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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against FIL's wishes

164 replies

Reevesandmortimer · 16/11/2018 20:31

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 17/11/2018 09:55

Posted too soon. The fact is that you need support sometimes in order to be able to be strong for the people who are going through it.

springydaff · 17/11/2018 09:59

Well said Lizzie.

Do the kids know that grandpa might die? Or is it going to be a massive shock because you're not allowed to tell?

SuperSuperSuper · 17/11/2018 10:05

I'm sorry about FIL - how awful. Could you talk to your manager at work? There's an expectation of confidentiality there that doesn't exist with your "sharer" family. A pp also mentioned the Samaritans, which would be a good idea.

I think that you need to reiterate to your mother that she must not gossip about this because that would cause significant problems with DH - hopefully it's not too late.

bullyingadvice2017 · 17/11/2018 11:10

Both my inlaws had, and then died of cancer. Both insisted that no one should know and it must be top secret. All the while they were piling question after question on my dh. He works in hospital field. It was so majorly stressful and made everything so much worse than it needed to be. So dh could have no support and when they died it was a huge shock. They didn't tell us anything about what they wanted for a funeral etc.

I am sorry to say that is the issue that caused my lovely dh to descend into severe mental health issues. Multiple admissions, suicide attempts, and ultimately alcoholism causing the end of our marriage.

All because no one must know and what would the neighbours think attitude. I find the selfishness too much.
The people left behind pay the price.

KristinaM · 17/11/2018 13:46

All because no one must know and what would the neighbours think attitude. I find the selfishness too much. The people left behind pay the price

Well said.

greendale17 · 17/11/2018 13:48

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OffToBedhampton · 17/11/2018 13:54

Well said @Lizzie48. FlowersFlowers

And @bullyingadvice2017 FlowersFlowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/11/2018 13:54

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Lizzie48 · 17/11/2018 14:44

@Puzzledandpissedoff

What she means, I think, is that there was no practical reason to tell her. That doesn't mean that she didn't need emotional support from her DM.

And the fact that her DM will talk to all and sundry about her own medical complaints doesn't mean that she would betray her daughter's confidence.

I think the OP's mistake was telling her DH that she had told her DM.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/11/2018 15:40

You could well be right, @Lizzie48 ... there's no way of telling from OP's posts, though if she felt a desperate need to unload on someone I kind of think she'd have said so

Not sure I can agree about the DM telling anyone else though. We can only go by our own experiences, and in mine those who blab tend to do it with everyone - maybe even more so when the subject isn't someone they're particularly close to, so they can say "I wasn't to know ..."

treaclesoda · 17/11/2018 15:59

Wow, calling someone who has cancer a drama queen. What a nasty little person you area.

I think that's a really strange thing to say. Of course some people who have cancer are drama queens. If they were drama queens before they had cancer they'll still be a drama queen if they are ill. Cancer doesn't have some magical property that turns people into perfect humans battling against a cruel turn of fate. They're still the same people they always were. They might change as a result of their illness, many people do, but being a cancer patient in itself doesn't preclude being a drama queen.

OldBean2 · 17/11/2018 16:00

OK, I can see it from both sides. For people with cancer, they find that very quickly they lose control of all the things that they once could regulate, things are done unto them and often, they will keep their diagnosis private, so that they have at least one thing that they can control.

As to telling your mum, I can understand why you told her, you are obviously both discreet women and there is no reason why you should not have support, too. When my sister took a similar stance when my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year, I am glad I told my two best friends because they were there when she died six weeks later.

Mouseville65 · 17/11/2018 16:15

I actually hate it when someone tells you something and then says 'but you Carnt tell anyone'. I tell my mum (and my best friends) everything. So if someone says to me 'Iv got something to tell you but you Carnt tell anyone' I always reply if that includes my mum then don't tell me.

Why shouldn't we have a choice in not only the information we receive but also who we speak to about how we feel about it??

agentdaisy · 17/11/2018 16:46

I think YABU as you gave your mum specific details of the diagnosis. Ime people who tell all and sundry about their own medical issues aren't shy of discussing other people's medical issues either.

My lovely nan was like your family and would tell strangers on the bus all about her medical issues, that's fine it's her private issues, but she'd also talk about medical issues of other people. I went through some really difficult mental health issues as a young teen and I was devastated when I found out she'd been discussing them with other people, both more distant family and strangers on the bus. It was my private information that I didn't want discussed with anyone outside my immediate family, including aunts on my nan's side as they'd also discuss medical issues with any- and everyone.

I get that you needed some emotional support from you mum but you had no right to discuss your fil's private information without his consent. You could have spoken in general terms with your mum without specifics of who and what their diagnosis is.

The problem is that now you've told your mum you have no way of knowing who she has shared this information with even if she says she hasn't.

puppymouse · 17/11/2018 17:21

My MiL never found out my DM had cancer. Privacy and a very vague shared acquaintance set who DM didn't want knowing or gossiping about it. I understand you wanting to offload but you have to respect someone's privacy.

springydaff · 17/11/2018 18:26

The responses on here seem dramatically polarised :

Either
Shut up as tight as a gnats arse
or
Blab to all and sundry

Just because someone is happy to divulge their own situation doesn't mean they are not also able to act with integrity and decorum when it comes to someone else's situation. Talking freely about our own information doesn't make someone a blabbermouth.

DeadGood · 18/11/2018 06:40

“The truth is that when you're supporting family members going through a very hard time, it's normal to need to offload on someone close. That isn't the same as gossip.”

Completely agree.

If FIL was so insistent on secrecy, maybe he should have kept it from the OP. Or would that be too difficult? Hmm

Alienspaceship · 18/11/2018 06:58

Deadgod - you’ve nailed it.

Mokepon · 18/11/2018 07:01

It's very sad but I think YANBU.

PIL want your support on their terms, which is not fair on you. I think they and your DH are being unreasonable to expect you not to discuss it, which of course you could do without discussing specifics but still.

However, there is the old quote, horribly insensitive under these circumstances, but if you want 2 people to keep a secret one of them needs to be 6 feet under. It's a difficult position to be in, OP but if I were you I wouldn't feel bad for talking to your mum.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/11/2018 07:12

You can say mil phoned at 4 5 6 but not say why. You can say you drove to the hospital but can’t say why. You can explain to your family that you’ve been asked not to discuss details if asked.

Personally I think it’s rediculous though. You need support also if you’re carrying them through this

ittakes2 · 18/11/2018 07:15

Yes, sorry, in the nicest possible way you are making it about you. It’s not surprising he wanted his son to know and agreed to you knowing so you can support his son. You are disrespecting his wishes telling your mum. Your husband’s father is very sick and your husband needs support. Ask him what he needs as you are currently thinking about what you need.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/11/2018 07:15

Maybe let DH take all the responsibility and step back so you feel less of a burden.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 18/11/2018 07:16

Ittakes2 is basicly saying shut up and suck it up. You don’t matter.

Lizzie48 · 18/11/2018 08:35

*'...in the nicest possible way...'
*
I hate the way this phrase, it invariably precedes the poster saying something that isn't nice at all.

With her MIL ringing them at all hours of the night, how is it not about her??? Hmm

orangejuicer · 18/11/2018 08:41

You all have tough times ahead Flowers

I don't think YWBU.