7yr old DD called me fat

[DDcalledMeFat]

She’s a very mature girl and usually so empathetic. I’m heartbroken.

We were minding a relatives baby and he’s at that chubby newborn stage and DD was cooing all over him and said “you can be fat with mummy” then when I looked upset she just bawled crying saying she didn’t mean it. I’ve just come upstairs to get the baby ready and she’s wailing downstairs.

How do I react to this? I am fat but it has never impacted anything I do with her, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give her the best well rounded (excuse the pun) life. She’s involved in lots of sports and has no issue with weight. My food issue is loneliness when she’s in bed.

Perhaps the child is worried her mum is going to end up in an early grave Hellena?

I know that's what I used to worry about WRT my mum smoking.

At 7, unless someone is feeding her (excuse the pun) things she is not likely to be worried that her size 16 mother is en route to an early grave. It is not comparable to smoking.

It is not comparable to smoking

As size 16 at an average women's height in the U.K. will be clinically obese for many women, and obesity is the second biggest cause of cancer, then it's fairly comparable.

How can the obesity problem be dealt with, when we are teaching children see it but do not say it. she has now learnt fat is shameful and if anyone ever needs to mention her weight to her in the future she will automatically assume they're trying to shame her.

@DDcalledMeFat Can I ask what was said in your chat? I have a child a similar age and am always interested in how to deal with these things.

@lilyheather1 thanks for that link, it's really helpful

Hellena, kids have it drummed into them at school that they need to eat healthily and exercise for their own health.

Of course she's going to know that being fat isn't healthy, so she could well be worried about her mum.

And it's completely comparable to smoking, because as I said... I was worried my mum was going to die early because of it.

You’re getting a bit of a bashing so getting defensive in return. Sounds like you had a panicky issue which you’ve now dealt with satisfactorily, and your DD is and will continue to be fine.

On the other issue: do try not to eat out of loneliness. I know - easy to say, nit so easy to stop. But if you’ve identified that this is your issue (presumably once DD is in bed and the evening is ahead of you), try to cultivate a different habit. Something that occupies your hands ideally. It’s hard to exercise at night (there are loads of things you can do at home), but anything like puzzles, knitting, crochet, painting, coloring, drawing - all these things with the TV on will keep your hands occupied. Typing, writing with a pen. It’s amazing what you can do with 1.5hrs per day, 5 or 6 nights a week. Let yourself have the odd night of ice cream in front of the TV. Make this one change and you may see others too.

It can be hard when you’ve had your confidence crushed. But you can get it back.

You looking upset = her bawling crying, leads me to believe there is a lot more to this!

If a 7yo can have such a reaction to "you looking upset" then you need to have a serious think about the dynamics of your relationship.

Size 16 IS fat. I am fat. Fat shaming is a shitty thing to do but can we please stop with making fat normal and no big deal? I might not have one foot in the grave yet, I might not be a size 36 , I might even look good. Other people being fatter doesn't make me any less fat.
It might be the average size in UK, it also doesn't mean it's not fat. FFS!

Why can't there be a happy medium of You're fat and that's ok if you're ok with it instead of "You're a horrible disgusting human being" OR "you're curvy luscious goddess " .
They're both shit,unrealistic and self serving.

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree, which is fine. My 8 yr old knows that she needs to eat well and move to keep her body strong and capable, but hasn't moved that thought past to thinking that me, at a size 16 is likely to wind up in an early grave. Because like anything, there is a spectrum. I can run around, eat my veg etc...I'm not unhealthy per se.

Of course obesity can lead to a lot of issues, but isn't as obviously or immediate as smoking to my mind so while I would expect my children to worry if I smoked, I would be very surprised if they worried about my size. Faux concern is actually just an opportunity to shame with a more acceptable face, for many.

But obviously we all base our opinions here on our experiences, maybe your kids have different thoughts on it, or have had it presented differently at school.

I agree Rebel, as I said earlier. I'm overweight, but quite happy with who I am however.

I'm not sure what you wanted from this thread, OP.

Your daughter thinks you're fat. She realises it's a hurtful thing to say, but it slipped out when she wasn't thinking, and she immediately regretted it.

She wasn't insulting you. She was saying what she really thinks.

Lol, my 4 year old has been calling me fat for aslong as she could talk. She has said stuff like you've got a big bum, your tummy wobbles like jelly, is there a baby in your tummy? Mummy, you can be the fat mister from the book 😳. She never says it out of malice she's just saying what she sees, I keep trying to say it's not kind to say things like that. Her tummy goes big when she has a lot to drink, she then says look at my fat tummy! I think you've been really harsh leaving your dd to cry.

Kids are kids. They have to learn social filters. It's the parents job to teach them the filters without making the kid feel bad for making a mistake.

Oblomov18 completely agree with you. She said something horrible, as it seems related to weight it’s fine, as it’s ‘just being honest’

I agree with Hellena. Kids are allowed to say how they feel? No.
Change the word fat to:
ugly/bad haircut/big ears, pointed nose, moustache on woman, wart on nose, and it's ok?
No. It's not.

yes it is to your own mum when you're just a kid. I've had all sorts said to me by mine. No offence taken.

Tbh it should be ok with their parents so they have a space to learn and navigate the idea of their dislikes,what is ok what isn't, how it can be hurtful to others and to judge people by their actions not how they look like. They can ask questions and make comments in a safe environment where learning can take place.
Because while they should know these things and they might be nice and kids and whatnot it doesn't mean that they'll never think something mean,or hear something they want to ask about or be confused by all the do's and don'ts.

But people's point isn't that it is to her mum, but that because she is fat she should be happy to be called fat.

He has also told me that I am fat, I am 8st13 at 5ft5 (have weighted a bit more), so am a healthy weight but a bit bigger than I want to because I lack control around food).

There is nothing wrong with your weight. Your BMI is 20.5. Please don’t give yourself any more issues about food than you already have.

@HellenaHandbasket there's a massive difference between happy and not heartbroken while her kid cries downstairs.
She doesn't have to do a happy dance swinging from the chandelier but it's not that big a deal either.

Always be honest with your parents,unless it's something they don't like.

I'm a fat grandma and DGS and I have talked about the difference between saying someone is fat as an insult and as a description. My point was that if he'd lost me and had to give a description of me it'd be daft not to include the fact that I'm (very) fat. But making fun of someone cos they're fat is mean.

How do you tackle books and people being described as fat in them. And then your kid goes ohh that's x because he's fat. Are they being horrible human beings? Should they gloss over it? Refuse to read the word because it's oh so offensive?

It true sweetheart, I am overweight but it has never impacted anything I do with you, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give you the best well rounded life I can. You are involved in lots of sports and have no issue with weight - in fact you are beautiful. Mums food issue are because I get lonely and a bit bored when you are in bed and then probably eat too much."

I dunno, I just wouldn’t say this to a 7 yo 🤷🏼‍♀️ Off to RTFT now.

Size 16 is obese. No lie you tell yourself can get around the truth.