Not following CF’s instructions - AIBU or not?

[BumbleBeef30]

Background: Friend and Nob are separated with a child Z. Child Z is friends with DC and I am friends with Friend. I know Nob, but I don’t like him and, from some of the things Z mentions to DC, I think he can often be a very shit dad. Z is eight years old.

DC and Z went to a birthday party today. Friend and I decided to spend time going round the shops before I picked up DC.

About an hour after the party started I got a text from Nob (no idea how he got my number) who said that he was starting work two hours early so could I bring Z back. I asked Friend about it and she said if I didn’t mind it would be best to do what he asked (yes, he is a controlling twat). So I texted back, no problem.

Friend and I walked round the shops for a bit and then I got another text from Nob saying that he wanted me to drop Z off at his address, 1 Dickhead Avenue. Bit of a problem there because Nob doesn’t actually live at 1 Dickhead Avenue and wouldn’t be there himself when I dropped Z off because he would already be at work.

I asked Friend about this and she said she would just take Z home because the arrangement was that she would pick Z up from Nob’s at 6 and the party only finished at 5:30 so it would save her a journey. Worth noting that it takes 45 minutes to get from party to where Nob lives and he hadn’t told Friend that his contact would be overrunning so, as far as he was concerned, she would have been hanging around outside his house for 15-20 mins not knowing what was happening.

AIBU to be annoyed that Nob has texted a mutual friend to complain that I didn’t follow his instructions? I think he is a CF, I don’t think it’s right for him to ask me to drop an eight year old child off at a random address, particularly when her parent isn’t there to meet her, and also I’m not a fucking taxi service to be ordered whenever he can’t be bothered to make sure he’s available to deal with his own child. But when I said this to our mutual friend she said IWBU because she would have dropped Z off where Nob wanted and that in her opinion I was wrong.

Normally I wouldn’t care what someone like Nob thought, and I know he is a CF, but his complaining and then mutual friend’s reaction have annoyed me and I can’t stop wondering if IWBU.

I feel for Friend, a little bit. I know what it's like to have an abuser convince you that 'peace at any price' is worth it. But at some point you have to throw that off for the sake of your child.

Have you sat her down and talked to her about this? Not in a 'judgy pants' way as far as it affecting Z as she'd probably see that as attacking her mothering. But that, herself, deserves better.

OMG
this thread is still going!!!

I would strongly suspect he knew you were with his ex and was doing it to mess with her and control.

He's b completely and utterly U. However if his contact ended at 6pm and Z was at a party until 5.30pm I am struggling to understand why an arrangement wasn't made for friend to just pick up Z from party. Rather than Dad picking up daughter driving to his house and then friend picking her up. Seems an odd thing to do and a waste of everyone's time.

And if the above wasn't arranged I would have suggested that straight away on receipt of dads text. Why would you pull a child out of a party not even to see dad as he would be at work.

All very weird.

Mutual friend has a point, no matter how awful Z's Dad may be. If you agreed to pick Z up, then you should have done. If he then asked you to drop her somewhere else, you should have discussed your issue with him. It was wrong to allow friend to take Z without telling her Dad, when you told him you would take her home for him.

I agree that another time you need to say no sooner, though. I hope your friend gets some support.

Nob engineered this whole situation so that the childs Mum would be outside his house and no one would be there and he could berate her for not picking up her child, even though she wouldn't have known where in hell the child was. My god this man is a prize manipulater and total dick.

Support your friend by encouraging her to laugh at Nob and ignore him. The best thing to do with these men is treat them with cheerful contempt - remember you are under no obligation at all to obey him, and can point that out to him.

I hadn’t prearranged to take Z home from the party, no. I was just there to pick up my DC.

He texted me out of the blue while the party was going on.

I'm sorry to lower the tone but what an utter cunt.

I wonder what would have happened if you'd not seen any of his texts or refused to pick up Z in the first place or your DC hadn't even been at the party?

Unbelievable.

I hadn’t prearranged to take Z home from the party, no. I was just there to pick up my DC."

He texted me out of the blue while the party was going on.

You agreed to take him home, not out of your way. Party finished 5:30pm so time all were collected and travelled (to closer home even), would have been end of his contact time at 6pm.

He later asked you to take somewhere to an address miles away out of your way where he wouldn't be and you had no idea who lived there. And it was asking you to collude in keeping Z way after end of contact time. And to scaring Z's Mum who (as far as he was concerned) had no idea where Z would be, to collect at 6pm.

As PP said above, what a c- - t.
Rubbish dad. Glad you didn't agree. I wouldn't have either

His behaviour afterwards as well gaslighting to Z's mum that she (not he who didn't turn up!!) was "blocking his contact" which would have ended by then anyway!!! And he wasn't even there!! What a manipulative tosser!!