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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To uninvite somebody from my wedding

259 replies

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 08:34

I'm prepared to get flamed (I think)
My wedding is due to happen in January. To be nice, I invited my mum's longest standing friend and her husband. However they are yet to rsvp.
I don't have a mobile number for the lady but have Facebook messaged her and emailed her. I asked my mum to have a word aswell but so far nothing recently my fiancé has got back in touch with his brother and girlfriend so would like to invite them instead. I feel so stressed about this!

OP posts:

Santaclarita · 18/11/2018 08:53

Wait for the rsvp. Your fiancé's brother can't really expect to be invited if they have only recently started speaking again.

clary · 18/11/2018 08:54

Why is your RSVP date after the date you need to give numbers to the venue?

No, you can't uninvited someone. Has everyone else said yes? I think you'll have to chase up your mum's friend by 24th and apologise for the RSVP mix up.

Romanmonkey · 18/11/2018 08:55

You can’t chase people before the RSVP date!

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 08:55

He isn't expecting an invitation at all! We have spoken about the wedding but he isn't influencing our decision at all. I just expected to hear back by now is all

OP posts:

2cats2many · 18/11/2018 08:55

Look. This really simple. Get the number off your mum and call this woman.

This is what you say: "Hi mumsfriend. I know the wedding RSVP said 10 Dec, but, this is my mess up- sorry!- it turns out that we venue need numbers earlier. So I'm just checking in with people I haven't heard back from. Are you going to be coming in Jan?"

Mumsfriend " Yes".

You "Wonderful! I can't wait to catch up with you, etc"

Mumsfriend: "No"

You: "What a shame, but I completely understand. So sorry I had to chase you for an answer, like i said, it was my mix up with dates. I hope we see each other soon, etc".

ForalltheSaints · 18/11/2018 08:55

Maybe in hindsight the RSVP date should have been earlier, but that is too late to do anything about it.

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 08:57

I can't get the number from my mum atm as I've already said!
Well I didn't want to be chasing people up after Christmas so I chose to have the date before, that's pretty normal. So that I can see how many people have actually said yes, if there is room to add somebody else in. Even if the registry office won't count we simply cannot afford to pay for extra meals and drinks

OP posts:

cushioncuddle · 18/11/2018 08:58

I think it's a grey area.
They have been asked a couple of times if they will be attending and have been vague. I think that's rude.
You no that you can go or not unless waiting for an op. If they live so far away they're probably not fussed on going.
I think you put your RSVP date too close to the wedding.
I would email saying please could you let me know by Monday if you can attend as venue are chasing for numbers. Say that you understand that it is a long way to come and will totally understand if they can't make it. This gives the permission to not feel bad about refusing.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/11/2018 08:59

In your final bill with the hotel 130 is not going to make a huge difference. Just invite the brother and it will be all fine.
Do not contact the friend as she has untii at least Dec 5/6 to decide before posting her reply.
If they both come..the more the merrier.

cushioncuddle · 18/11/2018 08:59

I meant declining !!

spicedemerald · 18/11/2018 08:59

Another one here who don’t understand why your RSVP date is after the venue needs numbers?

Regardless, if you put an RSVP date you need to give people till then and after it passes you chase them-not before.

StingsandThings · 18/11/2018 09:00

Is she the only person you haven't heard back from?

I would chase up all the outstanding guestd with @2cats2many suggestion above, "sorry we need the numbers earlier than we thought" and see where that leaves you.

It may well be that someone you have invited can't come, leaving the way clear for BIL and avoiding any awkwardness

I do think if you invited her then it would be very rude to univite now

Twatforahat · 18/11/2018 09:00

What 2cats said

2cats2many · 18/11/2018 09:00

You have two options in this scenario: chase this woman or wait for her to get in touch with you. If you won't get the number from your mum you'll have to wait until the RSVP date passes. Stressing about it won't change that.

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 09:01

I've already told them there is absolutely no hard feelings at all if they don't come, tbh I don't even know her but I know I'd be crucified on here if I dare let my mum come alone
I know pp said she's never spoken to a bride about hotel room but we've got a set amount of rooms booked in a nearby hotel, obviously this couple will be staying the night as it's a long way to travel. We won't need the extra room if they aren't coming, again hotel needs this two week in advance.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 18/11/2018 09:02

Why did you expect to hear from people before the RSVP date? You can't chase up beforehand.

StingsandThings · 18/11/2018 09:02

Ah sorry, just saw your update. So the venue date is 24th December? I thought you meant 24th November.

Just wait and see who replies by 10th then make a decision on whether you have space to invite BIL!

Bambamber · 18/11/2018 09:02

Could you not invite the fiances brother to the reception after the meal? Just explain that you currently can't fit them in for the meal, but if anyone drops out you would love them to come, but can't confirm until after 10th

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 09:03

No the rsvp is the 10th of December, the venues needs numbers two weeks before the day. Which is the 21st December

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 18/11/2018 09:04

It was a big mistake to have your RSVP date after the date the venue need numbers by but I'm sure you're very aware of that by now. As a PP said, use that as your reason to contact her. If you can't get the number from your mum try calling on Facebook messenger. Otherwise send a message by all means possible stating change of deadline and that if you haven't heard by xxx date sadly you will have to assume they're not coming.

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere · 18/11/2018 09:04

I find it bizarre that your mother can't spare one minute to send the friends phone number to you. Whatever is going on in her life, it's ONE minute for something that is important.

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 09:04

Err maybe because she lives so far away? Everybody else has managed to rsvp on time.
Surely by now you know whether you'll want to go the distance or not

OP posts:

goingatlast · 18/11/2018 09:04

How is your mother preoccupied enough that she can't give you a telephone number? It takes seconds to send a number. Text her and stop being such a drama llama.

Original poster

RedRoss · 18/11/2018 09:04

The rsvp isn't after!!!!

OP posts:

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 18/11/2018 09:04

Your mum might be preoccupied but it takes 30 seconds to send a contact through whatsapp. Just text her and ask her to send it when she can. You get it within this week and call them up.

You know the final numbers anyway. You just don't know if the final two people are your mum's friend or yours.

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