Advice about in-laws and babysitting

[SilverBirchTree]

My in-laws love my one year old very much and he loves them. They are incredibly loving and fun with him.

However- As often as not a visit with them will involve MIL doing something I feel is a bit dangerous or unhygienic with my son. But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal.

For example, in the last two weeks:

She wiped his face and hands with a soiled dish cloth she found in our sink. I’d used it to wipe up raw egg and kitchen spray earlier in the day. She didn’t seem to understand why I asked her to use his baby wipes instead.

On another occasion my son had a wooden xylophone stick in his mouth. She picked him up and play wrestled with him, rolling him around on the floor while was holding the stick in his month. She didn’t seem to understand why I interrupted and took the stick away.

My son has started thrashing around and standing up when his nappy is changed. We change him on a changing table with a seat belt style strap or on a soft mat on the floor so he doesn’t fall or smack his head. She tried to change him on our stone kitchen bench (high off the ground and right next to a ceramic vase, a wine bottle etc). My husband asked her not to.

This is just the last two weeks, but it’s been like this since he was born. I know none of these actions are outrageously negligent. I know lots of parents are more relaxed than I am. But I feel like I’ve spent the last year asking her to be more careful about safety, and she doesn’t take 90% of my concerns on board.

I’ve just returned to work and my mother has offered to watch him one day a week. We have hired a wonderfully qualified nanny for the other days. We did not ask my In laws to babysit purely because MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on safety issues.

It was launched world war three. For days now my in-laws have called DH crying and shouting. They’ve literally said that not being invited to babysit is the worst, most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to them. They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry. They were incredibly hostile towards me in front of my child. They obviously blame me for all of it although my husband and I are in agreement.

If you read this far thank you.

Basically AIBU about this safety stuff? Any advice for me about childcare in this situation? I hate conflict and I am just stunned by the extremity of their reaction and don’t know what to say or do. We are devastated by this rift, and just so overwhelmed.

What a ramble... sorry. Any advice would be amazing.

Having grandparents that are fun and loving and that are willing to spend time with their GC are hugely important

I agree with this. But they were spending time with their GC though and there is nothing to suggest that the OP was planning to prevent that. They have kicked off because they've not been asked to provide sole childcare and have behaved aggressively to the OP in front of her child.

A swipe round the chops with a dishcloth is hardly worth this.

It's about trust though isn't is? Why should the OP leave her child with someone she doesn't trust to keep them safe just because they're family?

We have family members who are desperate to babysit our children but for different reasons we don't do it. We'd love to but our children come first.

With us all being so exacting about how our babies are cared for these days, family care and involvement will dwindle while the costs of the childcare we are so demanding about will soar.

Want someone to follow your specific instructions? Pay for it...and don’t complain when family don’t seem too bothered about your kids.

@pictish we sort of did that today when we went round. I didn't criticise them or argue back. I just told them that we loved them, that they are wonderful grandparents and that I am committed to working this out with them. They mostly sneered and refused to look at me in response. Otherwise we just listened to them, because I wanted them to feel that we heard and understood their hurt. They couldn't budge from their hurt. They just kept yelling and crying and saying how I'd ruined the family, ruined everything.

After about an hour I decided we weren't getting anywhere and I wasn't going to allow them to insult and attack me in front of my son any longer, it was only making it harder for us to reconcile down the road.

My DH said that we would like to try relationship counseling with them, since we didn't seem to be communicating effectively, and that we were leaving. My DH will visit them next week with our son but I think I'll stay home. I completely understand their hurt but I am not their emotional punching bag either.

They haven't agreed to counseling.

@pictish I'm happy to pay for good care. That's how this whole thing came about

Well done for trying. You were right to recognise that it wasn't working and leave. You are absolutely right to say that you're not their emotional punching bag.

I suggest you leave it to your DH to deal with from now on.

PS Did he defend you btw? When they were insulting and attacking you?

TwistedSwitch if the relationship breaks down between the OP and her inlaws she runs the risk of them pulling away completely which will be damaging for her child in the long run.

Over what? The examples given are not horrendous displays of lack of care or neglect. They aren't worth upsetting someone to the degree the PILs have been.

Perhaps in the short term your DH should visit them without your DS to sort this out. Otherwise you're setting up a pattern for them to have your son at their house without you there - which is surely worse?! There's no way I'd be allowing that.

@AnotherEmma I specifically asked him not to defend me before we went in. The strategy today was to listen to them, let them air their grievances and basically try to deescalate the conflict by only expressing offers of reconciliation in return. I thought it might be easier for them to get over their hurt if we let them blame me, as it's less hurtful being critised by a DIL than a son. I think if DH or I had argued back instead of just remaining calm it would have been even worse...

That was the plan anyway. I don't know how well it worked.

@GreatDuckCookery i did not anticipate how hurt they would be. I anticipated offence, annoyance, an awkward conversation or two. I did not expect days of screaming, sobbing, threats of NC, insults, being blamed for the demise of a family.

OP I didn’t mean you specifically, I was more thinking in general terms...but yes, that’s the choice you can make.

It doesn't cost anything to listen to the parents and follow simple instructions when looking after someone's child. I'm quite blasé about my DD putting things in her mouth, if I was looking after someone else's baby I would respect mums wishes because it's not about me.

OP do you still feel as strongly as you did initially, regarding PILs not looking after Ds while you work now you've seen their reaction?

@GreatDuckCookery I think it's really subjective how bad the displays of care are. If it was those things alone and they'd accepted correction from me I agree it wouldn't rule them out as babysitters.

But it's been a year of MIL repeatedly doing things I find silly and dangerous. A year of her ignoring my concerns and carrying on as she pleases. And now this, this toxic, irrational, punitive, cruel, dramatic reaction. I just can't see a way to leaving my son with them now.

@pictish right of course, sorry I thought you were talking to me

"I thought it might be easier for them to get over their hurt if we let them blame me"

Be very careful about this. They might be hurt or upset by you. But there are lines they cannot cross. You need boundaries in place and you and your husband need to make it clear that certain things are not acceptable. Obviously it's up to you (both) to decide what they are. But the key point is that they owe you a minimum level of respect as their son's wife, the mother of their grandchild - and as a person in your own right. You wouldn't insult them so they don't get to insult you. They get to be upset but they don't get to call you names.

(Take it from someone who has been scapegoated and deeply hurt by her in-laws. You need to stand up for yourself and you need your DH to stand up for you too.)

" family care and involvement will dwindle "

Family care dwindling if kids aren't being looked after as parents wish isn't a bad thing.

If adults choose to not get involved at all because they're not being asked to provide childcare, then they aren't worth bothering with.

But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal

This jumped out at me OP.

Given what you've said about their relationship with others, this was always going to happen. If not on this issue, on others. It was completely inevitable. They sound absolutely unable to compromise or listen to other people's point of view, so unless you are willing to capitulate on everything for the rest of their lives, at some point it was going to come to this. This is no longer about a swipe round the chops with a dishcloth, they are showing you who the really are and it's not pleasant.

@diddl I made a real point today to say that their involvement with DS won't change. We visit with them every week and they play for about two hours. I send them photos and updates everyday. We consult them before planning parties and events etc. we invite them on family trips. They are not excluded from DS's life at all. I just said no to them babysitting during my return to work phase. That was it. I was happy to revisit it down the road when my son is bigger and when they hopefully come around on some safety stuff (I optimistically thought if I kept working on it with them that they would)

But now they've detonated this emotional bomb and I can't see a way to trusting them with childcare anywhere in the near future. Too much damage has been done.

OP, I think you are trying to reason with the unreasonable. My advice: don’t bother.

Leave the ILs to cool down or simmer away and then let DH deal with them. They sound awkward and difficult before you even think about the dishcloth, nappy changing, and xylophone incidents. You don’t trust them to keep your dc safe (and I wouldn’t either) so obviously they won’t get to look after DS.

They probably do feel hurt but you would be negligent to leave your child with people whom you didn’t think would keep him safe. Stick to your guns. If they do decide to go LC/NC then that is their decision and if it is just based on not being allowed to look after DS then they aren’t good grandparents so you do not need them in your lives.

Never in a million years will they move on from this. You have just described how my in-laws react. Its all me me me, how could you, how dare you. Look what you have done. They will never look at their own behavior. Ever. They worry how it will look to others.they are embarrassed.

You did what you thought was right for your son. You were polite, non confrontational, have explained, re inforced the positive, tried to move forward and so on... Its who they are to react like that. This is on them. They won't be adult about it. They won't listen and they sure as hell won't change.

These people aren’t committed to anything other than getting their own way, with the threat of cutting you off if they don’t get it.

It really doesn’t matter why you have gone with another childcare option -that’s entirely up to you. Reasonable people would know this is your choice and they must accept it.

Don’t grovel, negotiate, offer counselling etc....you’ll be living with the threat of their bad behaviour forever.

Send a card and a token gift (chocolates, flowers?) saying, “We remain sorry that our childcare choices have upset you. Please be assured that this doesn’t change your role as grandparents. We hope to see you again soon when you feel able to, when we can all move on from this.” Then STAY away. Just stay away. If the hysterics start up when you see them again, leave, all of you. Don’t reward or entertain this behaviour.

I think you're being very gracious with unbelievably difficult people who have a history of behaving unreasonably towards others. It isn't normal to fall out with so many people; they clearly are the problem.

If you've tried to listen and empathise and all they've done is sneer and behave childishly, I don't know what else you can do.

But I think your safety concerns are paramount here, there is no room for negotiation if they cannot listen and adapt. I'd honestly worry they'd be 'extra' careless out of spite towards you if you did now let them look after him - in a sort of 'we let him do this/isn't she ridiculous to worry/we'll prove her wrong' sort of way (not deliberately harming him of course, I don't mean that). Just that they seem determined to ignore your valid concerns as a parent and unwilling to listen to you reconcile. Equals unfit for childcare. Just be careful what your DH allows when he visits as it could be very undermining if he lets them look after him while he pops to the shop or something. I would be careful not to give them ammunition.