*triggering* Was I raped?

[Puddingmama2017]

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

AHH I am so pleased you are seeking help, and awful that the GP was not understanding. Have you heard from him?

Huge hugs OP, just read the thread. You are so strong, I'm sorry for the shit that you've had to deal with.

I do want to jump in and correct some misinformation in the thread - firstly, freeze is one of 5 common reactions to trauma. Fight, flight, freeze, flop (also commonly seen in sexual assaults, where someone essentially stops fighting as it's futile, they can't stop what is happening) and friend (running to someone for help). It's so much more than fight or flight.

And secondly, whether an assailant ejaculates or not, there is still evidence present! When doing a forensic medical examination (FME), you're looking for the presence of someone elses DNA - that is commonly in semen, but is in our skin/urine/blood etc. That be found on swabs even without semen.

Sorry for being crude but I work for a SARC (sexual assault referral centre) and it's not something everyone knows. There might be a SARC near you OP, which will usually have support & counselling specifically for this type of situation.

Oh lovely that’s awful - it was sex without express consent at the time and therefore that is rape, plus it’s left you feeling rotten so it’s clearly not okay. What worries me even more is that he attempted Anal - was told no clearly and then tried again twice? Very abhorrent behaviour.

Also your feeling that you may have consented without knowing in some way... I have lived with my DH for 5 years and he will still make sure we’re both ‘feeling it’ before we get properly intimate. Alarm bells are ringing and I hope you are able to either resolve this with him if possible by letting him know it is NOT okay what he has done, or by seeking professional guidance x

Thinking about you

Good luck with the counselling. Rape crisis or somewhere that specialises in sexual assault really are best placed to support you. They get it, I'm so sorry your GP was no help. When I told my GP about my history they did a nervous laugh.. they didn't know what to say. Another one told me to look for help on the internet. Some people just don't know what to say. But you will only get people who understand at rape crisis. I know it's hard to pick up the phone and talking about it makes it real but they really are amazing xxx

Jelly that's really good information. But I think at the beginning of the thread OP said she couldn't believe what he did, because before they went to sleep they had consensual sex. So in a situation like that, would a woman still go to a SARC? Because DNA would be there from a few hours before? It would be good to know what someone should do if this is the case.

and OP, hope the counselling later in the week is helpful.

The GP asked why I didn’t stop him, that it was very common and no further action would be needed.

It is very common but that doesn't make it right ☹ I hope you get more from the counselling

Was the GP a man by any chance? Please complain about him that is an awful awful attittude to take

Your GP is an idiot who needs at he very least extra training. I'm sorry.

@puddingmama I am so sorry that your GP was so appallingly dismissive and unsympathetic to what you have been through. Hopefully the counsellor will help you more.

You are so very strong in the way that you've dealt with all of this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you

@Puddingmama2017 well done, I am in awe of you. Strong and dignified in a truly awful and traumatic situation. And I'm so heartened by all the amazing support you had on here (and disgusted at the idiots). I've no doubt this will all take some time to process so you can move on, so be kind to and look after yourself x

Please report the GP to the practice manager.

I'm so sorry you weren't given the support you needed.

I'm so sorry your GP was so dismissive, I agree that you should report this. You can ask for a female GP if it's a group practice. (Assuming the GP you saw was a man, it doesn't necessarily follow of course.)

That is an utterly disgraceful response from your GP. I'm absolutely horrified!

I found this really helpful too. It's free access to a book called the courage to be me by dr Nina burrowes ninaburrowes.com/books/the-courage-to-be-me/preface/

What an appalling response from your GP.

@Onefoot - in these situations where sexual assault has occurred by a partner whereby consensual sex recently happened, it becomes murkier because obviously there isn't any way to know which DNA is from which episode. I didn't see that part of your original post OP I'm sorry. I just wanted to speak generally to people reading around DNA and what we can offer at a SARC. Swabs become less useful when the issue is of consent rather than proving something happened.

@Puddingmama - please please find your nearest SARC. I work in London, but ones outside of London will link into counselling with Rape Crisis usually if they don't offer it in house. If you're in London, look up The Havens.

Sending you so much love, your GP is an absolute arse. This is not your fault, your ex partner is a cretin and you did NOTHING wrong.

Posted too soon. What happens next is up to you - but him saying no further action is needed (I'm making a wild assumption here that the doctor is male!) is disgusting as that's up to you!

Gosh, your GP needs reporting. He is absolutely wrong.

Is Philomenabutterfly your GP?! What a shit response, how dare they suggest you should have stopped him. And people claim there is no rape culture in our society, you can't even get support from a trained medical professional!

I hope the counselling appointment goes/went well.

Yes it was a man. He was very bemused as to why I was questioning it. Apparently the normal response would be to say ‘oi, what are you doing?’

I will read through the thread more thoroughly over the weekend and try to absorb the posts and the information.

Thank you all. Xx

Oh Pudding he is a man and will never understand, he will never go through or expect to go through what you have been through. A woman GP is much better, well I find them much more understanding, and will request a woman GP where possible. Have you heard from him, or has he totally gone now?

Oh what an arse. Your response was COMPLETELY NORMAL ( sorry for shouting.)

Take your time.

No further action?! Surely that’s not your GPs call to make... Fucking hell

Please report the GP, @Pudding, if you feel strong enough to, and seek support from one of the organisations mentioned by previous posters.