*triggering* Was I raped?

[Puddingmama2017]

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

Long time lurker here. Just wanted to say that I am absolutely disgusted and disappointed by the abhorrent abuse towards OP by solo and philomena mostly. Get back under your bridge!
Such a strong lady 💐xx

I'm so sorry. This is Rape. I cannot rate the rape crisis helpline enough. They are amazing, and open every day of the year. You can't always get through first time but it is worth persevering. You get 40 mins to talk it through with someone that doesn't judge and understands completely. They also have amazing advocates too. I spoke to an advocate for a while before meeting her, and talked through my opinions before deciding whether to report or not. They came with me to the police station when I decided to report. It was entirely up to me. No pressure. Sending you a big hug OP.

No Antigon, but people have used the word "always". Not always.

No Quartz, I'm not. We had the discussion before we ever had sex. Consent is understood.

@Philomena you have given him consent when you were awake. OP did not. You're comparing apples with oranges.

Your example proves the rule that sex without consent is always rape, because you have given consent.

I think all I've said to the OP is that I'm so, so sorry that this happened to her. I've been responding to people who jumped on me.

Yes, Antigon, I agree. But sex while asleep isn't always, which is my point.

Ok @philomena you have agreed rules and are completely happy with them. Sex whilst asleep isn’t always rape if the partner has previously said that this is turn on for them.

Yes people said always and you disagreed because that isn’t your choice. The op however had no choice in what happened to her. That was rape and you e acknowledged that. I think it’s time you accepted that people will Sometimes say things that don’t fit with your reality and that’s ok!

But really this thread is to support @pudding as she is coping with a trauma. It isn’t to argue between posters. Back off from validating yourself and put yourself in this woman’s shoes. Either stop posting or be supportive.

Glad you confronted him. Now he has no excuse that he thinks it was ok. Rape crisis are wonderful. Go well op

PhilomenaButterfly

Just. Stop.

@PhilomenaButterfly

Nobody gives a fuck what kinks you and your husband get up to. Going on about yourself and about semantics on a thread where someone is seeking help after they've been raped is abhorrent. Can't you see what you're doing? You're being so offensive right now.

I've only just joined this thread OP but I just wanted to say. How amazingly strong you are, you really REALLY are, you've got this. He's out of your home and your life.

Please, even if you don't report it to the police, please at least speak to someone about what happened, this WAS NOT your fault and your actions since it happened have been beyond strong. BUT, you may need some help processing it all, just someone to talk to, if you don't have anyone in real life that you can confide in. I've seen loads of really good links upthread

More than anything - know this:

1. You're protecting your kids from this vile piece of shit
2. You're stronger than maybe even you realise
3. Not all men are the same, there are good ones out there, you will find someone when the time is right

Rape Crisis were definitely a lifeline for me, they were so helpful. They didn't normally answer when I rang, as they are manned by volunteers, but they always called back. I had a toddler at the time, so I often couldn't talk for long, but they were so helpful and I could talk with them freely, without any judgement, which was a lifeline while I was processing the traumatic memories. (They had been repressed for years and came flooding back once I had young DDs.)

I can recommend them 100%.

Well said, @RedDeadRoach I can't understand how anyone would see that this is an appropriate place to discuss what she and her DH find a turn-on. This is about supporting the OP, for whom it wasn't a turn-on. Try showing some empathy towards her and others on here who have shared our stories.

@philomena. Can you not comprehend how your situation is different? Are you really that dense? GTF

OP, you have been incredibly strong. It’s been not even 24 hours since it’s happened and you have protected yourself and your children. Well done.
I hope you’re able to get an early night once the children have gone to bed. Hot bath and some trashy telly or magazine. Be kind to yourself, you’ve had a relentless day.

Just popping by to send warm wishes to you puddingmama.
You have come a long way already.

I am so glad you have your DM for support and that you confided in her. You might not want to talk about or face this for a long time, that's OK, you will when you want/need to.
Peace for you and your DC tonight. A quiet and safe place for you all, thanks to you

Thank you all so very much. I know i’ve been quiet today but have been reading through and I’m so grateful to you all for your support.

I’m finally eating something reluctantly. And will be going to sleep as soon as the kids are down.

There's no expectation of posts from you, but lovely to see you popped back, and I wish you a really good rest tonight, with peace of mind.

Many years ago somebody I was seeing performed a sex act on me whilst I was sleeping, I woke up mid way through and just like you, I froze. I didn't know what to do or say but I knew it felt wrong. I pulled away and positioned myself differently so he couldn't do it then lay awake the rest of the night wondering what had just happened.

When he left the next day I had it out with him on the phone because I didn't have the guts to confront him to his face, he was insulted that I was "basically calling him a rapist" and couldn't see what he'd done wrong and responded as though it was the norm.

I didn't buy it, how can you not know that doing something sexual to another person whilst they are sleep is wrong, immoral and illegal.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP

@Philomena, people have been saying sex without consent is rape. You have morphed this into people insisting sex when victim is asleep is always rape to hijack this thread and make it about you.

You say 'you won't have it' and yet are perfectly willing to distress the OP. Why are your more needs more important than OP's? Why not start your own thread if you feel so strongly?

Thinking of you @Puddingmama2017

The shivering could be shock. Sometimes a warm or heavy blanket helps ground you. Sending you lots of love OP, you have found your voice and it is magnificent. You are braver and stronger than you realise. We are right here if you need to talk, again, Rape crisis are amazing. I have phoned their helpline when completely overwhelmed and I always come away feeling better.

You've been incredibly brave. Look after yourself and your family.

I have just read this thread. @mama, I am so sorry for what you have been through and impressed by you throughout the thread. I appreciate that you may not wish to report to the police, but I would urge you to think about the best personal support for you, as you might need some help moving forward.

I am saddened by the number of deleted threads. Seems that a number of posters did not have the best interests of the OP at heart.

Wishing you as peaceful nights sleep as possible op.

You are in shock @puddingmama2017.
You have been through a huge emotional trauma. Please allow yourself time to heal.
You have been amazingly brave and strong today.