Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 18/11/2018 05:08

If you wake him to kick him out now you risk incurring his temper in front of your children. Waiting till tomorrow is the safest thing for you to do right now for you and your kids as their isn't yet anyone else their to support you. We're here for you and able to offer our support. Sometimes the best thing to do isn't what our gut is telling us.

Redglitter · 18/11/2018 05:10

It's 5am the OP is shocked & traumatised. It's all very well to say kick him out right now but yes she does have children to consider and she needs to be allowed time to get her head round things and decide how she feels it's best for her to deal with it. If that means waiting a few hours to get her mum over and maybe take the children out then that's her choice.

All she needs on here right now is reassurance and support

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:11

Thank you for understanding.

See, atm I cannot reconcile what he has done with who I thought he was. I don’t fear him yet. He doesn’t scare me because I’ve only experienced good things until tonight.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:12

Mamma in all seriousness, please avoid speaking to him, for the safety of you all, do it when you are apart and safe.
There is no need of confrontation, it will not end well. There is nothing that will make him own up to what he's done and they way he has treated you.
You only discovered tonight that he is a stranger to you, you do not know what else he is capable of.

Lymphy · 18/11/2018 05:12

@NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound absolutely, it's 5 o'clock, quiet not many people about, the worst case scenario would be for this to escalate to further danger for you OP. Safety is paramount.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:13

X-posted

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:13

I will wait until he’s at work, then get his stuff together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:15

He has no key atm so no need to worry there. I can pack his stuff up, and get it dropped to him so he doesn’t need to come back.

OP posts:
Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 05:17

Good for you OP!
He's not going to work until Monday. Will you feel comfortable tonight?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:18

Yes, exactly that. Gives him an advantage that you are not really convinced, and that he can still convince you of what a winner he is.
He has managed to successfully hide an appalling secret.
He took a risk, he's feeling secure in your loyalty, and acceptance of him.
He doesn't yet know of the fallout from this for you, the impact of what he's done.
I really feel for you love... It's at times like these you wish you were just around the corner!

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 18/11/2018 05:18

Thats a good plan @Puddingmama2017. This is a horrific situation but your doing the right thing by working it out rationally like this. Definitely report him though. I have no idea how they'll process it but if you explain everything like you have here even down to the not finishing at least you'll know you've done what you can to get it all on record.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:20

I just need to get through the next 25 hours. I can do that. I have to.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:21

Do you think your DM will support your plan? I have visions of her charging round at sun-up?

thejustine · 18/11/2018 05:22

Sadly, you're not the first person I've heard this happen to.

Please try not to blame yourself, this was rape. You did not consent.

There is no right answer of what to do in this situation other than try and keep yourself and your children as safe as you can

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:24

He can leave today, you don't have to wait.

The only reason I say that is the fact of spending another night in bed becoming a flashbpoint for escalation, and you have another female in the house.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:25

Lol, my mother isn’t the charge up sort. She’ll rock up at some point but I suspect it’ll be closer to midday.

We were meant to be tidying today so I’m going to be clever and use it as an opportunity to sort the laundry pile so I can locate his stuff easily.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:25

You no longer know who he is.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:27

If I have to stay awake all night tonight I will. But my mum also has work today and there’s nowhere else for the kids to go until school on Monday. It has to be then.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:27

I see your plan, yes, but your DM has never received a text in the middle of the night saying you've been raped.
That would have me round, or at least texting the moment I woke an saw it... Which could arouse his suspicions?

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:28

I can do this. I just never knew I would have to.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:29

Can they stay overnight with your DM tonight? At least you know they will be safe.

feathermucker · 18/11/2018 05:30

I have no advice or experience that will benefit you.

I do want to say though that I admire your incredible bravery in the face of what must be a very frightening situation.

Please don't listen if he tries talking you round.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:30

mama you sound strong! It's really good to hear.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:30

She messaged me back with ‘do you want me to come over?’ And I said no, that I’d talk to her today.

He won’t get suspicious of me messaging, he’s never displayed any behaviour like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:32

She works in a pub until 11.

I don’t feel strong. I feel very weak. But I will do this. Thank you all for being here with me.

OP posts: