To go against FIL's wishes

[Reevesandmortimer]

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

No I don't think you should have shared this with your mum. If your FIL has asked you not to discuss his condition with anyone then I think you should have respected that. He doesn't want anyone to know - please don't tell him you have told your mum - that will make it worse.

@Reeves I'm going against the tide here and saying I think your in your rights to speak to your mum. I'm also from a family that shares, my mum is my best friend. DH's mum was diagnosed with a life limiting condition and had a similar request that only close family know. I told my mum. I needed the support! My mum never has and never will say anything to her. My DH doesn't mind that I told her, he knows i tell her everything!

I can fully understand why you needed to talk to your mum. It must be very difficult.
If you were told to keep something secret from your DH would those who think you were unreasonable feel differently? You need support too.

Whether OP has broken confidence or not, or been in the wrong or not, it’s possible to comment to that effect without being horrible. Saying “Keep your mouth shut next time” is just plain rude.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him
Can I just clarify - is this all that you said to your Mum (which seems perfectly reasonable to me) or did you actually go into details of your FIL's condition (which doesn't, as that really would be breaking his confidence)? As you say, if you need emergency childcare, it's helpful if your Mum is aware of the issue - but not specifics.

Your poor fil. He’s either seriously ill at best or terminally ill at worst. Why you wouldn’t respect his wishes is beyond me. I’d be raging if I was your DH.

I would be absolutely livid if I had asked people to keep something secret, and one of them broke that trust. If I were FIL, I would be much less likely to share any such information with you in the future, as I would think you couldn't be trusted.

Whether or not FIL is a nice man generally he has the right to expect you not to run your mouth when expressly asked not to. It’s private medical information and you had no need or right to share it.

I actually think you are both right.

The idea that your MIL can't talk to anyone, incl her friends about it means she is in her own and tbh it’s crap.
Same for you. You are supporting your FIL and your DH. Totally normal for you to get some support too.

At the same time, your FIL is right to want some privacy if he wants.

For me, the half way is for you to talk about it but with a little details as possible. So maybe that your FIL was in hops and you unwere worried but wo saying exactly what has happened iyswim.

I've been where your FIL is. People see the disease not the person. I wanted privacy. My inlaws didn't know and still don't what happened, t's been done and clear for 2 years now, because they are gossips. Not because they actually care, they are just gossips, and I didn't want people like that knowing my private business.

You were totally out of order and you owe you FIL a big apology. Do not talk about him again.

Of course YABU. Your family are not his immediate family - why should they know? It’s not something to discuss over a cake and a coffee you know - it’s cancer. Your family may talk about illness but your husbands family does not - you disrespected that so I can see why he is cross with you - I would be too. What a breach of trust by his own wife. I would be very wary about sharing medical information with you in the future - if i was your DH. Sorry OP 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

People can't tie you to secrecy at your expense. It is kind to keep the secrets that you can and wise, in any case, to be circumspect about who you do confide in. But you have a right to talk about your life and the stresses you have.

Of course, people may choose not to tell you anything else in the future if they find you have shared things they would rather were kept quiet, but if they expect you to bear the burden of their secrets, that might be for the best.

My fil was like this in similar circumstances. Many of his friends hadn't realised he was sick until he died. It robbed my MIL of a lot of support and help at a time when she could really have used it. Yes it was his illness and his privacy so we all respected it but the truth was it was her life too that was massively affected - she more or less nursed him for months in and out of hospital and she had to keep that buttoned up. I don't think it was fair.

I don't think it is fair for your fil to expect his wife not to tell her sister or her close friends. But if that is what he wants, not sure what you can do.

I'm going to go against the tide here and say yanbu.

There is no reason to share the specifics of his illness with anyone, however as you are supporting your mil and DH I don't think it's at all unreasonable to tell your own dm that he's unwell. Especially if she will be needed to provide childcare at short notice.

If she would broadcast it and pester him then that's different but from what you've said I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Hugs OP - have similar extremes between mine and DPs family. For what it's worth in your situation I would likely have given my mother a short non-specific update that DFIL was unwell too.

when men especially those who are reserved chaps get prostate cancer they can feel that it is - to be blunt - a humiliating thing to go through - it affects them physically and emotionally, in ways that they don't want others to look at them & wonder if that's is how it affects them. I know that its your dm but you have to understand how hard your fil might find this - he may well feel that this is an intensively private/personal thing - so I can understand why your dh may be unhappy about you doing this.

If your FIL likes to be in control he will be struggling, - cancer is hellish for anyone, and it often involves complete loss of control over what is happening to you and you body and you have to surrender yourself to and trust in your HCP's to get you through it. Loss of control can lead to feelings of panic, loss of confidence - especially awful for someone who tries to keep a hold of everything in their life.

How you feel about it and whether you want to discuss it is totally personal, and can be anything from wanting to talk about it with everyone, to not discussing it with anyone. And these feeling can change over time - your FILs wishes may change bit for now he has let you know what they are.

You go through all sorts of emotional stages - grief, denial, anger - he'll be feeling all these things, his future is uncertain and frightening, The one thing he can keep a grip on is who knows about his illness, and how he handles it. Cancers that affect specifically male or female body parts carry a huge emotional impact -things like losing a breast, or becoming impotent from treatment strike at the very heart of how we fell about ourselves our identity our femaleness or maleness. Some drug treatments for prostate cancer are hormonal and men often experience symptoms of a 'female' menopause- hot flushes etc. For many men, especially older generation men these things are very hard to cope with.

You need to respect his wishes and allow him to deal with this horrible illness in his way.

You had absolutely no right to ignore his wishes, I can see why your Dh is upset, he's not overreacting - it's actually a pretty upsetting thing to have done. Your Mum doesn't need to know, - that is encroaching on his privacy and dignity - who might your Mum tell and who might they then tell ? And no good saying you told your Mum not to tell anyone - you were told not to tell anyone but you did anyway.

Your need for support doesn't trump your FIL's needs. If you want support you can call a cancer helpline anonymously and find out how best you can support your FIL and respect his desire for privacy. there are lots of good leaflets from Cancer charities that explain some of the emotions cancer patients go through, how to talk with cancer patients ,- and ultimately the advice generally comes down to 'take your lead from the patient'.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind.

For me, this is the crucial part of your post. I have every sympathy for anyone who is struggling to keep things together when it comes to providing support to a loved one who is ill, but by your own admission, this was not the case on this particular occasion.

If you were struggling, I think there would be a case for speaking to your husband and explaining how you feel and asking his advice, rather than just blurting it out to your mum and by doing so, you've sort of proved his point. You agreed not to say anything, or at least didn't raise an objection when it was discussed and then went ahead and shared anyway. How can he be sure your mum won't do the same?

When people don't want their private medical details shared, it's usually about having some degree of control over a situation that is otherwise completely out of their control, so giving your husband the chance to speak to his dad, or to make the decision on his behalf to work out a way that you can all cope would have been far more considerate and show more understanding of your father-in-law's position.

I can understand that fil,doesn’t want his condition gossiped to all and sundry. However, to tell,your mum that he was in hospital and is poorly I think is fine. Perhaps,without going into specifics.

It’s a shame that mil can’t lean on her friends for support either.

Imo YANBU. If your mum is not someone he has regular contact with and she knows not to say anything then no harm comes from it. She doent need to know exactly what he is Ill with but knowing you are having to deal with this as a family gives her the opportunity to support you and gives you the strength to support those who also need it.
You didn't hide it from your husband either and it would have been easier to have turned to your mum and never tell him which shows you are an honest person.
You're not gossiping about him with random people or people you can't trust.
In an ideal world we'd all be moral and keep the secret but YNBU to do what I think most people would do.

I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me.

That would be your dh and include your il's surely.
Why does your dm need to know? especially as the patient is requesting privacy.
Oh, nd it's not about You and what you need.

I don't think yabu in the slightest and tbh my mum would(and is)be ny sounding board in regards to fil too. His illness is not exclusive to them, it does affect you too.

I think you're out of order.
Imagine your mother had an intimate illness, asked for privacy and your husband told his dad about it. How would you react?

YANBU.

You didn’t get a choice about whether you were going to get taken into this confidence or not. You weren’t asked if you wanted to know, if you would be able to keep a secret.

Your FIL is being unreasonable. It’s sad he is in this position. I understand he wants privacy. But if he really wanted complete privacy, the only people who would know are the medical professionals connected with his treatment.

He has chosen to share his condition beyond that. He doesn’t get to decide how other people should handle that.

Why keep it secret though? It's cancer not an embarassing tattoo. Poor MIL. FIL is being selfish and that's the nicest word I can think of.

I think you're about to have a DH problem though OP. The conflict is only going to escalate between you and DH as the situation goes on. Best to try and talk it out now before it gets any crazier.