Not following CF’s instructions - AIBU or not?

[BumbleBeef30]

Background: Friend and Nob are separated with a child Z. Child Z is friends with DC and I am friends with Friend. I know Nob, but I don’t like him and, from some of the things Z mentions to DC, I think he can often be a very shit dad. Z is eight years old.

DC and Z went to a birthday party today. Friend and I decided to spend time going round the shops before I picked up DC.

About an hour after the party started I got a text from Nob (no idea how he got my number) who said that he was starting work two hours early so could I bring Z back. I asked Friend about it and she said if I didn’t mind it would be best to do what he asked (yes, he is a controlling twat). So I texted back, no problem.

Friend and I walked round the shops for a bit and then I got another text from Nob saying that he wanted me to drop Z off at his address, 1 Dickhead Avenue. Bit of a problem there because Nob doesn’t actually live at 1 Dickhead Avenue and wouldn’t be there himself when I dropped Z off because he would already be at work.

I asked Friend about this and she said she would just take Z home because the arrangement was that she would pick Z up from Nob’s at 6 and the party only finished at 5:30 so it would save her a journey. Worth noting that it takes 45 minutes to get from party to where Nob lives and he hadn’t told Friend that his contact would be overrunning so, as far as he was concerned, she would have been hanging around outside his house for 15-20 mins not knowing what was happening.

AIBU to be annoyed that Nob has texted a mutual friend to complain that I didn’t follow his instructions? I think he is a CF, I don’t think it’s right for him to ask me to drop an eight year old child off at a random address, particularly when her parent isn’t there to meet her, and also I’m not a fucking taxi service to be ordered whenever he can’t be bothered to make sure he’s available to deal with his own child. But when I said this to our mutual friend she said IWBU because she would have dropped Z off where Nob wanted and that in her opinion I was wrong.

Normally I wouldn’t care what someone like Nob thought, and I know he is a CF, but his complaining and then mutual friend’s reaction have annoyed me and I can’t stop wondering if IWBU.

I can see why you referred to him as nob, he well and truly is a total and utter twunt.

Contact is for the benefit of the child. If anything he stole her contact time and gave it to his employer. Nob.

OP, i read most this post as I am in a similar (not the same) position to your friend, though it has been a long time since abusive messages from my nob had me in tears. I have finally contacted the police last week as in my case plenty more lines have been crossed, but the only thing I can prove is malicious communication. They seem to be taking it very seriously and have offered guidance and support. So if there are actual abusive messages I would recommend your friend does the same. The police will not contact nob until she gives her express permission (I am still undecided on this as would rather not antagonise him for the sake of the kids). It is very reassuring to be told you are not powerless.

YWNNNBU! He was many things but CF is kindest of all that comes to mind. You are a good, strong friend and also a good carer of children.

Nob and mutual friend are "more" than friends or mutual friend would like to be. Hence nasty behavior.

Mutual friend told nob that you, OP, and d's mother were together to Ingratiate herself to nob; she is NOT your friend. Relocate her to mutual ACQUAINTANCE file.

Bob's behavior was all to wind your poor friend up and cause pain and confusion. Tell her to go to YouTube and watch several videos abt manipulating narcissistic personality disorder people and how to deal with them. There are several practical, helpful tools for dealing with them that, when you learn about them, really work.

Best advice to z's mother was the "get cell for when nob has z, only phone."

You're a very good friend who is a fine example of "normal." When someone is in a relationship with the manipulative sort, boundaries and reality get blurry. It happens on purpose by nobs who need control. She is lucky to have you. Best wishes.

Oops.
Z's not d's. Nob, not Bob. Please excuse any other corrections made by my cf autocorrect.

You deferred to the parent. YANBU. You are being responsible, in fact. Block his number.

Wondering if mutual friend was at 1 DH Ave waiting for Z....

OP, has your friend been on the Freedom Programme?

She might find it a lot easier to cope with his attempts to control and abuse her from afar if she can see what he's doing and how out of order he is. It sounds like he's done a right number on her.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's information not therapy (she won't have to share anything with anybody or stand up and talk), free to attend the group course, and entirely confidential so Nob will never be able to use it against her (if she's afraid of that). They don't even keep attendance lists and the times/locations of courses are kept confidential. When I went nobody in the building except the facilitators knew what we were there for. It's also women only. And we always had cake or biscuits.

I went cold reading this. My ex nob was exactly the same. We’ve been separated years, the children are grown and STILL he will find a way to contact me just to give abuse. The most recent time was after my mum died recently. I received a Facebook private message through a name not on my friends. The message expressed sympathy and for a previous family loss. When it was established it was him, I assumed he’d finally grown up and he asked about the kids, mine & family’s welfare regularly.... Until after the funeral! And then all the old hatred resurfaced: He wished me and my siblings had died too; I was a dirty slag; my kids will hate me etc etc.
He swiftly got blocked. His children don’t want to see him ever again and he’ll die a bitter, lonely old man. Nob.

Yes, advise your friend to send Nob a message: 'In future all matters relating to DC should be sent to 'dickheadcontact@email address'. All other attempts at communication from you will be ignored.' Then block his number, and if he phones or texts from other numbers, ignore the texts and put the phone down on him. He has no right to force your friend to engage with him when he's just making a nuisance of himself.

Nob is most definitely a control freak and a manipulator. He does not like that he has had to ask you to do something for him, worse still that you had the temerity to tell him you were not going to do what he asked you to do. Thing is, just like all control freaks etc, he is a bloody coward, and rather than take up his ineffectual anger at having what he sees as "control" wrested from his grasp with you... he has to be snide about it and gossip.

You did the right thing. Nob really IS a nob

Stealing the contact time he wasn't there for? What an asshat.

Nob and mutual friend both sounds like nobs or is it knobs? 🤔🤷‍♀️

Definitely suggest Z's mum does what @ReanimatedSGB suggests.
I did and it gave me far more peace.

Have you had a chance to speak to her? Do update when you can if you do XX

He’s a knob, mutualities friend is sucking that knob (or wants to). Block both. Your friend needs to change number, block him. Get a pay as you go for contact with knob and wait for DS to work out what a knob his dad is

Mutual friend is either at it with nob or wants to be. Was it mutual friends address, do you know where they live?

Your friend sounds quite down trodden by her ex. Suggest to her about blocking his number and looking at the freedom programme.

OP I know it's late to be posting on this thread but I've been reading it with a kind of horror.

Nob's behaviour actually rings pretty loud alarm bells for me. It's more than just being a general dickhead, it's sinister, manipulative and worrying. You should strongly advise your friend to keep a diary of all of these events, keep record of texts, record phone calls etc.

He sounds like a dangerous man to cross in terms of his capability to manipulate people and cause chaos. She may find that one day she has cause need proof of this type of behavior.

She didn't "steal" his contact time, he gave it away by going to work early!

Anyway, may I ask one teeny tiny question? Had you pre-arranged to take Z home from the party or did Nob just text you out of the blue whle the party was going on?

I hadn’t prearranged to take Z home from the party, no. I was just there to pick up my DC.

He texted me out of the blue while the party was going on.

Mutual friend doesn’t live at Dickhead Avenue. I still have no idea who lives there.

I actually drove near Dickhead Avenue today. I should have made a little detour.

But how did friend expect to pick up her child when she was supposed to.? Was she going to go to the dad's to find no one there?

All I can take from this is that Nob is a controlling idiot and poor child stuck in the middle.

Yes, I suppose that’s what would have happened. It’s happebed before.

They do have a court order in place, but he decides what happens and she won’t even think about going back to court. She thinks he would make life even more difficult for her and Z if she did.

Poor Z thinks her dad is brilliant, probably because Friend won’t say anything bad about him. She just puts up with the shit.

Then I feel even more sorry for z. Your friend needs to go back to court and give the child some stability.