing more and more in horror films, that the object of terror is just a man. This is not new to films (obviously), but it's occurred to me, that for a woman home alone, all you need is one man with bad intentions getting in to the house, for her to know that she's absolutely fucked. Whereas, if DH was faced with a strange man in our bedroom, he'd just knock him out.

Totally agree. I remember telling my DH about all the small, almost subconscious decisions I make daily to ensure I’m safe (sitting near the front of the bus, having my keys ready before I get to the front door, texting people to let them know when I’m leaving and how long I’ll be, avoiding certain shortcuts after dark, not having my headphones too loud etc) and it hadn’t even occurred to him that that might be necessary or something I felt compelled to do.

We were talking one night, and I remarked at how absolutely lovely it must be, to be like him : never having to fear anything.

Well this is bollocks for starters, as a man, I am way more likely to be a victim of random violence then a women is. In fact I have been a victim twice of physical assault on the street. And, yes, as it has been pointed out already it is mostly other men committing the violence but that does not really give me much comfort when some idiot I have never met before has decided to he would like to try and stick a bottle in my face.

If on foot I choose my way home at night to best mitigate any harm towards me, I avoid walking past known 'trouble' pubs and bars, town centres at kick out time etc, I cross the road if I see a group of intoxicated men approaching me, I get off the night bus if a rowdy group of lads all get on, I keep my hands out my pockets and walk along the kerb away from hidden doorways, I am extremely wary when people ask me for directions or assistance late at night.

Most of my male friends at some point have been attacked, not because they were seeking trouble, they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is also in my experience of working in pubs / clubs when I was younger was that half the trouble was off the back of women demanding from their male partners 'what are you going to do about it' when some they have been the recipient of some slight, real or imagined.

Sorry, last paragraph was a bit wrong there. It hasn't just occurred to me that a woman home alone would be fucked if a man got in....of course she would. I worded that badly. What I was trying (and failing) to say there, is that all a film maker has to do, to create a scene of absolute terror, is to have a woman alone in a house, with a strange man having broken in (add a mask for more effect). Even without any paranormal shit, that is a scene of terror.

For example, I was in an abusive relationship with a 6 foot 2 man who was built like a brick shithouse. I’m 5 foot 7 so not short but I weighed at least six stone less than him, I didn’t have a hope in hells chance when he came at me and that’s nothing to do with my ‘womanly frailty’

My first DH attacked me and pinned me down. He was only 5ft 7 and thin, but I could not move him whatsoever (he was sat on my chest).
He was crap up against other men though - wimp and useless.

I do think it's surprising that he can't understand your point of view, given he admits he wouldn't want you doing those things either!

Come live in Central America for a while and I'm sure he'll start to understand your perspective a little better!

I couldn't live that way. I go where I want when I want and i think the chance of any of the nasty things happening is very low. I believe that young men are the higher risk group for being attacked. I will carry on running through the woods in the dark, taking dog out early am and late pm on my own and walking back to the tube station or bus stop when I go out without getting anxious. Once you start all this they have won.

Well this is bollocks for starters, as a man, I am way more likely to be a victim of random violence then a women is

Did not mean to offend. I was talking about DH really. Very big guy, and trained to deal with the public/break up fights etc.

It is also in my experience of working in pubs / clubs when I was younger was that half the trouble was off the back of women demanding from their male partners 'what are you going to do about it' when some they have been the recipient of some slight, real or imagined

Really? Women to blame for male violence?

You are completely right. I started to always tell my husband when something happened (e.g. get verbally harassed by man, or intimidated, followed etc), in the past I would brush it off as it happened quite a lot when we lived in the UK. I wanted to try and help him understand what it is like to feel like you have to be 'on guard' every time you leave the house as he just didn't get it either.

I do think it's a mix of being a woman and knowing you are a target, but also that since being little we've always been drilled in how to protect yourself, what to do and how to keep safe etc. Boys don't get that.

Once you start all this they have won

Hmm, I know what you mean, but that mantra won't serve you well, if you do get attacked. You would never get me in the woods alone at night.

JacquesHammer I can see what that poster meant. It's poking at their Partners male bravado, isn't it? "That guy just pinched my bum, are you going to stand by and do nothing?"...what is a young male meant to do then, without feeling like a wimp if he does nothing?

@PositivelyPERF that’s sweet and funny. Next time tell him to just cross to the other side and walk ahead.

I realised how different my experience is to a man's experience when my dh didn't understand why I wouldn't go to the toilets at a train station at night. I nearly wet myself instead.
I travel alone at night often, mainly on long and fairly empty trains. The women tend to spot each other and get into the same carriage. You can see the same hypervigilance in all of them.

It's also in some ways I think not that women are more at risk of attack at night (I'm pretty sure that a bloke is more likely to get mugged/beaten up than a woman is to actually get sexually assaulted late at night) it's just women are told to worry about it more. Men are, I guess, supposed to 'manfully' take the chance they might get beaten up but delicate precious women have to be careful what we do and where we go, which frankly pisses me off.

I am a lifelong Londoner and I consider risk somewhat - I don't like to walk at night through areas I'm not familiar with, but when I was younger I went out a lot all over London, used late transport and night buses (and waited and waited for nightbuses) regularly on my own without anything worse happening than a guy once putting his hand on my thigh, me telling him to stop and moving to another part of the bus, and I feel sad that I see a lot of messages saying that girls, especially, should always take a cab at night/restrict their movements. Maybe it's got lots worse in 20 years, I dunno. But I don't actually want to say to my DD when she's old enough that she has to take taxis if she wants to be out late and so on.

what is a young male meant to do then, without feeling like a wimp if he does nothing

All part of toxic masculinity though, none of which is the fault of women.

Most men have no idea the amount of harassment and threat women live with on a daily basis

But I don't actually want to say to my DD when she's old enough that she has to take taxis if she wants to be out late and so on

I bet you will though. I always tell my DD to never walk home alone, and to stick together (with the other girls) on nights out.