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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:32

Ah, I missed that post.. Bless her. Good to know she has your back

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:34

This is awful, but you are doing it, even though you feel weak. That's strength.

I am concerned for you, really worried about the effect the next 25 hours is going to have on you and how it could go so wrong.

Lymphy · 18/11/2018 05:35

But you are strong. You've experienced horror yet here you are planning your next move to protect yourself and your children. I'd say that's pretty darn strong lass x

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:35

...but will be behind you all the way love

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:35

More tears.

I’ve never been called strong before

OP posts:
feathermucker · 18/11/2018 05:38

You are very strong. Drawbon that strength.

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 05:39

Shriek, he will do nothing. Nothing will go wrong. Stop creating drama where there is none.

Lymphy · 18/11/2018 05:39

Do you drive, is there absolutely no way you could go when he goes to get the paper? I agree with @Shriek, my concern is that he's done this tonight I'm worried he'll have a sense of a "I got away with it" mentality, if I'm brutally honest I'm concerned he may do it again tonight

windowWAG · 18/11/2018 05:44

@Shriek please stop shit stirring.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:45

I don’t drive.

Believe me, if I believe for one second that there is further danger, I will find a way to act. I will protect myself. I will get a message to someone to act on my behalf and call the police.

But I truly don’t believe I will be. It was so passive, no restraint or violence. He thought I was asleep. I could have spoken or moved. I will forever kick myself for not, I just froze.

OP posts:
Lymphy · 18/11/2018 05:50

OK we just want you safe. Try not to beat yourself up for freezing, it was a reaction to fear, shock, confusion, tiredness x

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:54

Can I confess the thing that’s worrying me?

That he’ll say he did it when he was asleep. I know he wasn’t. His breathing pattern. His hand on my hip and on my thigh. It was deliberate. But I just don’t understand why.

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 18/11/2018 06:00

I'm most concerned about your DD tbh. He's clearly a sexual deviant who gets off on feeling powerful, I reckon he knew you were awake too. I don't think your daughter is safe. I think you need to get him out. Today.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:19

How old is your DD mama

arranfan · 18/11/2018 06:24

Rape Crisis local service finder: rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

Rape Crisis Guide: If you've just been raped: rapecrisis.org.uk/ifyouvejustbeenraped.php

Harmonyrays · 18/11/2018 06:24

Maybe your mum just hasn't seen the message yet. Could pretend to receive a call and say you need to go out first thing.

His behaviour suggests this may not be the first time as pp have suggested. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Tale care of yourself.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:24

...pls don't take risks. You don't know him.

What he did is highly deviant and violent behaviour.

If you had been told yesterday that he would do that you'd have said stfu!

What he has done has proved to you that you don't know who he is.

That is not your fault. It's because he's only just shown you who he is. You're freezing, is evidence of the effect on you, but irrelevant to what he was doing in terms of his behaviour.

You know how it made you feel.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/11/2018 06:27

Flowers How awful for you to have to get through today. Is there no way your mum could just take the kids instead of having lunch together? You’d then be able to kick him out today and your mum could bring them back before work once’s he’s gone.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:27

You will need to not have those convo s with him as they will not serve any purpose. His response willl be predictable and your challenging him will lead to potential escalation.

How old is your DD? You said she's sleeping on the sofa? Is she OK?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:31

You are in shock and cannot take it in..much rape is this way.
It is widely recognized that the most common response to rape is to freeze, that there isn't restraining.
That he was sexually violent and violating you, was violent.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:32

What it wasn't was passive

Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:34

You have the opportunity to leave whilst you are with your DM.
It is by far the safest option.

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 06:37

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Shriek · 18/11/2018 06:41

Just refer to rape crisis. It's all there.
..I have no idea why you have been swearing at OP, after her ordeal, and now me, but you need to stop.
I get that you are angry, but if you can't deal with this then leave the thread and don't make it about you.
I am sorry you have suffered this way

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 06:43

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