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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yr old DD called me fat

167 replies

DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 18:44

She’s a very mature girl and usually so empathetic. I’m heartbroken.

We were minding a relatives baby and he’s at that chubby newborn stage and DD was cooing all over him and said “you can be fat with mummy” then when I looked upset she just bawled crying saying she didn’t mean it. I’ve just come upstairs to get the baby ready and she’s wailing downstairs.

How do I react to this? I am fat but it has never impacted anything I do with her, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give her the best well rounded (excuse the pun) life. She’s involved in lots of sports and has no issue with weight. My food issue is loneliness when she’s in bed.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/11/2018 18:47

Ouch.
I'm sure you won't but don't make her feel bad, she's doing that herself.
Talk to her when she's calmed down and just try and explain that your feelings were hurt.

Cherries101 · 18/11/2018 18:50

So if you are visibly fat then she told you the truth. I think you need to have the ‘I know it’s true but you shouldn’t comment on someone else’s appearance’ conversation. By letting her cry it out you were basically punishing her for being honest in her eyes and long term that never ends well.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 18/11/2018 18:50

Of course she got upset when she realised she’d upset you. All you needed to do was have a chat about how people don’t like to be described as fat so it’s not good manners to say it.

Abagisforlifenotjustfor · 18/11/2018 18:51

Be honest. Tell her exactly what you said in your OP:

" It true sweetheart, I am overweight but it has never impacted anything I do with you, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give you the best well rounded life I can. You are involved in lots of sports and have no issue with weight - in fact you are beautiful. Mums food issue are because I get lonely and a bit bored when you are in bed and then probably eat too much."

Then go on... something like this I suggest

" You took me by surprise when you called me fat, and I found it hurtful. Not because it isn't the truth, it is, and I want to be able to be honest with you, but because you were blunt and a bit direct - which was hurtful. Do you want yo talk about it?"

I say this as a fellow comfort eater who is carrying extra pounds. It's tricky because you don't want to deny the issue (that can have negative connotations in itself), but you need to make her aware that her comment and the manner it was delivered were what upset you.

Goid luck OP. SmileFlowers

MrsStrowman · 18/11/2018 18:54

My DN asked my DB of he had a baby in his belly like mummy and auntie Strowman. He's gained quite a bit of weight, she was being honest, he just said no daddy has been eating too many sweeties and not going to the gym enough. You've now created a thing for your child about weight. Congrats. If you're overweight, you're overweight you've now made a child feel bad about your insecurities and left her to cry to punish her.

MysweetAudrina · 18/11/2018 18:54

She wasn't saying it in a negative way to the baby was she? So why are you assuming she meant it in a negative way towards you. She just said what she saw. She wasn't attaching emotion to it until you reacted and now she is hurt too.

busybarbara · 18/11/2018 18:55

By letting her cry it out you were basically punishing her for being honest

Well yeah... Honesty is not always needed or polite and she's learnt that today, if in a rather sudden and severe way.

CordeliaGoode · 18/11/2018 18:55

Children say what they see.

Flashingbeacon · 18/11/2018 18:56

Different opinion but because she got so upset so quickly if find someway of asking if she’s heard it somewhere.
I had this exact thing with ds, someone called me fat (which is correct) in his earshot. He thought it was wrong but no one called it out so he wasn’t sure. He said it to me to “test” it out as it were. Little people learning social norms. Tall is ok, thin is ok, etc with other adults.
It’s the getting instantly upset that makes me think.
Anyway she wouldn’t be upset if she was trying to hurt you.

SilverLining10 · 18/11/2018 18:57

Her reaction tells you that shes very sorry for saying it. It sounds as if it just slipped out and it wasnt intentional.
Flowers

TheBigBangRocks · 18/11/2018 18:58

Don't make her feel bad for saying something that's true, she didn't use it as an insult.

NerrSnerr · 18/11/2018 18:58

Although I know children need to learn that they can't comment on people's weight I can see how it's confusing for a 7 year old in this context. People were saying the baby is chubby which is acceptable- maybe she thought it's acceptable to say it about family members?

I would have a chat, her reaction shows she wasn't saying it to be unkind.

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 18:59

Different opinion but because she got so upset so quickly if find someway of asking if she’s heard it somewhere.
I had this exact thing with ds, someone called me fat (which is correct) in his earshot. He thought it was wrong but no one called it out so he wasn’t sure. He said it to me to “test” it out as it were. Little people learning social norms. Tall is ok, thin is ok, etc with other adults.
It’s the getting instantly upset that makes me think.
Anyway she wouldn’t be upset if she was trying to hurt you.

I think this is what I’m worried about, her father (who she’d just come back from seeing) used to call me names.
She was looking at me for my response.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 18/11/2018 19:00

So sorry, OP. It sounds like she really didn't mean to upset you, but then again, it was the truth. If she is sporty and aware of healthy eating and healthy living issues, maybe she's worried about you and didn't know how to raise the subject. You need to have a good, calm, honest talk with her, let her know you won't be cross if she says what she really feels. Would you be up for starting a healthy eating plan, the two of you supporting each other? Going for walks together, that sort of thing?

vdbfamily · 18/11/2018 19:01

My 15 year old called me fat today. I am fat. I explained that it is rude and she tried to argue that it cannot be rude if it is true. I disputed this with examples of truths that are unkind and explained that to tell someone they are overweight and that this gives you concerns about their health is a good way to discuss it but to say to someone 'you are fat' is impolite!

Strongmummy · 18/11/2018 19:01

Well if you’re fat then she is just saying what she sees. The reason why she’s so upset is because you’re obviously unhappy with your weight and so her comment upset you. She’s reacting to the fact that she hurt you. She didn’t set out to hurt you however. Reassure her that you’re ok. Let her know you know she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 18/11/2018 19:02

I really wouldn’t recommend full honesty to the extent of telling her that you overeat when she’s gone to bed because you’re lonely as a pp suggested Shock That would be far too much to put on a 7yr old.

Elfinablender · 18/11/2018 19:02

Poor girl.

Flashingbeacon · 18/11/2018 19:02

Yeah. Grown ups are great. Then it’s a case of explaining while it may be true it’s not a kind thing to say and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Telling you what you already know.
Was also a good talking point because ds has some obvious physical differences and I wanted him to know that “it’s the truth” doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful.

pickingdaisies · 18/11/2018 19:04

Ah, cross post, OP. Your ex's influence puts a different spin on it. The rest of my post still stands though.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 18/11/2018 19:04

Maybe she’s heard it in reference to you or maybe she’s heard it in another context and was just tying it out to see what happened.
Getting overtly upset and leaving her to cry wasn’t a nice way to deal with it. She’s 7 and still learning about what is socially acceptable.

fleetycar · 18/11/2018 19:07

Talk to her. My DD said I had a fat bum... I'm 8 stone. She meant it was bigger than hers, she's 6.
We used it as an opportunity to talk about how you don't talk about people, size, differences, or colour because it doesn't matter.

JaceLancs · 18/11/2018 19:07

My DM was fairly overweight when I was a child and I didn’t like it
I worried about her health
Knew she would rather be thinner (always struggling to feel attractive especially when clothes shopping etc)
I also worried about what my peers thought I wanted to be the one who’s parents were admired - shallow I know
DF was a very attractive strong sporty man and even though he was an older DF compared to my peers it didn’t matter because he’d run fast in the Dads race on sports day etc
You need to talk to her and find out if there’s anything else behind that comment - maybe she worries about you

Oblomov18 · 18/11/2018 19:08

You need to talk to her. About not saying hurtful things. Especially about appearance. Some People are fat, some women have thinning hair, some people have very big noses or whatever but you're not supposed to comment on these things and that's an important lesson that she needs to learn and that you need to teach her.

you need to have this conversation now.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2018 19:11

Perhaps it's time for changes. Being obese is a disaster for your health and future. Showing your children how to live healthfully is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

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