Advice about in-laws and babysitting

[SilverBirchTree]

My in-laws love my one year old very much and he loves them. They are incredibly loving and fun with him.

However- As often as not a visit with them will involve MIL doing something I feel is a bit dangerous or unhygienic with my son. But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal.

For example, in the last two weeks:

She wiped his face and hands with a soiled dish cloth she found in our sink. I’d used it to wipe up raw egg and kitchen spray earlier in the day. She didn’t seem to understand why I asked her to use his baby wipes instead.

On another occasion my son had a wooden xylophone stick in his mouth. She picked him up and play wrestled with him, rolling him around on the floor while was holding the stick in his month. She didn’t seem to understand why I interrupted and took the stick away.

My son has started thrashing around and standing up when his nappy is changed. We change him on a changing table with a seat belt style strap or on a soft mat on the floor so he doesn’t fall or smack his head. She tried to change him on our stone kitchen bench (high off the ground and right next to a ceramic vase, a wine bottle etc). My husband asked her not to.

This is just the last two weeks, but it’s been like this since he was born. I know none of these actions are outrageously negligent. I know lots of parents are more relaxed than I am. But I feel like I’ve spent the last year asking her to be more careful about safety, and she doesn’t take 90% of my concerns on board.

I’ve just returned to work and my mother has offered to watch him one day a week. We have hired a wonderfully qualified nanny for the other days. We did not ask my In laws to babysit purely because MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on safety issues.

It was launched world war three. For days now my in-laws have called DH crying and shouting. They’ve literally said that not being invited to babysit is the worst, most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to them. They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry. They were incredibly hostile towards me in front of my child. They obviously blame me for all of it although my husband and I are in agreement.

If you read this far thank you.

Basically AIBU about this safety stuff? Any advice for me about childcare in this situation? I hate conflict and I am just stunned by the extremity of their reaction and don’t know what to say or do. We are devastated by this rift, and just so overwhelmed.

What a ramble... sorry. Any advice would be amazing.

I never gave/give my in laws any instructions. I just let them get on with it.

Well bully for you

I don't think the fuss is a measure of hurt. They sound self centred and emotionally abusive. Family counselling is a good idea if they will accept, which I doubt as they don't accept any responsibility or criticism. Quite controlling actually.
I think your dh has your back, and the measure of them, which makes me wonder about his childhood, maybe not so idyllic.
Why do people think grandparents are so important that you have to put up with crap? They're not, if they can't be supportive rub them out. It will get divisive and conflicted and harm your child. Always best to have lots of family to love you, but they must roughly be on the same page and not undermine parents without very good reason.
Sorry for your trouble op, don't let these toxic people wear you down

"These people aren’t committed to anything other than getting their own way, with the threat of cutting you off if they don’t get it."

It does seem that way, doesn't it?

If they continue to see your son, then I'm not sure what they would have to moan about tbh.

And I wouldn't dream of telling them if I disagreed with their child care methods. Life is too short to cause such upset and before you know it your kids will be leaving home. Let go of the reins a bit! (Nice mature response btw snuggy )

I'd say stop consulting them re birthdays etc. They clearly think they have the right to dictate to you. You've put boundaries in place, they don't like it, tough, you've shown them that you won't be dictated to.

Sure if my baby fell off a counter and cracked her skull I could just laugh it off as part of her having a good relationship with her grandparents.

Does your dh feel he had a dangerous and neglectful upbringing or did they actually do a half decent job?

Even if they raised her husband safely that does not mean they will automatically do the same with her son! People's ability to safely judge a situation can change. My parents would never have left any of us alone with a dog, however my dad left my 11 month old face to face with their dog (who isn't well trained) and walked off. Completely didn't see the problem. My mom admits that when you aren't around a small child constantly you don't automatically see all the potential dangers anymore. I hate the 'well they raised your husband fine' attitude as that has no bearing on how they will look after their grandchildren.

YANBU at all OP.

That hasn't happened though has it snuggy. For all I know my in-laws may have done that but I wasn't watching them like a hawk

I don't think you should let them blame you. They could use this to work on dividing you and your husband. You have made a joint decision and you need to stand firmly united in this.

Masterandmargarita we aren't all obliged to have blind faith in our child's grandparents just because you do

@Aspergallus flowers and a note is a great idea. Discussing it with DH right now.

Thanks so much

The thing with you making so many consultations regarding your life - it's actually given them the assumption that they are the added on dps imo!
They were never the next generation relatives in their mind but an extention of you +dh and so assumed the right to make their own decisions regarding your ds!
Bloody hell can you imagine free reign while you worked? Sounds like a lucky escape for your ds...

I don't agree, flowers seems like you are apologising. A note is ok, then leave it for a while, let them think about it.,does your dh have siblings, what do they think?

The emotional blackmail and ridiculous tantrums from your PIL seem designed to browbeat you into giving in. It’s little surprise that they have fallen out with many other people- however, it’s not your responsibility to placate their strop by offering your child as a plaything.

It’s understandable that they are disappointed. However, the rational response from them should have been to try to work with you and eliminate the problematic issues. The fact that they have reacted in this manner suggests that they wouldn’t be able to cope rationally with any kind of childcare emergency or challenge, and you would probably Spend your working hours worrying about your baby’s safety.

Yanbu about your safety and hygiene concerns btw. MIL went out of her way to ignore the wipes and get the manky dishcloth, for example - a bit like someone trying to prove a point.

I'd have concerns too. Changing on a high surface and the other things you mentioned aren't trivial.
When I was pregnant with DD my Mum asked if she could look after her some of the time when I went back to work.
Mum and I had a frank conversation before this happened where I pointed out that certain aspects of childcare had changed over the years (as better products come out, more awareness of safety - like how to put babies down to sleep etc) so I wanted to be clear that the baby had to be looked after in ways that I wanted, which might be different to how she had done it. Mum agreed to this.
I know she didn't follow my instructions about the pfb precisely, but I was content that she did on the important things and that a bit of blurring at the edges was fine.
Unfortunately my Mum became less capable to look after DD (due to dementia) so we changed the arrangement so Mum helped with DD whilst my DH worked at home, so they were always in the house together. This worked really well, DH was able to ensure everyone was safe and Mum and DD had some lovely time together.
I think my point in saying this is, I was lucky enough to be able to talk about my concerns with my Mum without her taking it personally and we were able to put in place arrangements that kept everyone safe. My Mum understood, and agreed, that the most important aspect of all of this was what was best for the child, not the adults. Consequently, even with declining health she played a very active part in DD's childhood. Which was lovely for her and DD. I think also, my Mum didn't want me to be anxious or worried about her or the baby.

Also disagree with flowers and apologies. Leave them be until they can start acting like grownups.

I don't agree with the flowers and note either.

They seem incredibly toxic and your DH needs to deal with them and stop you taking the rap for their inability to listen to valid safety issues. If they cut you all off over this then it's their loss.

Hopefully they will calm down and be open to listening themselves..

No to sending them anything like flowers and or a note. You have nothing to apologise for here.

Get yourself a copy of the book Toxic Inlaws OP and stop trying to reason with crazy.

The best thing to come out of this is you and DH being on the same page. Also, given their past history and the hysterical behaviour, take comfort in knowing this was going to happen sooner or later.

To all the people suggesting you’re being in any way precious, it was the OPs DH who was brought up by these people and however a good job they did with him, they unfortunately don’t love and respect HIM enough to listen to his and OPs valid concerns about how their baby is looked after. Stop picking at her when he’s in complete agreement.

You’re doing the right thing by your child OP and childcare arrangements only work when everyone is happy. Don’t pander to their childish nasty behaviour now. They’re the ones causing a rift. They’ve done it before. It was inevitable. Doesn’t make it any easier for you but take a step back and remember you’ve been very kind and reasonable and they’re being neither.

Is your H really giving you the message here that he knows what they as his parents are like but he himself is not ready to deal with them yet if at all.

OP do you hand on heart think your PILs are toxic?

OP, the things you describe I'm your first post are dangerous and the cloth thing is horrible. I have dramatic inlaws like yours, where I get blamed for decisions me and Dh have made. If I were you, I wouldn't be getting involved with this, you and husband made a decision, job done. Let them whine at him for the next ten years. I wouldn't be seeing them until they can show you some respect. I also definitely would not be sending my son around to them without me, it gives the wrong message! Again they can see him when they learn to show you some respect. You need to not give in or you'll be giving intothem for the next 20 years! I would think your relationship is effectively ruined now anyways because how can you forget the horrible things they said, so don't worry about them. Also I don't think grandparents are the be all and end all, lots of kids get on peefectly well without them.

OP, I don't agree that your in laws are toxic. They are upset obviously, and haven't gone about it the right way at all. But toxic is a bit of a stretch.

But I wouldn't give in to them. Firstly, because it'll seem like you thought you were wrong, which you don't. And secondly because those incidents happened all in the last 2 weeks! That's a lot for 2 weeks! Whether or not you are naturally a worrier, they don't seem to have a good enough grasp on safety. And yes it may cause a rift, but if they looked after your child and he got injured it would cause an even bigger one! And you'd never forgive yourself for trusting them in the first place. (And yes, I know the same could happen with OPs parents or a nanny, but she doesn't have any safety concerns with them to begin with).