Not following CF’s instructions - AIBU or not?

[BumbleBeef30]

Background: Friend and Nob are separated with a child Z. Child Z is friends with DC and I am friends with Friend. I know Nob, but I don’t like him and, from some of the things Z mentions to DC, I think he can often be a very shit dad. Z is eight years old.

DC and Z went to a birthday party today. Friend and I decided to spend time going round the shops before I picked up DC.

About an hour after the party started I got a text from Nob (no idea how he got my number) who said that he was starting work two hours early so could I bring Z back. I asked Friend about it and she said if I didn’t mind it would be best to do what he asked (yes, he is a controlling twat). So I texted back, no problem.

Friend and I walked round the shops for a bit and then I got another text from Nob saying that he wanted me to drop Z off at his address, 1 Dickhead Avenue. Bit of a problem there because Nob doesn’t actually live at 1 Dickhead Avenue and wouldn’t be there himself when I dropped Z off because he would already be at work.

I asked Friend about this and she said she would just take Z home because the arrangement was that she would pick Z up from Nob’s at 6 and the party only finished at 5:30 so it would save her a journey. Worth noting that it takes 45 minutes to get from party to where Nob lives and he hadn’t told Friend that his contact would be overrunning so, as far as he was concerned, she would have been hanging around outside his house for 15-20 mins not knowing what was happening.

AIBU to be annoyed that Nob has texted a mutual friend to complain that I didn’t follow his instructions? I think he is a CF, I don’t think it’s right for him to ask me to drop an eight year old child off at a random address, particularly when her parent isn’t there to meet her, and also I’m not a fucking taxi service to be ordered whenever he can’t be bothered to make sure he’s available to deal with his own child. But when I said this to our mutual friend she said IWBU because she would have dropped Z off where Nob wanted and that in her opinion I was wrong.

Normally I wouldn’t care what someone like Nob thought, and I know he is a CF, but his complaining and then mutual friend’s reaction have annoyed me and I can’t stop wondering if IWBU.

Probably because it's such a ridiculous situation and everyone is pandering to nob when he just needs a bit of a kick up the arse!

OP sorry if I kiss this but how do you know another mutual friend was told he complained? And why didn't that friend tell nob he's being a dick?

Tellthemnothing I'm someone who can't interpret gibberish.

Firstly, it wasn't gibberish as evidenced by the majority of posters understanding perfectly what the OP was saying.

Secondly, that's your problem not the OP's and is no justification or excuse for the comments you made upthread.

Thirdly, if you couldn't understand enough to make a relevant comment why bother to comment at all, why not just click out of the thread and move onto one more suited to your level of understanding.

What were the original arrangements, who was dropping Z off where and at what time

Nob was originally planning to pick up Z from party at 5.30pm and Friend was then due to pick Z up from Nob's place (not Dickhead Avenue) at 6.00pm. But Nob changed all this by going to work 2 hours early and it is his nobiness in wanting to mess with his ex which caused all the furore.

@RedDogsBeg - it feels like Tellthemnothing is Making A Point

It seemed pretty clear to me, and I wouldn't describe myself as brilliant. Mind you, I'm reading with an open mind.

So Nob was asking for a favour because hadn't arranged childcare...

He can f*ck off!

I did wonder if Non was planning to tell Friend where Z was. On past evidence looks like that's a no.

Wow so all of that just to deprive your friend (the mum) from having an easy journey home with you and a 30 minute earlier pick up from contact even though he was at work and missing it anyway?

What a nob. A proper one, the small pathetic kind.

@Tellthemnothing I think the issue here is your complete lack of comprehension skills as evidenced when you told OP not to have any children. It clearly states in the op that Z is friends with her DC and they were both at the party.

The op was perfectly easy to understand, and quite a few subsequent posters broke it down further and explained it more than adequately.

Oh and OP, you absolutely did the right thing.

Still no idea who lives at Dickhead Avenue, but Friend has just phoned in tears because Nob has sent her repeated texts accusing her of “stealing” his contact time.

I’ve suggested she might want to block him too.

Your friend needs to go to court and get proper access arrangements sorted out including acceptable drop-off / collection locations because just casually informing her on a previous occasion that Z was in a different city 2 hours away with no notice and she'd need to collect from there is unacceptable.

YANBU.

She’s not stolen Nob’s contact time, she’s stolen the mystery resident of Dickhead Avenue’s contact time.

Next time Nob texts anyone about anything in future, I’d suggest the default reply ought to be: “Fuck off.”

Yes I agree she needs to go back to court because this is continued abuse and harassment from nob 🤬

I admit I was confused by the OP at first, but @JollyAndBright 's post clarified matters quickly. Just re-read the OP and it makes sense now. I think it was the Dickhead Avenue that caused confusion. Not sure why it didn't compute, I write contracts for a living!

@GreenTulips

It does make sense

Dad (Knob) has dropped child at the party and he was going to collect him til 6 when Mum would pick him up.

This confused me even more! Collect til 6?!

If nob can text friend to abuse her, he can text her to arrange his daughter to be collected.

She "stole" he contact time when he went to work at 5 and Z was at a party until 5.30??

Does friend drive? Because if she does I don't understand why nob didn't text friend rather than you.

Agree that the terms of the court order need tightening up to give clear drop off/pick up locations. And you have done right to block nob. Try not to get pulled into to a wider circle of opinions by mutual friend. It's all a bit unnecessary.

OP, it's not really possible for friend to block nob completely as there will be times when he has Z and she will (I assume) wish to be contactable in case of emergency.

I would recommend that she get a cheap PAYG phone, just for contact with nob, that she blocks him on her normal phone and gives him the new number and that she switches it off unless nob has Z.

I would still like to know who lives at DH Ave! And DC’s mother needs to find out as well. It’s unacceptable for Nob to arrange a friend (OP) to drop DC off with some total random.

I cannot believe this thread is still going!!

U r abosolutely right not to drop off at strangers address. U dont know who lived there and could have ended up in the middle of a safeguarding alert.

Why didn't he just ask you to keep his kid Op & your friend collect from you at her "alloted time"?

@BumbleBeef30. My exH used to send me 20+ abusive texts some days, so I blocked his mobile (for texts) and set up an email address that he could use that was named something like "[email protected]"

And I ignored (didn't respond to) anything that wasn't directly factual about child contact dates or handover arrangements. Court (judges) were satisfied with that. It meant I could have some peace from intrusive abusive texts and check email via my phone when I felt up to it (& it also meant I had documented evidence I could print out with dates clearly marked when he'd sent it etc for police & court, as my exH was arrested for DV & given warning about harrassment)

Wouldn't even think twice about it. Mutual friend can fuck off aswell. What were you supposed to do, tell the parent of the child that she couldn't take her? I'm pretty sure that would count as abduction or something wouldn't it?

He's accusing her of stealing his time ? double nob.

Presumably if friend had not been with you she would of made her way to nobs house and waited...meanwhile had nob got his way their child would be miles away at Dickhead Avenue ?

As someone with a family member currently going through contact agreements etc. Most contact agreements state that at times when the other parent cannot care for the child the other parents gets first refusal unless arranged otherwise. So if for example nob was supposed to have Z but then unable to due to work then unless they have a prior agreement bobs mother or brother or whatever has Z in those situations then Z’s mother should get first refusal as she is the other legal guardian. If he was at work not with Z then she was not stealing his contact time as he wasn’t using it to He in contact with Z. I suggest they go back to court and figure out a new agreement. And for your sanity block nob and ignore any contact he makes with you and also if mutual friend that clearly sided with nob sticks her oar in again block them too.

Ps. Maybe suggest to Z's mum that she does same? It'd give her more of a sense of control