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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

435 replies

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:52

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/11/2018 20:03

I'm actually feeling a bit twitchy that the op might be my MIL and the object of her ire might be my SIL (although my MIL is not online as far as I know, and my SIL's dc are grown up).

My MIL is salt of the earth, a truly good person who tries to help others and is always on the go. Everyone who knows her will tell you what a good person she is, while making sure they are too 'busy' to get roped into more than the occasional activity. She is like a dynamo, always organising people and things. She also doesn't have a great deal of self-awareness and NEVER stops talking. She fries my brain. She has no concept that she is an extreme extrovert or that introverts even exist. I don't think that she really understands that other people aren't just extensions of herself, she makes a plan (for a holiday, which church service to attend, how much is the right amount to give to charity) and tells you your part in her plan.

She is also MIL to my SIL (we are married to brothers). I am very fortunate that I live thousands of miles away but my SIL lives a 5 minute drive away from her. My SIL loves and respects her, and does so much for her and with her, but there is no limit. It never, ever crosses my MIL's mind that SIL is an independent person who has her own things to do, her own friends and family to meet up with. Sometimes my SIL just can't bring herself to answer the phone when MIL rings.

Kate1556 · 19/11/2018 20:27

Why would it be considered rude? She doesn’t owe you an explanation.

PotteryLottery · 19/11/2018 20:34

I'd say plans if it someone I didn't know well. More detail if they knew a lot about my life.

urkidding · 19/11/2018 20:42

Not everyone needs to be with other people, a lot of us are introverts who like being with our immediate family and don't want to be with a group of people.
If you say I plan to meet a friend for lunch, or take a child to the playground or just do nothing, the extroverts believe you should be pushed into socialising with a larger group, a LOT of us don't want to, and don't want to have to justify our quiet time! And then the pushy extroverts try to make us justify our choices if you tell them! As far as I'm concerned, its a pleasant answer which puts an end to stupid questioning. Another answer would be 'Much as I like you lot, I DON'T WANT TO!'

mcmooberry · 19/11/2018 20:50

Just back from work and haven't RTFT but this expression drives me mad too!! I have been subjected to it and find it secretive and SO annoying!! Would never use it in a gazillion years - I think saying something like "Sorry can't make it, have already made an arrangement that I can't get out of" is also vague but seems much less rude somehow,
OP is NBU!!

CoughLaughFart · 19/11/2018 21:06

*Can’t be bothered to RTFT to work out why this thread has taken off

Could someone please briefly summarise?!*

Seriously? Go mad and actually read it! You sound ridiculous.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/11/2018 21:14

Yep. Sounds smug to me.
" plans" sound like they have put thought into what they are doing. But the fact they won't share then makes it sound a bit exclusionary.

What's wrong with "sorry we're busy". That covers everything from shopping, to watching the kids to having a day out. The fact you haven't shared means it's too boring to go into.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2018 21:21

Why don't you just take the hint and leave the poor woman the fuck alone?

Kathandkim1 · 19/11/2018 21:23

Not wanting to spend weekends as well as weekdays with you doesn't make her braggy. Comments about her wanting her weekends to be about her little family just make you sound bitter and jealous. And just because there are things you could easily do as families together doesn't mean she wants to. Sounds like 'we have plans' is a nice way of saying she doesn't want to spend time with you every day.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/11/2018 22:13

"We have plans" is what I say when I don't want to see somebody.

flyingspaghettimonster · 19/11/2018 23:21

I might really like a person, but still have zero desire to socialize. I am introverted and not a fan at all of making and keeping plans. I'm always relieved when something falls through. For example, I love my neighbours dearly, but I am exhausted that they invite me over for tea almost every day. I want to just say "I don't want to socialize" without being rude, but people take it personally when you tell them you just feel like being alone rather than being with them. So "We have plans" is supposed to save your feelings without meaning she doesn't like you. I go out more often than I want to just to make sure they know it isn't personal...

Bluehues · 20/11/2018 01:02

If I felt this way about a friend wanting to hang out with her family and not mine as well, I would question why I’m not the Sam? Why I’m not happy enough doing stuff with my own family without anyone else’s involvement??

Btw I’ve never felt like that YABU

halfwitpicker · 20/11/2018 01:14

Don't the Chinese do this?

It's like an unwritten code, if you don't want to do something, you just say 'I have something else ' and no-one questions you further.

m0therofdragons · 20/11/2018 02:19

I have 3 dc. Do you really want me to list our activities because it's often reads like this:

Take cat to vets for vaccinations
10am opticians appointment
Taking dd1 to party
Fixing dd2's bike and taking dd2&3 out on bikes
Collecting dd1 from party
Finishing homework
Cutting the grass

We have plans is a bit easier in a text message.

strawberrisc · 20/11/2018 03:15

I was going to reply OP but I’m busy doing something vague.

Itsnotme123 · 20/11/2018 05:49

Ariadne haaahaa that’s classic.
I’d say “be lovely to do something together this weekend, but unfortunately I have other plans” say it often to her !

Snog · 20/11/2018 07:35

"Sorry, we are busy" is ok in my book whereas "we have plans" is quite laa-di-da.

I would leave it at that for "we are busy" but would follow up with "what are you up to?" for "we have plans!"

MaisyPops · 20/11/2018 07:41

Snog
That's a fair point actually. I'd tend to say 'sorry can't do Saturday as were booked up /busy' and that's the sort of thing our friends say to.
Usually the reply is 'no worries anything interesting?'
And then the replies are 'nah, lots of stupid little errands / got to get the house sorted/ yes we are seeing friends from uni / fanily are coming round later so I actually need to have some food in / off out to...'
Obviously you don't share everything. No one wants a list of how you've got to get your wax and put a cleaning solution through the washing machine.

If someone was always vague then I'd find it a bit weird.

Claudia1980 · 20/11/2018 08:07

Sorry I think it’s very rude not to say what your actual plans are. Saying “we have plans” just sounds like a lame excuse because you can’t be bothered going.

SoyDora · 20/11/2018 08:17

Claudia1980 why is it rude to not tell people what their plans are?! Should everyone’s life be a completely open book, with no privacy at all? What if my plans are an all day sex session? A medical appointment? Helping a family member with something personal?

KristinaM · 20/11/2018 08:18

People don’t say what their plans are because rude people pass judgement and sometimes comment on them.

“ We are going to the opera “.
Oh get you, you are so stuck up , what a show off.

“ Actually I help at a homeless shelter on Friday nights “.
Oh get you with your virtue signalling, thinking you are better than everyone else

“ I go to a gardening / model railway clubs on Fridays “ .
What, are you 70? Your life is so boring, you saddo.

“ I’m staying in and shagging my husband / washcing Netflix / playing monopoly with my kids “
Oh get you , it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

stegosauruslady · 20/11/2018 08:18

Hmm. Sometimes people don't want to hang out with you on a particular occasion, but still like you. I think this phrase works beautifully instead of...'sorry, but I'm actually planning on spending the morning shagging DP, then napping, then playing video games in my pants until I go to bed'.

MaryJenson · 20/11/2018 08:22

I hate doing things with other families.

She’s trying to tell you this and doesn’t need to give a reason as there probably isn’t one. You keep asking and she keeps giving you the same reply.
If she told you why you would probably come up with some idea about doing it with them.

greenlynx · 20/11/2018 08:24

I used to say what’re my plans but then it looked offensive that I preferred shopping for child’s boots to socialising. I actually lost connection with one group of mums because of this. So now I’m just saying that sorry we’re busy, we have plans or we have something already this weekend without going into details.

TibetanMountains · 20/11/2018 08:24

I totally get why people are reluctant to detail their plans. I have a certain friend who is a massive extrovert and can be very pushy. I will get asked what my plans are - and if I am honest she will find 'free spots' - which she will then try and push me to join what her and her family are doing.

Either that or she will try and rearrange my existing plans so it fits in with what they are doing. For example, I will say we are going for a hike. She will then say - why don't you come over to ours, we were planning on going to blah blah blah and then we can meet up with such and such for lunch. I don't have kids and I think there is an assumption on her part that this means I am free and easy to fit in with whatever her plans are.

Totally different and much more complicated than my original plan of ambling off with the dog in my own time.

She means well but it is exhausting. Plans we do make are routinely changed to something far more complicated than envisioned. Just this week a casual 'catch up' dinner has been changed into a large group event with a lot of people I don't know.

People's spare time is very precious. They want to make their own plans. She may be worried if she tells you - you will subtlety try and change it.