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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yr old DD called me fat

167 replies

DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 18:44

She’s a very mature girl and usually so empathetic. I’m heartbroken.

We were minding a relatives baby and he’s at that chubby newborn stage and DD was cooing all over him and said “you can be fat with mummy” then when I looked upset she just bawled crying saying she didn’t mean it. I’ve just come upstairs to get the baby ready and she’s wailing downstairs.

How do I react to this? I am fat but it has never impacted anything I do with her, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give her the best well rounded (excuse the pun) life. She’s involved in lots of sports and has no issue with weight. My food issue is loneliness when she’s in bed.

OP posts:
NoDancingPolicy · 18/11/2018 23:11

Nobody should tolerate being called fat by another adult. But this is a child who is still learning to navigate the balance between truth and what is socially acceptable. We hammer these kids with importance of telling the truth - but then get upset when they do! It's not easy for a young child to get right.

daisy877 · 18/11/2018 23:15

Does she need to be sorry ?
Yeah it might hurt your feelings someone saying it out loud but if you said yourself your fat then she's just stating to obvious and being honest :/

RebelWitchFace · 18/11/2018 23:17

@Aquamarine1029 actually I'm just overweight. Went down from obese. Grin

daisy877 · 18/11/2018 23:17

Just read the thread properly ...
I would be a lot more concerned about her dad encouraging her to work out after meals than over a fat comment.
Why are you not worried that he could be causing an eating disorder or body issues?

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 23:20

Why are you not worried that he could be causing an eating disorder or body issues?

Why would you assume that because I posted about one issue anonymously on here that I haven’t continuously tackled a separate issue?

OP posts:
daisy877 · 18/11/2018 23:22

You said up above on this thread that her dad encourages her to work out after meals?

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 23:22

Size 16 is obese not for everyone, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 23:23

And why do you assume I’m “not worried about that” daisy?

OP posts:
daisy877 · 18/11/2018 23:28

Size 16 deffinatley isn't obese it's actually only 1 size bigger than the average uk dress size. It's overweight not obese.

I'm just saying that would be a lot more of a bigger issue to me than a fat comment.

amusedbush · 18/11/2018 23:29

I agree with PP that her immediately bursting into tears sounds like she DOES know that it was rude and insulting. If she genuinely didn’t know that it was a horrible thing to say then she would have been confused, not wailing and crying. She is embarrassed.

I firmly told off a 6 year old who called me fat when I volunteered at Rainbows and Brownies. She knew exactly what she was saying, it was done with a nasty tone and sly smile. I told her off and she went in a huge huff. ‘Saying it like she sees’ just doesn’t fly when that type of blunt honest is rude and unnecessary.

People are fucking weird about fat on MN!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 18/11/2018 23:49

daisy877

Size 16 deffinatley isn't obese it's actually only 1 size bigger than the average uk dress size. It's overweight not obese.

The average woman in the UK is probably overweight so if you are bigger than average younare probably at least overweigt if not obese.You can be a size 16 and 4ft10 or a size 16 and 5ft 11. It's fairly obvious the shorter woman is going to have a much higher BMI. The OP could be slightly overweight or very obess, we dont know. Either way, " You don't say things like that it's very rude to comment on someone's appearance" would surely have sufficed. It all sounds very dramatic and I think DD will just have learnt to worry about her mums appearance because clearly from her reaction she knows her mum is worried.

AhoyDelBoy · 19/11/2018 05:17

Size 16 deffinatley isn't obese it's actually only 1 size bigger than the average uk dress size. It's overweight not obese.

Hmm
Pinkhorses · 19/11/2018 05:46

Sorry if this is off topic. I have been out of Britain for too long . Are people saying that the word ‘ fat’ shouldn’t be used to describe someone in a neutral way. Eg. “ Which man was it, the thin or the fat one?” I’ve always used it like that to indicate build but it sounds as if it’s offensive now.

larrygrylls · 19/11/2018 06:16

Fat is a description, not a moral judgment unless you choose to make it so.

What is wrong with her calling you fat if you are? She is your daughter, not a stranger.

Fat is a good old fashioned word with a specific meaning, unlike ‘large’ or some of the other words appropriated to avoid using it. It means having excess adipose tissue. It is not an insult.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 19/11/2018 06:43

All three of my kids have talked about my "fat belly" and "big bottom" when they've been little. DS2 still does. My BMI varies between 21 and 23, I have literally never been overweight. Children have small bodies, so they see fat where we see normality.

Try to deal with it as dispassionately as you can. You don't want her to get more upset than she is, but she needs to know she can't go around calling people fat, even if she hears her Dad doing that.

Pinkhorses · 19/11/2018 06:44

Larrygrylls That’s what I thought. My dad says things to my daughter like ‘ What do you think of my big fat tummy’ ‘ I’m a big fat grandad’
But maybe some overweight people have heard it as an insult so the word always feels like an insult. Some people don’t like being called skinny and some do.

HellenaHandbasket · 19/11/2018 06:52

That's the way I treat the word, but it would be disingenuous to suggest that that is how it is intended in wider society.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/11/2018 07:00

She is old enough to identify and state stuff
But also old enough to know she has hurt you

Diamondangel8 · 19/11/2018 07:30

did you go and give her a hug op? she knows she did wrong. or did you leave her to cry all night?

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2018 08:42

She said something horrible

I think this is the key issue. It's seen as one thing to be "fat" but it's horrible to say it, even non maliciously.

This child clearly wasn't trying to insult her mother. She wasn't being malicious.

Yet we are told, this occurred when they were both downstairs with a relatives baby, cooing over its chubbyness, the op then did nothing more than look upset, but the child is left bawling her eyes out and wailing downstairs, when the mother, the op,apparently had to go upstairs for the baby and decided to start mumsntting whilst listening to her child wailing.

So why is a child so distressed at nothing more than an upset look from her mother, why didn't thr op try to pacify her. Either something was said or done to her to make this little girl so distressed, or something is wrong in the dynamic.

That's really the bigger issue here. Not a daft foot in the mouth moment from a seven year old. Something is being left unsaid here. This child should never have been so distressed.

Octopus37 · 19/11/2018 18:24

If I had ever called my Mum fat as a 7 year old, I would have got in a hell of a lot of trouble. She struggled with her weight, but like you OP was around a size 16 most of the time, so yes overweightobese but not ridiculously so. Sometimes I think kids should realise they have done wrong and be upset, why are kids no longer allowed to feel upset if they have done or said something that they shouldn't, and for most kids crying is part of this. She didn't cry all night, you have talked to her and she will know to use a filter in future, which is surely no bad thing. Learning to have tact is a life skill, it doesn't mean dishonesty. All you did was look upset OP, you didn't shout and scream at her and wail yourself, so have nothing to feel bad about. When my kids tell me I am fat, I talk about different shapes and sizes, but to be honest I don't really like it, probably because I was brought up to believe that fat is really not a good thing. As for food and emotions, whilst I don't think you need to talk to your 7 year old about how you eat because you are lonely and bored, I think there are very few women who's eating isn't influenced by factors other than natural appetite. In other words you are not on your own.

amusedbush · 19/11/2018 22:35

I have been out of Britain for too long. Are people saying that the word ‘ fat’ shouldn’t be used to describe someone in a neutral way?

How long is ‘too long’? Because my mum is in her mid 50s and tells the story of when, as a child, she called my granny fat and my granny whipped around and smacked the back of her legs. I think it has always been insulting Hmm

(OBVIOUSLY not saying that this is the way to deal with it, that was decades ago!)

masterandmargarita · 19/11/2018 22:50

No it's definitely not the way to deal with it

twocats335 · 19/11/2018 23:06

Grip. Get one. She's 7 ffs

zingally · 20/11/2018 08:47

She was upset because she saw she'd upset you.

I'd have a very brief chat about how it's not really okay to make a comment about another persons body, unless they ask you to. Because people can find it upsetting, even if you didn't mean it to be hurtful.

Then drop it and move on. She's only 7 after all. 7 year olds say some dumb stuff all the time. And you are only upset because she accidentally picked at your sore spot. Would you have thought twice if she'd commented on your hair colour or your knobbly knees?

If it's still bothering you later, try and find some books about different bodies/looks etc. Or have a quiet word with her teacher (who, speaking as a teacher, are happy to do class sessions, addressing something that has come up in a home).

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