To uninvite somebody from my wedding

[RedRoss]

I'm prepared to get flamed (I think)
My wedding is due to happen in January. To be nice, I invited my mum's longest standing friend and her husband. However they are yet to rsvp.
I don't have a mobile number for the lady but have Facebook messaged her and emailed her. I asked my mum to have a word aswell but so far nothing recently my fiancé has got back in touch with his brother and girlfriend so would like to invite them instead. I feel so stressed about this!

RedRoss: like the other Ross you did a Good Thing (when he gave Carol away to Susan) by inviting your mum's frined. Don't piss on it now by doing a really Bad Thing when SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!

So why did you include a deadline if it was meaningless?

It's really not a small wedding I'm dreading the amount of guests tbh! Well my mum simply cannot attend her daughter's wedding alone
I have accepted IABU and I'll wait, for the couple to still not respond

Is it just a money issue rather than space?
If just money (£190) then i'd just invite them as well and put that cost on a credit card. Saying to someone I won't spend £190 to have you at my wedding seems strange (unless it's literally a tiny budget wedding which this doesn't sound like)

Well my brother will be there as will his girlfriend, my mil and FIL will be there. She knows them

RedRoss I do not for one minute underestimate your frustration or think it is anything other than completely understandable. Nor do I think there is any reason to suppose that your mum's friend isn't genuinely thrilled to come. It's just that you cannot uninvite her at this point. But I imagine you've got that by now

Getting accused of thinking that everyone is well over invested in coming to my wedding when we all know on MN you must never express such excitement at the thought of somebody's wedding

‘Accused’? Good Lord.

Op I think it's unfortunate but you can't do anything until 10th December.
I'd explain this to your BIL. Just say you'd love them there for the evening and are hoping there will be space all day. I don't think this is weird at all. It's nice and shows you're trying to get it sorted.
If your mothers friend doesn't respond by the rsvp deadline give BIL the space.

Cough, I couldn't think of a better word. I know in real life nobody gives a shit of course

Why do people invite their parents friends to their weddings? I cant imaging my dds inviting a friend of mine that i havent seen for years/they dont know very well just to keep me company, especially at a very small wedding. Very kind of you but odd, especially as you have 4 dcs so surely your mum can be helping with them and you on the day. rather than worrying about if she has anyone to be with.

It's a long way to the date though, she's not hanging in until the last minute. And you've pestered her already!

Yet your mum is so 'preoccupied' she can't give you a number. Righto.

I'd take the mums pals response to be they intend to come but have something that needs sorted, money, shifts, weather, travel lot of logistics to attend a wedding 11 hours away.

I think the BIL is weird and deliberately went NC. In a world of modern communications, I find it odd he was back in the country for a month before you knew about it.

I get married in about 6 weeks, I'm stressed out my mind, I think a bit of curtsey is nice confused

It’s not really anyone else’s fault that you have choose to organise a wedding for yourselves that’s so complicated it’s Making you stressed. Presumably you knew that you had 4 kids and that Christmas is 25th December when you picked the date .

And if you have over spent on your budget then that’s your fault.

And you have given the wrong RSVP date so thats also your fault.

And if your mother is also so stressed she can’t spend 30 secs on the phone with you then she’s hardly going to be fit to spend an entire day at your wedding in 6 week.

Unless we are about to get a drip feed that your mother or your fiancée is terminally ill.

Make a nice phone call to this lady as 2 Cats suggested.

You need to get over yourself. This is a big fancy party that you have organised for YOU. You are expecting people to take a day or two out their busy lives, travel, pay for a hotel, buy new outfits and a gift , perhaps arrange childcare , all for YOUR BENEFIT.

They are doing you a favour by joining you to give you your dream wedding. They are the walk on actors in the Red Ross show.

Try being less stressed and more appreciative of you friends and family
. And grateful that you have the cash to spend £90 a head plus whatever+else you have spent on dresses, shoes, hen nights etc.

**I simply do not want to be chasing this guest into the new year! I get married in about 6 weeks, I'm stressed out my mind, I think a bit of curtsey is nice

But why would you be casing her into the new year? Give her till the 10th, then chase once. If she doesn’t respond then tell her you’ve had to give her space up.

Uninviting somebody from a wedding is very rude, to do it because they have not RSVP'd three weeks before you asked them too is doubly rude. Just invite the other couple.

I haven't put the wrong rsvp ffs, I just assumed she would have replied by now. I'm very appreciative especially given that I've not had a hen night or bridesmaids so the guests haven't gone to that expense. I'm also so grateful that I've paid for buses from the ceremony to reception and paid for hotel rooms afterwards.

Why can't you ask your Mum to ring her friend for a chat and just drop into the conversation "oooh what are you going to wear to Red's wedding" so she finds out in a roundabout way if she's intending on going or not. After all you did invite these people for her benefit, not yours.

And tbf I did say it would be a drip feed as to why my mum couldn't give me the lady's number right now

If it's not a small wedding I'm not sure why you're quibbling about the extra money for your fiance's SIBLING.

Just explain the situation to your future BIL.
Say please come to the evening do, and if there is space we will let you know on the 10th December about the day do.

I find it a little odd that BIL wasn't invited anyway. They would have known they were coming back and even if it was quicker then planned they still would have had to pack up their entire life before moving so surely you would have had some notice?
You are just going to have to be patient. They may find it odd that after 8 years of not seeing your mum they randomly get an invite to your wedding.
They may have lots going on in their lives at the moment.
So be patient and work out where you can save some money in normal life so you can add the extra 2.

Not to be crude about it but remember you will get wedding presents..money..so will probably have enough to reach the extra 190. And more!!!
Can't get my head around your df not inviting his own brother to his wedding no matter where he lives. Get that brother invited right now and worry about every thing else later.

You have been generous op, paying for transport and hotels.
I guess the key is how much do you want to hassle your mum.
All of this twisting in knots is basically for her benefit

And tbf I did say it would be a drip feed as to why my mum couldn't give me the lady's number right now

Well I for one get that it is totally legit not to hassle you mum when she has other fish to fry. You are a good daughter, seriously. But this is still not a reason to sack some invitees off WAYYYYYY ahead of the cut off date

BIL wasn't originally invited as we hadn't heard from him since the start of the year, it wasn't their intention to come back and have come back unexpected and quickly. They've been back a month and are slowly getting around to all the family to tell them, my fiancé has been aware he is back but only had a few days off work and caught up with him then.
I am BU, I will wait