Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

*triggering* Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

OP posts:
Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 04:46

I'm going to tell you that the police may believe you but probably won't be able to get the CPS to prosecute.

I was raped in slightly different circumstances and I got a letter a couple of weeks ago saying that my 'indecision' over consent was why they wouldn't be proceeding.
There was no indecision. I was shouting no and said that in the interview, but that's how they worded it in their letter to me.

That aside, this is a massive one of the 20 questions or so, that police ask you after a domestic violence interview.

Has he been violent to you other than this?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:46

*Police

Starfish28 · 18/11/2018 04:47

As Shriek said please don’t sit it out until Monday. Ask him to leave. Not doing something to avoid a scene only hands him the power

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:47

Ohsolomio this has literally just happened to OP...you are way ahead of her on this...she doesn't even want to report it.

Please try to be aware of the shock she is in right now, and trying to make sense

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:50

Just wait till he goes for his paper if thats early, or leave yourself with your DC and do the 'leave' when you and he are not in the same building, when you and DC are safe.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:51

Ohsolomio. Do you really want to upset the OP???

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:51

Thank you all so much.

It all just feels like a nightmare

OP posts:
Redglitter · 18/11/2018 04:52

I think this was just a big misunderstanding. He probably thought you were enjoying it

Are you fucking kidding??? A misunderstanding? The OP woke to find him having non consented sex with her. That's not a misunderstanding- that's rape

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 04:52

Shriek, you don't need to vet what I post to the OP. I'm sure she's capable of reading herself.

owmn · 18/11/2018 04:53

Of course it does love, it mug all seem incredibly surreal and overwhelming, but all you have to think about right now is keeping yourself and the children safe, step by step. Don’t worry too much about the bigger picture just yet if that feels like too much, take it half an hour at a time.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:54

Sadly yes, she will read what you posted, I'm not sure which bit you feel is very supportive of her immediate 'nightmare' situation
I am horrified at your experiences and subsequent treatment and very sad for it Flowers

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:55

I mean I just don’t understand. We had sex last night before going to sleep. Then 3 hours later that happens. I feel so sick.

OP posts:
Lymphy · 18/11/2018 04:56

OP I really don't want to alarm but Monday is too long. He could do this to you again. Your mum has offered to come over now, I suspect she'll be expecting you in the morning. As soon as is safe to do so you take the children and you go, you don't have to report it, rape crisis won't force you, you can even access a sexual assault centre they will collect any evidence and store it even if you don't wish to report it at this time.
You are in shock and distressed. The priority is keeping yourself and children safe. After that you can decide what you would like to do. Is he asleep? Be sure he doesn't see this thread OP xx

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:57

mamma we're here for you.
Small steps will walk you out of this love. You have lots of support here, and our utter belief in you and concern for your well-being

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 04:59

Her question Oh Shriek, Lord of the thread, was Is this rape?

That's my answer. The police might agree that it's rape, but they can't get the CPS to prosecute.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:59

Shriek so many tears at your words

There is no evidence. He didn’t finish. It was all for nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:01

Ohsolomio I won’t be reporting it so it doesn’t matter to me whether they class it as rape or not. Thank you for your post and your strength in writing it

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:01

Your DM has offered to come over now? I must've missed that, aw bless her.
I would take her up on that. You need your DM right now, and you can both get him out with a threat to call police if not.

Sad to say that it is predictable, his sexual depravity. It's horrible to know, but it is likely to get more frequent and steadily more aggressive.
I am so glad you are talking now,and not many months or even years down the line when you are too shaken to do so.

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 05:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:03

The not finishing... Is also part of that pattern.

I am sorry you are so angry ohsolomio, and sad for your experiences. No worries

Ohsolomio · 18/11/2018 05:04

You do know you can still kick his sorry ass out?

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:05

ohsolomio

Fuck you, go and take your anger somewhere else and don’t you dare judge me for trying to keep my children’s lives as normal as possible before I have to blow them apart.

I’m sorry for what you have gone through and your clear feelings about your own situation and subsequent letdown by the police. But don’t you dare judge me.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:06

Can I ask you to stop ordering OP about after what she's going through? You need to stop.
I get that you're angry, but her priority is keeping safe.
I hope your intention is to be helpful, but its not coming across.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 05:07

My mum will be asleep now. And when it comes to it, I will kick him out. Me, by myself, for myself and for my children.

OP posts:
Shriek · 18/11/2018 05:07

Oh well said mamma!!!!