Advice about in-laws and babysitting

[SilverBirchTree]

My in-laws love my one year old very much and he loves them. They are incredibly loving and fun with him.

However- As often as not a visit with them will involve MIL doing something I feel is a bit dangerous or unhygienic with my son. But I am a worrier by nature and it’s hard for me to judge whether my expectations are normal.

For example, in the last two weeks:

She wiped his face and hands with a soiled dish cloth she found in our sink. I’d used it to wipe up raw egg and kitchen spray earlier in the day. She didn’t seem to understand why I asked her to use his baby wipes instead.

On another occasion my son had a wooden xylophone stick in his mouth. She picked him up and play wrestled with him, rolling him around on the floor while was holding the stick in his month. She didn’t seem to understand why I interrupted and took the stick away.

My son has started thrashing around and standing up when his nappy is changed. We change him on a changing table with a seat belt style strap or on a soft mat on the floor so he doesn’t fall or smack his head. She tried to change him on our stone kitchen bench (high off the ground and right next to a ceramic vase, a wine bottle etc). My husband asked her not to.

This is just the last two weeks, but it’s been like this since he was born. I know none of these actions are outrageously negligent. I know lots of parents are more relaxed than I am. But I feel like I’ve spent the last year asking her to be more careful about safety, and she doesn’t take 90% of my concerns on board.

I’ve just returned to work and my mother has offered to watch him one day a week. We have hired a wonderfully qualified nanny for the other days. We did not ask my In laws to babysit purely because MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on safety issues.

It was launched world war three. For days now my in-laws have called DH crying and shouting. They’ve literally said that not being invited to babysit is the worst, most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to them. They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry. They were incredibly hostile towards me in front of my child. They obviously blame me for all of it although my husband and I are in agreement.

If you read this far thank you.

Basically AIBU about this safety stuff? Any advice for me about childcare in this situation? I hate conflict and I am just stunned by the extremity of their reaction and don’t know what to say or do. We are devastated by this rift, and just so overwhelmed.

What a ramble... sorry. Any advice would be amazing.

Hi I don't think YABU. They seem like small issues...until thé baby has a fall and hurts it's head. If this happens you'd feel awful so you can't really not say something. If it was just one issue I think it would be easier to address but if it's a general ongoing thing which manifests in lots of different ways it shows they just don't see risk in the same way and you would not be comfortable leaving your child with them. I wouldn't either.

Why were they expecting to have the baby one day a week? Unless you told them in a nasty way (doesn't sound like you did!) then their reaction is completely over the top. It is not normal, why would they think you want to leave a baby with someone aggressive and over the top?

I'd be honest and say you just approach saety very differently - you appreciate everyone does things their own way buy you know you would both spend the whole day worrying. But reiterate you want them to still have a close relationship and happy to still have lots of visits etc. There isn't much more you can do

Tbh I’d be upset if my child didn’t want me to look after dgc. I understand your reasons why but they are having an emotional reaction.

Do you see PIL as much as your DM? Do they ever get any time along with dgc, even if only an hour or two? Who babysits if you and DH go out? Perhaps they are feeling uninvolved generally which has led to the overreaction.

@masterandmargarita they did a beautiful job raising my husband. I told them so today. It's not a judgment of their parenting at all, it's that I have a different approach and I want (at least in these very early days!) care givers who share my approach in relation to safety concerns. Our nanny is a cautious, diligent, trained caregiver. My mum is more over cautious than I am. I feel like if they are there I can walk out the door and concentrate on my work all day, because they are there worrying about my son on my behalf. If that makes sense.

YANBU if you'd posted that you didn't feel comfortable with a nursery or childminder people would say go with your gut, you've got to feel comfortable with who looks after your baby.

I missed your update - I wouldn’t want them doing the odd bit of childcare based on that either.

Yuk. The dish cloth thing is disgusting. You know your child and what is and isn’t safe. As they cannot see the error of their ways, I’d be worrying that once walking they’d let him run off and get hit by a car or not register a serious injury/ illness.

Have you clearly told them you didn’t ask them to babysit because they ignore your safety concerns?

I agree to withdraw for a while. Supervised access rant free only.

@AmIRightOrAMeringue When I was pregnant they once said they would love to watch him one day a week when I went back to work. I said 'wonderful!' Thinking, how great, free loving childcare.

But since my baby was born we've just had this dynamic of them ignoring me and MIL being casual (in my view, I know it's a personal horses-for-courses type thing) about safety.

Neither they nor we raised childcare arrangements since, and they haven't babysat him while we went out since he was a few months old.

So they expected to look after him, and that's on us for not correcting them on this earlier. But TBH I think they would have just exploded earlier if we had.

YANBU.. obviously a child is the most precious thing you have and if they don’t agree with the same safety things as you then you were right to not ask..

They are also “crying” about not being asked... did they even offer when they knew you were going back to work? I had a family member who cried about not getting to babysit my DC but yet they never offered once, so frustrating!

I agree with you and don't think you are OTT. I think though that as you have mentioned the safety concerns to her before and you say she hasn't taken 90% of it on board, it might have been easier to come up with another reason you made this decision so it doesn't cause upset. Being told you can't trust them to keep DS safe was never going to go down well. To be fair it's hard to think of a fake reason though!

As an aside, why was the raw egg cloth in the sink? Someone could easily have used it to then wipe surfaces or wash dishes which is also unhygienic. Surely that should have been binned? I don't think it's entirely fair to say she should have known that was such a hazard.

They say they don’t think they can forgive us and that we have fractured the family. We visited them to try and make peace but they continued to attack, shout, insult and cry.

Never mind your safety concerns (which sound reasonable to me) - I wouldn’t want hysterical, manipulative, sulky behaviour around my child. I wouldn’t want them to see that when we don’t get our own way, we lash out verbally and try to hurt others. And I wouldn’t want them to see that I as a parent accept that behaviour from anyone (if your child sees you accept tantrums from other adults, why shouldn’t they expect you to accept tantrums, deliberate attacks and sulking from them?).

So I think their crap reaction to your reasonable decision is reason enough. I try and make sure the relationships my little boy witnesses are kind and respectful so he grows up knowing how to negotiate and compromise and listen.

I feel your pain. My DMused to mind my DS when he was a baby, but over the last few years she has become unwell mentally and physically so we don't let her mind him. This has caused countless arguments. Every argument is then forgotten in a few days, and happens again. She's even bought a booster seat for her car despite us telling her she is not having him in her car (she had a crash which can only be explained by her not paying attention although she denies it). I can only suggest you stick to your guns. Your child, your rules. They have a right to disagree and be upset, but not to act out in front of your DS. My DM used to do this too which caused my DS to pull away from her as he thought she was "being mean to Mummy". Maybe tell them that their behaviour might have a flow on effect and affect their relationship with your DS.

Playing with him is pretty similar to looking after him. That may be why they are upset too, as it may look a tad hypocritical.

I'm not criticising your right to make the decision without histrionics, but you may want to bear in mind that nannies can get sick quite a lot (and so can their boyfriends, if my past experience is anything to go by).

Don't let your in-laws emotionally blackmail! Once they find out that works they'll do it with increasing intensity every time.
Wiping a face with a washcloth is vile.
It's your baby and your choice. As you can't trust them this would make leaving him in their care while you're at work way too stressful. Also as they already ignore you as they get more responsibility they'll probably do things you don't agree with even more.
Stick to your guns.

YANBU

They’re not listening to you or willing to take on board any of your - legitimate- concerns and are having a massive tantrum. Ignore them until they calm down

@upthewolves I fully accept IAU for leaving the dish cloth in the sink. I was in a rush making scones for their visit and didn't have time to clean up before they arrived. I did not expect anyone else to go in the kitchen during their visit, and especially didn't expect someone to walk past our many containers of wipes on their way there.

I so sorry OP. I really do sympathise. I had an amazing relationship with my MIL before my son was born and I did not expect it to change the way it did. The hardest part for me is knowing that she doesn't take any notice of me when I ask her not to do things the way she does. Just the other day I had to explain why she couldn't use an old car seat her friend had for my little boy. She said 'it's old but works just fine, there's just no straps' WTF!!!! She looked at me like I was crackers when i objected. I can't see it getting any better but we have at least managed to keep the relationship civil. I really hope your PIL will realise it's in their best interest to calm down and come to some sort of compromise with you because, for all their faults, my little boy does get a lot out if spending time with his grandparents without me or his dad there. I hope things work out for you OP xx

I think the fact that they’ve chosen to have the screaming ab-dabs rather than take your concerns on board and try to be a bit more mindful with your son, shows that they’re not ready to be left with your son.

It sounds like there’s a bit of a power struggle going on. Your PILS need to accept that you and your partner are the parents here, and that you do make the rules with regards to your own son- whether they think they need tellling or not.

I’m sure they don’t want to your son hurt anymore than you do- but it is a genuine risk all the time they’re trying to spite your advice, rather than listen to you telling them about your son’s care needs.

Fair enough OP. I do agree with what a pp said, I wouldn't wash my own face with a dishcloth in someone's sink, raw egg or not.

I do think some people don't think of babies as 'people' in the way they should.

Hmm...although their reaction seems OTT, I think they have taken your concerns over safety issues as a firm fuck you then responded accordingly. It is a fuck you and they are hurt.

My friend's daughter died after falling from a worktop whilst having her nappy changed. Obviously a freak accident but nappy changes with a wriggly baby are done on the floor for a reason. There's no way I would leave my baby with these people - the dirty cloth would have done it for me, let alone the other stuff.

I was ready to think you were being over protective but I don't think you are. Actually my best friend was like this - she couldn't have her own children and would love to look after my kids - but have absolutely no sense of harm. Example - she let my son "play" with a full size beach deckchair when he was 4 - obviously it collapsed and he pinched his fingers badly because they can be tricky even for adults. There were many instances (who lets a 2 year old have a glass outside in the garden?!) and in the end I spoke with her husband who had also spotted the problem! We agreed it would be horrible to not let her have them (for her) so he would always be there too to help. She regarded any accidents as "minor scrapes that happen whilst they are growing up".

Back to your issue - if you haven't told them why you don't want your ILs to have them I wouldn't. Just say you have hired a nanny to look after them, you are absolutely not preventing your iLs from seeing them and go on repeat with that. You just feel you shouldn't have to constantly rely on them. I actually think your ILs are fortunate - many grandparents struggle to look after kids but are kind of almost forced to because childcare is needed and it's so expensive. This then prevents them taking holidays/doing their own thing, taking days out for them etc. Good luck but stick to your guns, but do follow up on your ILs spending time with them.

@pictish yes I think that's exactly how they took it. I guess I'm just trying to navigate how to fix it without compromising on my son's safety or rewarding them for throwing a tantrum.

Did she even rinse the cloth though with hot water before using it?

Changing on a kitchen surface seems odd in any event!

It's a shame that they have reacted the way they have.

Would you have trusted them anyway though when they have done things like that with you there?

@diddl I've struggled with this decision for months. I've been trying to be more and more explicit with MIL about my safety concerns, hoping she would come to me on the issue. I wanted us to get to a place where I felt comfortable leaving my son with her.

But she just doesn't listen or change her behaviour. She doesn't understand my perspective at all. It's not malicious but she just doesn't get it and doesn't think she has anything to learn.

I tried really hard to trust her, but week after week after week she would do something that makes me so uneasy about him. If I left him with her my mind would be going ballistic all day, worrying about what nutty thing she would be doing at home. I just couldn't do it.

Look, people used to do all sorts with their babies...wiping with a dishcloth is the least of it. Not everyone has caught up with how...specific...we are these days when it comes to looking after babies. People didn’t used to have research and authors and the internet and parenting forums and statistics and parenting trends and the endless fucking judgement. People just bashed on and took care of their babies however they saw fit...and the vast majority made it just fine.

These people will not understand why they are being banned from looking after their grandchild owing to doing the same things they did with their own kids. They will take it as a giant snub.