To uninvite somebody from my wedding

[RedRoss]

I'm prepared to get flamed (I think)
My wedding is due to happen in January. To be nice, I invited my mum's longest standing friend and her husband. However they are yet to rsvp.
I don't have a mobile number for the lady but have Facebook messaged her and emailed her. I asked my mum to have a word aswell but so far nothing recently my fiancé has got back in touch with his brother and girlfriend so would like to invite them instead. I feel so stressed about this!

In this situation the right thing to have done is to have waited until after the rsvp date to make a firm commitment to the fiancee’s brother. Uninviting someone from a wedding is shitty behaviour.

I am sorry that you are so stressed. It is annoying that they haven't replied sooner given they've had the invite 5 months already.
3 thoughts:
Perhaps the friend is waiting until early December so they can include a Christmas card in with the reply and save on postage?
Can you go to your mums house on the way when you visit her in hospital and look up the friends number in her address book?
Is there a telephone number on her Facebook page?

OP, I really hope your mum makes a quick recovery. On the off chance that she still isn’t well enough to attend your wedding, would you still expect her friend to attend?

Do you think that you should let the friend know about your mum’s current situation and ask your mum’s friend to phone you to discuss plans?

Maybe she already thinks she's responded a yes, as you haven't actually asked her directly and her answer to your mum is a bit ambiguous.
Contact her again telling her your mum is in hospital and as an aside apologise telling her that the hotel is hassling you for numbers earlier than you thought and can she let you know by x. After the new x then contact her one last time saying that you assume she's not coming as she hasn't replied.

I’m confused op. If you don’t need to know ‘right this second’ if your mums friend coming .... why did you start the thread.

I thought it was because she hasn’t had the foresight to rsvp 3 weeks before you requested a rsvp. And that you were hoping against hope she did rsvp not coming so you could invite fiancés brother without additional cost. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick

Well I am meaning like right now, it'd be nice if by the end of the week she'd gotten back to me. Posters are making it sound like I am demanding an answer right now,no don't expect her to attend if my mum won't be there no of course not, hoping my mum will be out just in time though

I hope your mum makes a swift recovery op.

Op, so sorry to read that your mum's ill. It must be a really stressful time for you.

It sounds to me like it might help you to be able to take some action now in order to ease your stress.

One thing you could do is to contact your bil (maybe get your fiance to speak to his brother directly) to say that you'd really like them to come to your wedding but hadn't expected them to be back in time. You're still in the process of juggling the numbers but would love it if they could come to (as applicable) the ceremony and the evening do and that you will let them know if any spaces open up for the meal.

As for your mum's friend... could it be that she is thinking that whilst she wants to support your mum, she wouldn't be comfortable going if your mum isn't there? I can't imagine how I would say this if I was her. Maybe you could contact her with something like:

"Hi 'friend'!
Hope you're well. Sorry to be contacting you again so soon but I've realised that I misjudged the RSVP date and we really need more time to plan things, especially with Christmas so close. So sorry to mess you around but do you think you could let me know by Friday if you're coming? Many thanks, OP xx
RSVP Friday, 23rd November"

Alternatively, you could try to chill out and let it all unfold?? (I know it's difficult though.) I think if it was me I'd speak to the brother and make sure he knows how wanted he is, that you're at capacity budget-wise but that you're going to do your best to fit him in if he can make it. Take it from there.

So let me get this straight.

Your RSVP deadline is 10 Dec
You need to give numbers to venue 21 Dec
Final meeting at venue 24 Dec to confirm all details.

You can't really univite someone before the RSVP deadline, as that's not really fair.

Give her to 10 Dec and then if you still haven't heard, message her and say you assume she is not coming and won't be catered for.

Then invite the other people. Simple!

For what it's worth I had people no-show on the day of my wedding, didn't even message anyone to say they weren't coming!

OP you say you literally haven't money to spare but you offered this random friend of your mum's a room for the night at no extra cost to the friend, that's bonkers thinking.

Now if I still had people I wanted to invite & money was so tight, I'd be cutting my cloth to suit....let the random friend pay for their own room & invite BIL & his partner.

TBH it sounds like you've invited people who have no meaning for you & that's what's causing problems, not the lack of RSVP so far in advance. Take a step back & reevaluate YOUR day & stop trying to please everyone.

You can call via Facebook can't you? Am sure I've called people that way through messenger

I think you're all crazy!

Your mother would not be 'alone' as your brother is also attending (along with other extended family i presume?).
I think your mother just wanted to invite someone of her choice - and picked someone she hasn't seen in nearly a decade
Your mother could have very easily asked "so do you think you'll be coming" instead of accepting the pithy reply she was given.
Your mums phone will be at home/amongst her things somewhere - is there really not one single person who can look through it for the phone number?!

I highly doubt this woman actually wants to come, her response kind of says it all.....ignoring your messages makes it even clearer.
If she just need time for whatever reason she could have told you that.

All you needed to do was send one message saying the RSVP date has been moved forward and you need an answer by X date otherwise you will assume that she will not be attending.
Then, if you want, after X date (for politeness sake) you just send a further message saying you're sorry she won't be there and you hope to see her at some point in the future.

It’s your wedding and can do whatever you want. I think it’s odd when parents invite their friends, unless the couple is very close to them. Tell the people you’d rather invite to hold on, and send a really firm reminder one week before the final deadline to say you absolutely have to know on time for venue.

@RedRoss

OMG, just tell the brother you'd love to invite him but your budget doesn't stretch that far. Ask him to wait and see if this other couple RSVPs. If he really cares he could offer to pay himself. Why are you getting yourself so stressed?

Also, someone always flakes. My husband's uncle dropped out 2 days before our wedding because he had forgotten to book the day off. I invited a random friend of a friend because they were in the car when we got the call and he had the day off. No biggie.

*My DH has two brothers and he rarely contacts them, there is no issue, when they see each other everything is fine, they just aren't good at maintaining ongoing contact.

We lived in Australia for five years and during this time one brother got married, we would have been extremely hurt and surprised not to have been invited. We were and we attended.*

Congratulations.

What do you want, a bun? Just because your life is like this, it doesn’t mean it’s the same for others.

No my mum and my brother are my only family. My mum doesn't have a partner or anyone like that she can take along.
No there's also nobody to go to her house. Me and my brother are the only family, but again neither of us have a key
I've already accepted I am BU and will let it drop, still don't think I'll get an rsvp from this lady however

Are you geographically near your mum? Do you visit her in hospital? If so you could get the key, check all is ok in her house and get her phone. She might like to have the phone anyway. Don't forget the charger!

If you don't get a reply presume she isn't invited and ask them. Follow invite up to non rsvp'ers by sending a little note to,say as you've not heard their invite has been rescinded and reallocated to,reserve guest list! They can't turn up unannounced then!

Why don't you just be honest? Send a message with all the info in this thread?

Hi X

My Mum said you had sent thanks for invite. It would be lovely for us all to see you and mr x after such a long time, especially after mums recent ill health. DH has rekindles relationship with BIL after unexpectedly returning home, therefore would be inviting them to wedding. It would be useful to know ASAP if they intended on coming? You would be delighted to see them. If they weren't, you would like to offer seats and hotel room to bil?

Love X

You dont sound close in anyway to them so i dont think you need to worry about hacking them off.

Can you not get a key off your mum and take her phone to hospital during visiting? She might find the freedom to communicate whilst in hospital a blessing as she gets better? Surely her home will need checking on etc?

Don't send a message like that above.

That basically says I've got BiL queuing up for your space.
I'd feel obliged to decline the invite regardless of what prep I've done for it.

Send her a message on FB on RSVP day and tell her that your sorry she cant come but youll send her some wedding cake
But maybe the poor woman is waiting until the date required to let you know,

I truly do get that she may be waiting for the rsvp date but is it not incredibly rude to not respond to any of my messages? I dunno just seems quite strange?
No my mum doesn't have her keys with her and I don't think she's allowed her phone.

If you've emailed her asking what drinks she wants etc she's probably assumed she's already been counted as a yes!

FWIW though, it is bloody annoying when people RSVP late. I sent my own invites this March, deadline 1 Sept. Mid-Aug we still had about 30% outstanding. I just sent a generic reminder saying that this is going out to everyone we still haven't heard from...you have two weeks blah blah blah. Lo and behold pretty much everyone then responded. It is really frustrating but unfortunately that is a lot of ppl these days! Think you need to be direct and make it clear to her you still don't have her response. Don't even mention the BIL!

(And by late i just mean 5 months after invite was sent, rather than after deadline 😁)

Why did you set 1 September as a deadline when you wanted to know mid-August?