To uninvite somebody from my wedding

[RedRoss]

I'm prepared to get flamed (I think)
My wedding is due to happen in January. To be nice, I invited my mum's longest standing friend and her husband. However they are yet to rsvp.
I don't have a mobile number for the lady but have Facebook messaged her and emailed her. I asked my mum to have a word aswell but so far nothing recently my fiancé has got back in touch with his brother and girlfriend so would like to invite them instead. I feel so stressed about this!

I think you are merging two issues:

1. you have sent out an invite and not heard anything back and you need to firm up numbers

2. Your fiancee has recently gotten back in touch with his brother and wants him at the wedding

If everyone had responded and said yes what would you do
Can you afford the extra money?
Do you think the relationship with your BIL would be damaged by not inviting

I'm aware of that but she's not even responded on Facebook or to my email? To me it seems like she wants to say no but doesn't know how to

If you really haven’t got £190 spare, you should not be contemplating spending so much on a wedding!! I suggest you look to other ares where you could cut back, e.g. add ons that are not necessary.

I get married in about 6 weeks, I'm stressed out my mind, I think a bit of curtsey is nice

But you asked for replies by 10 December. If not knowing by 18 November was going to make you ‘stressed out of your mind’, why not ask for replies a month earlier?

No we cannot afford the extra 190 to include another couple.
I'm sure the relationship wouldn't be damaged but I'd like to have all spaces filled. They've only got back in touch as they've been living in NZ not because they went NC or anything!

😂😂😂😂😂 chocato 👏👏👏 we haven't got it spare because everything is mostly paid for, there's no time to cut back, what even is that?! Yes let's just sack off our photographer who has already been paid in full

We have four children aswell with it being on the cusp of Christmas of course there's no room to cut back!!

YABVU. The rsvp date hasn't passed.

Why does being preoccupied prevent your Mum from giving you the number or talking to her friend?

You have these choices

Uninvited her before the RSVP date which will be rude

Wait until the RSVP date and see if she replies or not then invite BIL if you can

Invite BIL now and pay extra.

If you've stated that the RSVP date is 10th Dec then it is rude to chase them up before that date. You certainly can't 'uninvited' them.

YABU I'm afraid.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand how being ‘preoccupied’ stops your mum giving you a phone number.

I do think you’re a bit unreasonable expecting RSVPs before the date YOU specified.

Oh dear.
You really have to wait for the RSVP date.
FWIW I invited loads of my DMs friends at her request to mine. None of them RSVPd so I had to get all the numbers from DM. None of them were planning on attending.
Does your DM want these friends there as she won't know anyone else if she also lives 11 hours away? If so even more reason to wait and not put pressure on your DM or them.
I know it isn't what you want to hear and I feel your pain. If you were to do it again I'd set an RSVP date closer to sending out the invitations..alas a wedding isn't one of those things you get to do-over!

I completely understand you being frustrated but the problem is that you put the RSVP date as 10th Dec so YABU to be annoyed about someone not responding before then.

She might be trying to work out logistics as to whether she can come or not and not actually know herself yet.

Maybe they don't know yet if they can get time off work? I know it seems to take ages for DP to be told if he can time off - NHS

Do you visit your mum? Or just phone? If you visit you could ask to look at the address book, to get the phone number?

And if you just phone ask her then

This seems to be the sticking point and is a simple fix

The RSVP is 10th so yabu to be annoyed she has not rsvp'd yet. She is possibly trying to sort out travel/time off/cat sitter and hoping to come. Maybe she doesn't use Facebook or email often.

Get the phone number and explain you need to confirm numbers earlier or wait patiently, you would be very rude to uninvite.

Sorry but you are being unreasonable.
The rsvp date is a month away.
You just want her to hurry up and say no so you can invite someone else.

Also you could just get her number and phone her. How pre occupied can you be to not have 30 seconds to send a text message.

What do you mean when your mum asked her and she skirted around the issue

Here's an option. Contact prospective BIL & SIL & explain the situation. Say you'd really like to invite them now they've returned to the UK but you aren't sure if there will be space until you hear back from this other couple, which may not be until after the RSVP date has passed.
But please could they keep the date free until then, & you'll let them know as soon as possible.
They are family and should understand.

Speak to your mother OP, and get this sorted today, it's the way forward.

OP you didn’t answer my question!

How are you going to uninvite her, considering you can’t contact her?

The RSVP date hasn't passed it would be exceedingly bad manners to invite someone else in their place before then.

Ok I'm unreasonable! Just getting twitchy, I honestly thought everyone would rsvp before the date anyway, especially living so far away. Yes the lady isn't going to know anybody else apart from my brother and me, she hasn't seen my mum in a good 8 years hence my mum wanting me to invite her and so that my mum won't be alone.
I really can't speak to my mum right now, i dont want to drip feed but it's just not possible. She uses Facebook heaps, although not the point, she has seen my message and not replied.
Well my mum mentioned it to her just saying would be great to see you. She simply said "Yeah I got the invitation, thank your daughter for me. It has been a long time"

There could be any number of reasons she hasn't replied yet and living that far away lots of things to take into consideration. The long journey in January when the weather could be bad. Who wants to shell out for a hotel room you might not be able to use, the cost of the journey, maybe she can't drive the distance or cope with it. If she's elderly she may need time to get over such a long journey so would need more than one days accommodation and as you have said its Christmas maybe she cant spare the cash to come to the wedding of someone she doesn't really know, Maybe ill health is preventing her from making a decision, she could be waiting for a hospital admission date to come through for example. Hassling her for a decision is unnecessary the RSVP date has not yet passed, she has 3 weeks yet. In addition there is also the preoccupation that is preventing your Mum from even giving you a phone number, if she's a close friend maybe she's thinking that this preoccupation might also prevent your Mum from attending the wedding and is waiting until she knows for certain.

Also, if people know they can't attend, they usually RSVP straightaway.

So this couple may well be still considering coming.

Anyway, people always drop out of weddings at the last minute - you're probably fine to invite the extra couple.