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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sorry, we have plans today" - the most secretive, worst humble-brag snub

435 replies

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:52

I have a family member who says this when she is not free. Always.

I always think it's said in a way as if they are better than us! Also, why the secrecy? Just say what you are doing!

I get it as an occasional turn of phrase when pushed for time but used regularly it's comes across really stuck up.

The type of person who is using this is always reluctant to do things with friends with her partner, often without partner but at weekends it's all about 'my little family' and meeting up with other families is a no-no.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 19/11/2018 18:36

Your taking a perfectly polite phrase and turning it into a drama.

Bonkers. Just plain bonkers.

I bet if she told you her plans you'd be equally offended that she didn't fit you in somehow.

Stop trying so hard to be offended.

OffToBedhampton · 19/11/2018 18:36

@IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere is getting a hard time and yes SWBU, not intentionally, but she's also interpreting her relative' s comments and behaviours in a way that is upsetting to her and her confusion at that is quite real.

I want to reiterate that it's ok having seen others comments now to test that out and step back a bit as OP sounds very generous with her offers/invites and in sharing events she's found out about.

If your relative really is saying 'we've got plans' as part of a cunning plan to 'aftersmug' you as you've interpreted it, maybe be less forthcoming about your plans and she'll be asking you more ahead of time, once hearing about the fab time you had with your buddies

and @Amazonian27 's comment

Spend time with people who want to spend time with you OP and try to forget the ones who don’t.

And I think Amazonian's description of efforts to be what she saw as inclusive kind & welcoming to her own SIL (& family) but ultimately feeling rebuffed by said SIL, is something that maybe OP will relate to.

I don't believe for a second that OP has done anything she has to come across as pushy and it's accidentally headed that way because she stopped seeing the bigger picture (wood for the trees) by continuing what she thought was being kind and sharing.

TLou88 · 19/11/2018 18:38

😂😂 OP is butthurt that a friend she sees in the week doesn’t want to see her at the weekend. OP doesn’t quite grasp why 90% of replies are not in her favour.

Katherine2626 · 19/11/2018 18:58

I can't see anything wrong with this response; if I have other plans then that is how it is. To feel that you must explain exactly what you are doing implies that the other person thinks you are lying unless you come up with a minute by minute itinerary of your other arrangements. Among my friends we can just say to each other that we can't make a particular social thing, and it is accepted without question . Maybe sometimes one of us doesn't want to do what is proposed, or is too tired, but why do they have to explain? What happens then - does someone get offended because you are too tired to go out with them, or just don't want to participate?

Sb74 · 19/11/2018 19:01

To be honest we prefer to do things as our little family at weekends. We do get together with wider family sometimes at weekends and occasionally friends but we don’t socialise that much. I see friends on my own in the week mainly. I don’t see what the problem is. We work hard all week and just want to relax with our family at weekends. It’s our choice how we spend our weekend. As others have said saying they have plans just means they don’t want to socialise. I don’t think it’s snobby. You would rather them be honest that they just want to be on their own with their kids?

belinda789 · 19/11/2018 19:02

No. You can't come round on Sunday.
On Sundays we usually lie in bed all day throwing empty gin bottles at the rats..……….

greeneyedlulu · 19/11/2018 19:03

I think you're being a tad mean! I love spending time with just my family sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that

greeneyedlulu · 19/11/2018 19:07

belinda789 GrinGrin
Love it!

MadCow999 · 19/11/2018 19:15

I’d be inclined to say what ‘I am doing’ without giving an invitation. This way there’s no rejection and the other party may have a FOMO moment and ask to join in

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 19/11/2018 19:16

There was a time in the not too distant past that most people wouldn't have dreamed of expecting others to explain themselves and would have thought it rude to pry. I think social media has changed this. Lots of people are used to knowing so much about others thanks to the amount of shite posted on FB that it's reached a point where it's now considered rude and even secretive to not share every detail of your life. It's nuts!

While the majority here disagree with Op I think half of us are probably showing our age really and that in the fairly near future, we'll be in the minority. This is what comes of people telling the whole world what they're having for lunch and what colour knickers they're wearing... Hmm

Sb74 · 19/11/2018 19:18

Having read some more OP replies, not sure why you’d want to spend time with this person anyway as you don’t seem to like them despite what you say - and why are you obsessed with spending time with them at the weekend? They may go places you and your family might enjoy but it doesn’t mean they want you tagging along with them. Probably why they don’t tell you their plans, in case you turn up like a stalker. You would drive me mind if you were constantly trying to get in on our weekend like that. Back off and let them do what they want before they get an injunction out on you!!

Sb74 · 19/11/2018 19:19

*drive me mad

GloryforGloves · 19/11/2018 19:28

So after RTWT, it actually hasn’t gone anything to do with her saying she has plans, or the way she says she has plans. She just wants to spend time with her immediate family and you are throwing a hissyfit about it.

Why is it so, so hard to fathom that someone wanting to spend exclusive time with their spouse and children at the weekends without hanger ons? She obviously does like you enough to spend time with you in the week but her priorities are not surprisingly her family - how could you possibly feel offended about that? It’s comes across and controlling, needy and weird.

Lovinglifemostly · 19/11/2018 19:30

Why do people have to explain their plans to anyone? If they aren't free for whatever reason, they aren't free ! I stopped explaining a long time ago why I couldn't meet up with people.

eggstoast · 19/11/2018 19:31

She’s perfectly within her rights to say that, but I mostly use it for people when I don’t like them much and, or When i can’t be arsed explaining.

Assuming you otherwise get along well with her, I too would be a bit miffed at being told ‘we have plans’ without further explanation, but I guess she might be a long time mumsnetter who doesn’t answer the door, unless they have been given 30 days notice. Thinks ‘no’ is a complete sentence, and would get a minimum of 5 buses (in the rain) to return a sachet of mayonnaise they had accidently not paid for in a cafe.

Why she can’t just say, sorry I like to keep my weekends free for me and the kids to slob about, or whatever she is doing is beyond me. You are a family member, not a nosey work colleague.

Sweetpea55 · 19/11/2018 19:45

Maybe its her standard reply because she hasn't had chance to think up an excuse,

Aragog · 19/11/2018 19:45

It's ab awful lot quicker to say 'sorry we've got plans' to saying that your going to the go in the morning, then you need to nip to town to but cuz, then you have to drop Dd at a party and then you're off out for a meal. Do people really need an itinerary of my day if they ask me if I'm free?!?
Luckily my friends and family don't need a link to my calendar and I don't need detailed knowledge of theirs.

Aragog · 19/11/2018 19:47

Why not say you “have stuff to do” and maybe, just maybe add a socially acceptable “Sorry”? How difficult can it be to be?

Why is 'sorry we have stuff to do' better than 'sorry we have plans' - I don't get it!

SuspiciouslyMinded · 19/11/2018 19:50

I think you’re very nosey, OP. It’s perfectly fine to have plans and not announce them.

cheval · 19/11/2018 19:51

It’s just the polite way of saying no. Others don’t have to sign up for your plans. Even family! They may have their own ideas of enjoying free time.

StarB3 · 19/11/2018 19:51

Maybe she likes weekends to be her family time or to do what she wants. Maybe she does have plans to do whatever but you don't need to know what her plans are. I like my weekends to be me and my kids. If someone asks me to do something and I have plans - whatever those plans may be then I say sorry I have plans. It's not bragging at all

ToniHargis · 19/11/2018 19:54

After decades of living in the States, where they tend to give less detail on their reasons for declining an invitation (but are still polite), I have come to use it. It's a fairly British thing to have to go into detail about why you can't go to a certain event or accept an invitation, and I've found that when I give the reason, everyone piles on about how I could fit both things in or how I should rearrange stuff etc.
And if someone says it to me, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that their other thing was better than mine, just that they had already planned it. However, if this person's use of the phrase gets up your nose so much, there must be more to that person in terms of why you feel that way. (And not saying you're wrong, btw).

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 19/11/2018 19:58

Erm maybe she just has plans? Hmm

eggstoast · 19/11/2018 19:59

She doesn’t have to give an itinerary, or think up an excuse.

If the sil prefers to spend weekends with her own family, or doing whatever else she prefers, she could just say that. Doesn’t have to be detailed.

I think ‘we have plans’ is ok once in a while, but to be repeatedly told ‘we have plans’ with no further explanation is a little blunt and unnecessary imo.

And by repeatedly I mean saying it more than 2 or 3 times, there’s nothing to suggest that the op is a pushy and keeps trying to impose herself on the sil. If she’s good enough to spend time with on a weekday, why the mystery over the weekends.

Biker47 · 19/11/2018 20:02

OP sounds like hard work. Even if the person isn't purposefully avoiding them at the weekend I could understand why, if they actually did.