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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yr old DD called me fat

167 replies

DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 18:44

She’s a very mature girl and usually so empathetic. I’m heartbroken.

We were minding a relatives baby and he’s at that chubby newborn stage and DD was cooing all over him and said “you can be fat with mummy” then when I looked upset she just bawled crying saying she didn’t mean it. I’ve just come upstairs to get the baby ready and she’s wailing downstairs.

How do I react to this? I am fat but it has never impacted anything I do with her, we’re really active and as a single parent I strive to give her the best well rounded (excuse the pun) life. She’s involved in lots of sports and has no issue with weight. My food issue is loneliness when she’s in bed.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 18/11/2018 19:51

There’s too much emotion around it
No one needs to feel shame, that is an emotional children (and adults) usually really dislike

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 18/11/2018 19:52

Bloody kid. I know what I would do - tell her not to be so rude.

LilMy33 · 18/11/2018 19:52

There’s a bit of overreacting on this thread. I would tell her that what she said hurt your feelings a bit as it’s very rude to call someone fat (which it is whether it’s true or not), accept the apology which I imagine will be heartfelt and have a cuddle. No harm done. Do you think it hurt your feelings more because her dad has been such a git to you?

ReflectionsofParadise · 18/11/2018 19:53

OP is a size 16. She is not a size 26 FGS.

Unless OP is also 4ft 11, then I'd be more concerned about the fact ExH encourages a 7yr old to 'workout' after a meal.

That's what will cause the poor girl to have issues with food FFS.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2018 19:53

Are you usually a bit of a drama queen op? Your whole op, about her bawling her eyes out, being left crying as you go upstairs, you being heartbroken, posting because you don't know how to deal with it, is all a bit over the top.

You are overweight. Your child commented on it. Is it better she doesn't mention it and just learns to lie to you? Is this what you wish to teach her?

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 19:53

*DO NOT tel your child that you over eat because you are lonely

As a PP Said....

Why would you say that to a 7 year old
Ffs!!!*

I wouldn’t and didn’t.

So much hysteria.

OP posts:
Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 19:54

Are you usually a bit of a drama queen op? Your whole op, about her bawling her eyes out, being left crying as you go upstairs, you being heartbroken, posting because you don't know how to deal with it, is all a bit over the top.

100%, I’m a narcissist too

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 18/11/2018 19:54

The whole thing is dramatic, not the posts on here

LilMy33 · 18/11/2018 19:54

Excuse my use of the word heartbroken. My heart wasn’t literally broken and I wasn’t a wreck. My mistake for misusing the word-apologies you were upset OP it’s fine to not be an emotionless robot. How are children going to learn that their words or actions can hurt sometimes unless they see that happen every now and then?

NerrSnerr · 18/11/2018 19:55

So much hysteria.

To be fair OP you said you were heartbroken because of an innocent and factual comment your daughter made so you set the tone.

museumum · 18/11/2018 19:55

I used to think my mum was fat when I was young. She was a size 10. It was just that her belly and thighs were soft and jiggly (she was 40) and I thought that was fat rather than post pregnancy skin and lack of muscle. I never said it to her but maybe that’s more cause we didn’t talk much.

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2018 20:02

I think op if we are a bit confused by what you're posting, from the immediate drama, to the dripping sarcasm, the thing to take away is how is your child interpreting this. She was crying for a reason. If you'd immediately said, yes sweet heart but we don't really point that out to people, they know and they don't like it to be said, but you can be honest with me, she wouldn't have been crying.

Instead you were upstairs whilst she cried, posting on mumsnet...

RebelWitchFace · 18/11/2018 20:03

Dd called me fat. I am fat. It doesn't bother me because she's right and it's a statement just like i have brown eyes,black,freckles. However we talked about how other people can be really upset by it ,it can hurt their feelings and it's not nice. She decided herself to never use it in reference to me either. No one cried or was heartbroken.

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2018 20:06

She's of an age now where she's probably learned that being fat isn't healthy.

This could be her way of letting you know she's worried about you maybe?

I used to hint to my mum in all manner of ways that I was worried smoking would kill her.

I had to hint because she got very defensive if anyone actually spoke to her directly about it.

SumAndSubstance · 18/11/2018 20:21

My 6yo DS called me fat recently. I am a bit, about as fat as you, OP, by the sounds of it. He said it purely as an observation though and we had a bit of a chat about how yes, I am a bit fat, I put weight on when I was pregnant recently. No harm done. The fact that your DD burst into tears does sound like maybe she was trying out the insult, if you see what I mean, to see how you would react. I wonder if her dad's influence is at play here. I agree with the poster who said that teaching a 7yo to work out after meals is a far more sinister influence than having a mother who's a bit overweight. I hope your chat resolved matters anyway, OP!

cushioncuddle · 18/11/2018 20:28

Why was it bad for her to say what she did. She actually said it in a nice way.
She used it as a description not an insult. It's what you are. It's not negative it's factual. She thought the baby was beautiful and chubby and to her youth she compared you to something lovely.

cushioncuddle · 18/11/2018 20:29

Because of her youth I meant to say

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 20:32

She’s not 3, she didn’t need a sickly “oh my sweet, we don’t say things like that to people”
She’s a mature, usually respectful and clued in kid who knows it’s not acceptable to comment on people’s appearance.

I don’t prescribe to this “say what you see” school some of you do. I don’t chuckle at little kids making “hilarious” blunders about people’s size, disabilities, scars, facial disfigurements etc and I would be “heartbroken” if my usually lovely empathetic DD suddenly decided this was ok. I’d be shocked and wonder wtf had happened to make her think this is suddenly acceptable.

I’m the same size as about half our neighbors and school mums so is it acceptable for her to say that to them too? As she’s “telling it like it is”

Fat on MN is like a red flag to a bull for some of you.

OP posts:
masterandmargarita · 18/11/2018 20:40

She's not saying to strangers or neighbours. She's saying it to you. My kids have said all sorts of things to me over the years which they don't say to strangers. Thats how your daughter sees you. That's not wrong. If it hurts, change it. I wouldn't have taken such offence.

Abagisforlifenotjustfor · 18/11/2018 20:42

Why can't you explain to her that overeating is something you do because you feel lonely!? It teaches her that overeating is not a "good" habit but that it's something you do as an emotional response. 7yr olds understand about being sad or down - if you tackle it well it's a good opportunity to talk about healthy emotional habits as well as physical health.

So many people scared to be honest with their children. It's just sad and building up issues for later in life. We all get down, and some people overeat - why can't you talk about this with your own child? Hmm

Anyway, that how I roll with my kids - they are very well balanced (and happy!) and not at all emotionally scarred

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 20:42

Why do you feel you deserve less respect than a stranger?

OP posts:
RebelWitchFace · 18/11/2018 20:43

What did she need then? A good cry on her own?

Bluntness100 · 18/11/2018 20:46

She’s a mature, usually respectful and clued in kid who knows it’s not acceptable to comment on people’s appearance

Yet, there she was, bawling her eyeballs out, as you sat upstairs listening to her and posting on mumsnet,

And commenting you are fat is hardly the same as commenting on a strangers disability or facial disfigurement.

Seriously, stop with th hyperbole. And I bet you're ok with her commenting on your appearance if she says you look good.

pickingdaisies · 18/11/2018 20:46

People can only go by what you tell them. What do you want us to say? You've not responded to the people trying to help. Being fat (you said it first so don't get defensive) IS a long-term health problem. If you don't want to deal with it, fine. Hope you and your daughter have sorted this out, and your ex isn't having a dig. But being able to discuss her fears with you, is not the same as calling other people fat. You know this.

Original poster
DDcalledMeFat · 18/11/2018 20:48

Abagisforlifenotjustfor

I wouldn’t want her feeling responsible and not wanting to go to her dads, out with friends etc as a result.
We do and did talk about it though and it’s all good, you can relax on the “why can’t you talk to your own kid!?Hmm” business.

I posted heat of the moment for opinions but jeez you lot are hard aul work 🙈

OP posts: