"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her family. Maybe she doesn't like your kids that much and doesn't want her kids hanging around with your kids? Or maybe she's just really disorganised and knows she has plans but can't think what they are!

Not wanting to spend weekends with you is not a 'character flaw'. Its an adult prioritising her family over what you want her to do.

Why does she owe you an explanation as to why she is unable to socialise with you?

It sounds as though you think any plans she has can no way be as important as anything you might be doing, or maybe you just think that you are so important you are entitled to know everything that is going on in her life.

But whatever the answer YABVU.

Her explanation is perfectly acceptable and polite, she does not owe you any further explanation of her plans, she’s not being ‘secretive’ ‘bragging’ and she doesn’t have a ‘character flaw’ because she doesn’t want to tell you her plans.

Maybe leave the poor woman and her family alone to spend their weekends however the hell they like and stop being so pushy and nosy.

I guess she is your SIL.
You asked “why the secrecy “ and then answered yourself that it’s because this person doesn’t want to socialise with your family and doesn’t like you. So what’s your question? Is it ok that some of your relatives don’t like you? Well, it’s happens. I don’t like quite a few of mine. It’s always trickier with relatives than with friends as we don’t choose them.
PPs told you that her answer is ok and that people often prefer to go to events with their own family or with particular friends/ relatives. I’m sure there is someone who would love to spend weekends with you but you are not excited about this idea.

A character flaw? Hahahahaha.

YABU. Obviously.

Agree with the poster who said privacy isn't the same as secrecy. People aren't obliged to tell you what they are doing that day.

Clearly she isn't doing anything amazing and is probably just hanging out at home with her family. It's just a polite way of saying she doesn't want to hang out with you that's all.

By saying she has plans means you can't invite yourself over or turn up uninvited at her door.

I used "I'm sorry I already plans" over the weekend to two people (admittedly they were both inviting me to the same event). Sometimes it's all that works.

Agree with OP. This is the "turn of phrase" you use with someone you are not close to. To say that to a relative or close friend weirdly secretive or distant. I have a friend who does the same. Don't like it. Even saying " Weekends are a difficult for me" or "I am busy" sounds better than saying I've got plans. By the way I am one those people that usually reserve weekends for the family. But I just say that.

I don't see the big deal, "Sorry we have plans" = I don't want to meet up and do whatever you just suggested.

The best plans are the cunning ones

You sound very pushy. She’s telling you politely that she’s not free. Why should she tell you what her plans are? It’s none of your business.

I have friends who I enjoy seeing as girl friends during the week or with our children. But I am loathe to make my husband spend time with my friend and her partner at the weekend. My husband has lots of friends. He doesn't need new ones. I suspect this friend is protecting her husband from spending weekends with people he doesn't really know. Doesn't mean she doesn't see you as a good friend though.

Why do you feel entitled to know her business? And what's wrong with prioritising spending time as a family at the weekend? Lots of parents feel like they barely see their kids during the week and want to enjoy being with them at the weekend. Nothing wrong with that, and it sounds to me like you should take the hint and stop asking.

I have a friend who does this when she is meeting up with other friends, i’m not offended but I am intrigued to know who she is meeting, I mean why can’t she even give a little detail like i’m meeting a friend from work or i’m meeting my old friend so & so just to satisfy my curiousity dammit!

When I started to tell people exactly why we couldn't do things An gave a list of what I was doing my freind said she didn't want a list of my social obligations 🙈 I just say sorry can't make that date

I say it often. I don’t want people thinking I’m bragging if I say I’m going out for dinner or lunch or if I’m going to the theatre etc. I also don’t want people know all my personal business if I’m going to the doctors or solicitors or hospital or bank etc.

“I’m sorry I have plans” is a perfectly polite response. I say it plenty and hear it plenty.

Wow, you’re so rude, entitled and nosey.

I use this phrase all the time. I’m not a snob. I just have plans - I don’t have to share with other people.

Sometimes my plans include chilling at home! Plans aren’t always glamorous.

She doesn’t HAVE to do things with you. Her family don’t HAVE to do things with your family. Perhaps she really likes you but a family member isn’t so keen on someone else.

Ultimately - nothing wrong with the phrase and I can not understand how anyone takes offence to it 🤣

YABU

I think she doesn’t want to spend time with you for whatever reason and doesn’t even want to discuss spending time with you at an alternative time so she is using this expression to close the conversation down hoping you will take the hint by her polite rebuff.

My SIL did this to me twice I didn’t ask again I took the hint. She works full time in a very important role often working away from home so she only ever commits to carefully selected things she really wants to do. I only work part time and was trying to be friendly but it obviously wasn’t reciprocated.
Spend time with people who want to spend time with you OP and try to forget the ones who don’t.
I think she maybe also thinks she’s better than you.

YANBU. It’s all in the tone. I have certainly uttered the phrase, but (I hope) in a way that was not secretive or smug. On the other hand, my SIL used to do this - would explain her school-aged daughter could not come along to X meet up or event because “she has plans.” It was never said in a non-chalant way, but always with a really defensive smugness. And then she would ALWAYS add, “She’s very fortunate like that.” Utterly cringeworthy. I stopped trying to get the families together after a while, and then we stopped seeing her and her family altogether, and are much happier for it. (Obviously this was not the only issue - far from it.)

Actually i think it is a dismissive rude thing to say
I don’t like it when Freinds say this
I have stopped bothering with Freinds who say this

Am working flat out , have a family party , sports matches etc is better
Pop by for a cuppa if you able though

Accompanied by “ would love to get together though , can you do any of the following dates “

Its an excuse I use when I don't want to spend time with someone. Not a brag at all; more of a gentle snub.

Can’t be bothered to RTFT to work out why this thread has taken off

Could someone please briefly summarise?!