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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I have done something terrible and I need to confess.

270 replies

StressfullTimes · 18/11/2018 19:41

I have name changed through embarrassment and so this thread can't be linked to my future posts as admitting to this more than once is unthinkable. I am at the point of desperation and can't see away out of the mess I am in and fear of just making it worse. I had to move area not through choice but it was a necessary move, I was re-homed by a housing association it was at the start of the year. I moved and started up home with not very much and 11 months down the line I am still in the same boat. I was lucky in the fact that I got a grant from the housing people of a cooker, fridge freezer and washing machine so didn't need to buy them but all the other things I need I still don't have. I try and put a little away each week to save up for one thing at a time but never seem to get there. Money is tight and I know it is for many and there are many people worse of than me but I am so desperate right now I am considering a Provident loan. It would solve my short term problem of my ds has grown and I have no cash to buy anything but would make my next few months tougher than they are now as I can't afford the repayments. I did something on Friday I was not proud but desperation took over, I am not excusing my behaviour I am very ashamed of myself just trying to explain what drove me to it. My ds lost a jumper at school I can't afford to replace it so looked in lost property thankfully it was there so I took it back but I also took a pair black jogging bottoms in his size that weren't his so he had something to wear this weekend. I know it was wrong and I feel very guilty this behaviour is really not who I am.

OP posts:
Introverted1 · 19/11/2018 01:06

So many kind people on this thread. Flowers

Op has had numerous offers of clothing here plus a few “I’ve PM’d you posts”, whatever that means.

I do hope that the OP doesn’t accept offers of cash etc because this thread is about whether she should give the joggers back.

Let’s be cautious about encouraging begging threads, which this one may inadvertently promote if there are less than scrupulous readers of it.

BalthazarImpresario · 19/11/2018 01:48

Cab or womens aid to see if they can point you in the direction of someone to help with your benefits, in my area there is a service run by you trust (they may only be hampshire though) and some of the advisors I've encountered are ferocious, they get you what you are entitled to.

Sounds like you need to be reassessed /paid correctly.

Please don't worry about the joggers especially as the child isn't at the school anymore.

Bouncingbelle · 19/11/2018 01:53

Don't know if anyone has suggested it, but look up your local st vincent de paul society - they will be able to help with any household items you need and probably mire

robofw9 · 19/11/2018 01:59

OP unless I've missed something you may not be getting all the benefit you are due. Surely all 3 DCs should be included as born before the rule change? Appreciate DWP/JobCentre hard to fight but your HA should have a welfare/ support/income generation worker (job title varies) who can help you appeal. Is very much in HA's interest as more money in tenant purses helps them pay rent on time. Please ask.
And really do not worry about the jog bottoms, I used to be in our PTA, we had to deal with lost property/spare uniforms & we had to fill sheds with the stuff before we were allowed to put some in the clothes bank.
Actually, your PTA may well be worth talking to. Often good knowledge of who has spare clothes only too glad to pass on. You'd be doing another parent a favour, honestly!
HTH

GaryBaldbiscuit · 19/11/2018 06:39

the child whose name was in the joggers has left the school???
i guess they could still belong to someone else though op?

they might have been passed down to someone else

Lughofthelongarm · 19/11/2018 06:55

Contact your local Catholic Church and ask to speak to someone from the St Vincent de Paul Society (SVP). It doesn’t matter what your faith is or lack of faith.
This charity’s mission is to alleviate poverty.
They can help you in lots of ways.

Fakeflowersandlemonade · 19/11/2018 06:59

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. I work in a school and one child lost so many jumpers that every few weeks we would just give him unclaimed jumpers. Also at the end of every year the contents of the lost property box is donated to a family with not much money anyway.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 19/11/2018 07:54

OP, what age group are we talking? I can have a look at anything we have and post it in to you, if it’d help?

StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 08:06

I just want to thank you all for your kind words and supportive words, it means alot. I was feeling extremely overwhelmed by my situation yesterday everything got to much and I used you lot as a sounding board and the number of supportive posts has meant so much. I am getting the dc ready for school and will be dropping them off shortly as in our area children how get free school meals also get free breakfast club which includes breakfast which is a massive help. I will come back and explain my situation a little further if that's ok with you all I have bottled it up for so long I just need to get it off of my chest. Thank you all again for your lovely words

OP posts:
StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 09:18

So about 2 years ago I was the lady who posted about being sick of having wet and cold feet as I didn't have appropriate shoes. I was offered loads of bits and pieces from boots to winter coats but I was either to proud, ashamed or embarrassed to except them in hindsight I made the wrong choice with that. Yesterday I hit a low point where not having money for things we need really got to me and I had to let it out, I was tired, hungry, cold with pmt and everything got a bit much. I am going to walk up to the drop in benefit session you take a ticket and wait your turn as I need some help in making a plan forward, the shortfall between housing benefit and my actual rent is about 50% so I big part of my money goes on that shortfall.
A few people have asked about the dc ages,
Dd1 is 11, ds is 9 and youngest dd will be 7 1st December. I know this time of year is hard on a lot of people and for me personally everything got a bit much.

OP posts:
CandyCreeper · 19/11/2018 09:18

call child tax credits today and make a claim, not sure who told you you wasnt entitled. best to do it today as they wont backdate!

StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 09:29

I do get some tax credits already but I will give them a call today to see if my award is correct. Is it a free phone number?

OP posts:
StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 09:29

I have the number I just mean is it free to call.

OP posts:
Birrdy · 19/11/2018 09:31

Is this real? It's hardly crime of the century.

StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 09:37

Yes Birrdy it is real, I realise it is not crime of the century but I felt bad about it. My guilty and upset was more than just the joggers tho it was the whole situation everything got on top of me and I had a moment of weakness locked in my bathroom crying and posted about it.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 19/11/2018 09:41

Really don't beat yourself up over it. If it's not labelled it will probably just end up in the charity shop. I could also offer you a couple of pairs of leggings that my DDs have grown out of, I'm constantly needing to do a sort out of things we don't need anymore. Thanks

DrPeppersPhD · 19/11/2018 09:44

Ok honey, take a deep slow breath, 5 counts in and 5 counts out.
You sound really desperate right now, we've all done things we wouldn't normally when we're desperate. Take them back in, say you took them by mistake, it'll be ok.

Cherries101 · 19/11/2018 09:44

Keep it until you’re in a better financial place and then return it to the school.

Feefeetrixabelle · 19/11/2018 09:47

Dm me your address op I have some bits and I know some charities that may be able to help.

Much better to accept help than steal.

You can always pay it forward in the future. I had to accept help a while back and now I knit hats and scarves for the homeless. It’s not much but it helps them.

Lizzie48 · 19/11/2018 09:47

I also recommend Christians Against Poverty, they are excellent and you'll get help with budgeting and a lot of support. And the CAB as well.

RB68 · 19/11/2018 09:54

Can I also say any of the Christian Charities won't be trying to convert you either.

You clearly need some more help and asking social services of a DV team (if you have one) can open doors to food bank (so you then have a bit spare for clothes)

Also don't be afraid to buy from ebay (clothes are cheap and generally in bundles) or ask friends with kids similar ages - kids can be a bit sensitive over 12 but you can ask people whose kids are not at the same school etc.

I agree Primark for basics is good but I also understand 10 quid is 10 quid you don't have if you don't have it. There are funds DV and SS have access to in terms of being able to recommend you for help - particularly for children's things - so clothes, shoes, school uniform. Please ask.

LakieLady · 19/11/2018 10:31

Although I can only claim for 2 dc we were housed in a 3 bed but housing benefit cap at 2 bed rate as 3dc doesn't exist in their eyes, I use a lot of benefit to cover shortfall I need to keep the house I can't lose it.

I suspect you are "benefit capped", as families with 3 children often are. The cap reduces total benefit income to £384.62 pw (more in London), and comes off housing benefit.

You should still be entitled to full child tax credit for all 3, plus whatever benefit you get for yourself, as long as you are getting child benefit for all 3 children. (If you're not, because someone else is getting the CB for one of them, this can be sorted, too. PM me if you want to know how to go about it).

If you were working for 50 weeks out of the year before you started claiming, you have a "grace period" of 39 weeks before the benefit cap is applied. This also applies if your ex was working for that period, even though you have now split up.

If you get PIP or any of the kids get DLA middle or higher rate care, the benefit cap should not apply.

Even if the "grace period"/PIP/DLA doesn't apply, then contact the council, explain your situation and ask for the form for a Discretionary Housing Payment. These are for families who are struggling because of the benefit cap or bedroom tax and, if your application is successful, could cover the whole shortfall between your rent and your housing benefit.

And if you have debts that you are struggling with, please get in touch with CAB, Christians Against Poverty or Step Change and get specialist advice. They are very helpful, and won't judge or preach!

It's disgraceful that people are put in such dreadful situations as yours, especially when they've already plainly been through a very tough time. It makes my blood boil.

tablelegs · 19/11/2018 10:36

Don't worry about the joggers OP.

Put them back or keep them. The vast majority of things never get to go back to their original home so please don't give it a second thought to keep them.

Do you have a family support worker you could contact to put you in touch with a local clothing bank? Food banks are often associated with a clothing bank who could help you with clothing for your child.

Freecycle, charity shops, Facebook marketplace are all great places to get clothes. eBay for bundles of clothing.

GaryBaldbiscuit · 19/11/2018 10:36

Op contact Christians against poverty, some good can come out of your actions,

StressfullTimes · 19/11/2018 10:36

Ok, I have managed to find out I can apply for a water grant as I have 3dc and am on benefits. They will clear the balance on my account as a one off and then my monthly bill is capped at £12.50 no matter how much money I use. That is much cheaper than what it is now as I am currently on a meter which is a help, the debt is cleared and it will hopefully go away to helping other direct debits bouncing and getting bank charges each month. I have also applied for a warm home discount through my supplier worth £150 not 100% if I am eligible for that, I answered all questions honestly and said I will get a letter letting me know.

OP posts:
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