"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

I love family time at the weekend, plus some time to myself if I can manage it, after being amongst work colleagues etc all week, and getting very little family time. It would drive me insane if I had a friend or family member who often suggested joining us every time I said what we were doing. I'd definitely resort to having vague "plans" in the hope they'd get the message. Nothing smug about it.

I really struggle to see why this infuriates you so much OP. Go find out for yourself what events are on that your DC might like - it's not difficult!

Yab grossly u.

I say this because saying " we're going to spend the day picking a shed in b and q before the old on falls down " is so very painfully boring. Even for me.

Or maybe they just don't want to spend the weekend with you. That's allowed.

Ah from your latest update OP, I would guess she is happy to tell you about the events afterwards as there is no danger of you wanting to come along. Why do you think she should tell you about things your DS would like - does she have access to an events listing that you don't or something?

But if she’d said about the event you could have taken your ds to, you would have been there at the same time and maybe they just wanted to pay attention to their ds which I think is a valid thing.

BUT if you genuinely believe she doesn’t tell you about stuff because she wants to brag that you’ve missed something that’s not nice.

Overall it sounds like she annoys you so why see her so much? Go out with someone more sociable like you!

I don't think you should see it as if she doesn't like you or a rejection. She is family and sees you during the week. At the weekend she wants just one-on-one time with her immediate family/child.

I think you need to accept your personality differences and find alternative plans at the weekend.

Why would anyone brag (humble or not) about going to a garden centre?

OP's interpretation is mind boggling yes

I cross the road and walk 2 miles out of my way to avoid walking past people like you. Pushy, opinionated, controlling, snide, and judgemental. Not a great mix, and it's hardly surprising people don't want to spend time with you. Especially with the vitriolic remarks you have made about people wanting to spend time with their family! I mean God forbid people want to be with their OWN family!

Do you understand even the most basic concept of irony?

And often it is something that they know could have interested my DS who is the same age as their DS. A garden centre seasonal event for example where we could go along and not even see them or go another day to the event.

Its not her job to organise your family social callander.

If you want to take your ds to things its up to you to organise it not her.

She wants to spend time with her family and not have to.tell everyone what she is doing which is her right.
You dont have the right to expect her to tell you.everything she is doing at the weekend just in case you want to go to. And then she feels obliged to spend time with you when she only wants to spend time with her own.family.
Why do you think you have the right to the agenda for her weekend?

@@IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere you've changed the context in last updates of your smug comment about her ( aftersmuggery ), very different to your OP & first update.

But you still indicate you're angling to turn up at some of the same events. If she wanted to tell you, she would!

I think that @RibbonAurora and @Laiste both made excellent summaries of what you can't see in all of this, of how you are coming across. As do other PPs.

Whether you intend to or not, you're THE family member likely indicating they may engineer a bump into her family with yours, and may use it as an opening to tag along "for the boys' (same aged DS's) or to suggest meeting up later. Maybe she just doesn't want that and can't say without offending you.

And FWIW if you keep saying 'oh you're not doing anything too, so pop round if you're free' and they haven't taken you up on it, they just don't want to! So by the third time you've said that, she might have become fed up of feeling beholden or rude for not 'popping round', hence using a more vague ' sorry we've plans' instead... To not be rude!! (Why not leave an open invitation for her to text you if they ever find themselves at loose end to see if you're all at one too ?).

You asked at start AIBU?. Majority PPs have said "Yes OP YABU". Even after your latest updates changed context, MNers are saying Y(Probably)ABU with the sense of underlying expectations that comes across.

Maybe it's how you are phrasing it and you're not pushy in RL, but it is worth reflecting on responses of MNers. And instead find other family/ies of similar aged DS who do want to share event news with you and to sometimes hang out with your families together at the weekend. And go to cool events you've found!

If your relative really is saying 'we've got plans' as part of a cunning plan to 'aftersmug' you as you've interpreted it, maybe be less forthcoming about your plans and she'll be asking you more ahead of time, once hearing about the fab time you had with your buddies!! Then you can 'sorry we've got plans' her back if you like. Or your relationship will be more even.

I'm enjoying reading people's replies. I am refraining from 'explaining myself' further as people just find more to pick at and make assumptions about I.e. that she works, that her partner doesn't like me, that she doesn't like my DC, that I expect her to sort my social calendar (seriously?!!!), that it's only me that ever arranges anything with her and she doesn't make arrangements with me etc.

People saying I am pushy! I don't even ask what people's plan are in case they THINK I am angling for an invite! Its the sort of think I overthink and get paranoid about! I never invite myself along to things or try convince people to change their plans to accommodate me!

Someone hit the nail in the head, it's like me and my family are good enough in the week to join her for the mundane things, play centres, popping to shops etc. But come the bigger days out where she may go on a weekend or I may invite her along with us (SOMETIMES as obviously I enjoy free time and family time too!) it's like we are not good enough to share her time with DC and DH. She is quite a controlling character and I 100% believe her DH (as I know how very well) would be more sociable but is told how things will be.

And once again this is just a character floor of someone Indo care about which is probably why I feel snubbed and hurt. Not intending to dripfeed and not trying to change the situation, it is what it is.

*character FLAW

OP you are literally INCREDULOUS

@BumbleBeee69

Looks your phone accidentally auto-corrected there from incredible
Shucks! You make me blush

I use this all the time. If my husband has the day off work for example, we probably don’t have any specific plans and if we do it will likely involve B&Q or the garden centre and an afternoon family nap, but I like him more than I like anyone else (I married him after all!) and would rather just hang out with him and our son tbh.

Yeah, I’m a ‘my little family’ wanker. 🤷‍♀️

@IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere
We cross posted (it took me 15 minutes to type out my long post! )

But if you think it's uneven, then do the same to her and don't share the lovely things you found out about, if she doesn't!

And my reply would still be the same "Yes and...?"
I.e. "So what if she doesn't want to hang out with you at the weekend but prefers to see you midweek?"

That doesn't have to mean you're not "good enough to see at weekend" but that she has different priorities than you !
She's allowed to have those. And she's making it blatantly obvious.

It really shouldn't bother you as much as it does. They aren't you're only friends/family!

Her DH is perfectly capable (he's an adult and has a phone) of arranging to see you if he wants with his DS. If he decides to go along with his DW making all his plans for the weekends, then that's really his call. (Unless she locks him in the dungeon without mobile signal .)

your not you're (sigh)

It's like me and my family are good enough in the week to join her for the mundane things, play centres, popping to shops etc. But come the bigger days out where she may go on a weekend or I may invite her along with us (SOMETIMES as obviously I enjoy free time and family time too!) it's like we are not good enough to share her time with DC and DH.

But she spends time during the week with you she doesnt have to spend weekends with you too. Its just life it doesn't mean.she is using you. Just she doesnt want to spend every spare day with you.

Weekends are family time in.my house. I would hate if someone was forever bugging me to 'do things together' at the weekend.

She likes time with you in the week and wants family time at the weekends.

She’s fine. You need to unpick this.

It's a character flaw that she doesn't want to spend her weekend with you 😂😂😂

How is not wanting to spend her weekends with you a character flaw?! She sees you during the week. She wants to spend her weekends with her family. You really need to let this go!

it's like me and my family are good enough in the week to join her for the mundane things, play centres, popping to shops etc. But come the bigger days out where she may go on a weekend or I may invite her along with us, it's like we are not good enough to share her time with DC and DH.

So she's happy to go to play centres and shopping with you, but she prefers to spend weekends with her family. So?

You're the one who sounds controlling, to be honest. She doesn't want to be as close to you as you seem to want to be close to her. Get over it.

You want her to spend every waking moment with you OP?! Jesus, you just sound more delightful with every post

Is she your Sister-in-law or your sister?

It sounds as if there is a lot more to this than her just wanting to keep the weekends immediate family only.