Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against FIL's wishes

164 replies

Reevesandmortimer · 16/11/2018 20:31

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 16/11/2018 20:35

I would say you were entirely wrong to discuss his condition with anyone knowing it was against his wishes.

TyneTeas · 16/11/2018 20:36

I can understand why you needed support yourself, but I do think FiL has the right for his condition to be kept private, did you need to share the specifics?

Sorry OPFlowers

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 16/11/2018 20:36

I'm sorry to hear about your fil. I'm currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer and although I can understand his point of view, I think it would be a lot easier for those around him if they could al least tell people he is having hospital treatment. Maybe compromise and not say what? That could then enable his support system to have some support themselves.

Cynara · 16/11/2018 20:39

I'm with Cherry, I think that discussing this was a breach of confidence.

CherryPavlova · 16/11/2018 20:39

I say that having been through and continuing to have breast cancer treatment. At diagnosis I didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted my children who were in the middle of public exams protected for a few weeks until after their last exam. I certainly didn’t want to be talked about or my relationships to be changed because of my diagnosis. I worked through treatment and only told my immediate manager and two close colleagues. I don’t think my mother in law knows to this day.
I’d have poured boiling oil over my husband if he didn’t respect my wishes on the subject.

greendale17 · 16/11/2018 20:42

YABVU-

No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this

^You say there was no real reason to tell you mum. So why did? It was not your news to tell. Keep your mouth shut next time

cheesefield · 16/11/2018 20:51

YABU.

AdalindShade · 16/11/2018 21:07

I'm going to go agains the grain here, and say that if you said he was in hospital and you were worried without going into specifics YANBU. His illness will take a toll on your mental health and if you are expected to remain healthy and strong for your DH and DCs you may well need a shoulder to lean on. It's not like you were having a random gossip to the postman.

Original poster
Reevesandmortimer · 16/11/2018 21:15

Thank you for commenting. Looks like DH is right. For background, as I say I am from a family of sharers so it feels really normal for me. Also I have a difficult relationship with FIL, as I find him controlling. And MIL needs a lot of support from us, which I do find stressful, and DH has some denial so he doesn't like to talk about his dad. So that's maybe why my judgment has been off here. But I do take your comments on board, and looks like I will have to find a different way of managing this emotionally. Um...any ideas?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2018 21:18

You are completely, totally, 100% in the wrong. There is no gray area here. You were asked to keep a private medical condition private, yet chose to share it because it made YOU feel better. Is keeping your mouth shut really so hard?

Batteriesallgone · 16/11/2018 21:23

Can you just keep it super vague, like, someone in DH’s family is ill, MIL is worried, she was phoning us through the night. And then make it clear you need support in how to deal with that kind of strain without revealing anything about who is ill, where they are etc.

I also think it’s fine to be honest and say you can’t provide much support if you are not then allowed to go and decompress elsewhere. I don’t know if your DH’s ‘denial’ you refer to means he’s not supporting MIL much in which case it’s down to you? I would be withdrawing from the role of primary support for MIL if I wasn’t allowed to deal with the difficulties of that in my own way.

Moussemoose · 16/11/2018 21:23

Discussing the details is a breach of confidence. Saying Fil is ill and I need to do x or y for him is not.

You are allowed to talk about your actions and your emotions he can't put a ban on that. You can discuss what you are doing and feeling it is totally unreasonable to have to support him but not get any support yourself.

Fil wants support from his close relatives but you can't get any. Nonsense.

Don't discuss the details and the diagnoses but you can talk about your actions and emotions.

Dollymixture22 · 16/11/2018 21:23

It was selfish of you to break this confidence. Your FIL should be in charge of who knows his medical business, not you.

You have totally dismissed his wishes because you think you know better.

Chickychoccyegg · 16/11/2018 21:25

I don't think you were unreasonable, to me it seems strange that level of secrecy, not like you were just gossiping, if I were you I would continue to talk to your mum (without telling dh) as long s you can trust your mum not to tell anyone else, after all you need support too

Moussemoose · 16/11/2018 21:27

Absolute rubbish. Giving details is breaking a confidence saying you have to visit someone in hospital is merely discussing your actions.

shutlingsloe · 16/11/2018 21:27

I know how you feel OP, it's horrible.

My ddad did this and it made it so, so much harder for everyone else. My dc were damaged the most by it. I really feel for you.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/11/2018 21:28

I can understand why you wanted to tell your Mum, and think it's a huge expectation for you both to provide a lot of support yet not even mention it to anyone. Your dh is probably over reacting because he is upset.

shutlingsloe · 16/11/2018 21:31

I just remember the endless lying to people about where we were when we'd been visiting, it was so, so hard.

Fwiw my dmum saw how it affected all of us and was horrified by how many ripples it causes - dsil having to lie to her mum when she'd been hospital visiting, not being able to ask for help with childcare when you needed it etc., just made it all so difficult.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 16/11/2018 21:32

The fact you need support to in turn support your dh meant you turned to your alternative support system - (Can't burden dh since it's his df) Presumably your dm won't be asking fil about his illness?
Imo your dm isn't 'anyone'.
Ywnbu imo.

Mascarponeandwine · 16/11/2018 21:32

I’m torn here. My mother told several of her relatives about my miscarriage way before I was ready for the wider world to know, and for me to have to cope with their thoughts and emotions on the subject. It felt like she got the support she needed while throwing me under the emotional bus.
On the other hand you are not obliged to be your MIL’s support system. Can you pull back a bit and refer specifics to DH?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/11/2018 21:34

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry

In view of this, perhaps your DH is worried that your DM will now blab the details all round the family? Telling just one person in the hope of support is all very well, but perhaps unwise if the listener isn't terrible discreet

I agree with PPs that in future it would be better to keep what you share to the bare minimum needed

Scatteredthoughtss · 16/11/2018 21:34

I agree, I'm not sure you broke the confidence either. Had he been in hospital with appendicitus or a bad case of flu, it would have impacted on your life. I think that you get to tell people that he is ill to the extent upon which it affects you. You don't have to pretend he is healthy and all is well. You don't have to enter into the details of his illness either, as you have a family that communicates well, you can just explain that he doesn't want to be discussed but this is why you are having to spend more time with MIL etc.

Pinkprincess1978 · 16/11/2018 21:34

I've shared things with my mum that were private but I needed my mums support. So long as your mum doesn't share then it shouldn't be an issue.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 16/11/2018 21:40

I think it's a very grey area tbh.

On one hand I agree that whomever the person suffering the illness has the right to privacy.

But on the other hand the logistics of keeping something like that a secret are quite hard.

AdalindShade · 16/11/2018 21:40

OP, on thinking about this I'm actually a bit cross on your behalf. So FIL gets support from his wife and children, your DH gets support from you. Where exactly are you allowed to get support from? Are you just supposed to cope with everyone else's worry and have no outlet for your own? How unreasonable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread