To go against FIL's wishes

[Reevesandmortimer]

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

It's difficult op. My parents didn't want anyone told my mother was ill, so I didn't. She died, quickly. A lot of their friends got a bloody nasty shock when they heard and K had to field a lot of 'I wish I'd known's. The terrible thing is, my mother would probably have hugely benefited from the love and attention after her initial reluctance.

Having said all that, all you can really do here is keep quiet to your DH and his family. I suspect that subconsciously they're thinking that if they tell as few people as possible then they can make it Not Be Happening.

This wasn't your news to share, you should respect your fil's wishes for privacy. The fact you say you had no real reason to tell your mum suggests you were telling her more out of just wanting a gossipy chat. Whether or not you find your fil controlling doesn't matter, this is his business to keep private, not for you to share. I'd be annoyed with you too.

you can be vague and say 'fil not well' and leave it at that ... is that would suffice with your family?

Not sure how it matters if it sufficed for them or not? OP said they "love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry" so they may well be disappointed not to get all the details, but that doesn't mean they're entitled to them - especially as OP had "no real reason to tell her"

Cancer is a hand grenade thrown into your life and it’s fallout affects all the relationships you have with others. I’m a breast cancer survivor-I’m not ashamed of it and it’s going to be really hard for the FIL to explain his physically ill appearance when he’s had surgery and chemo and radiation-paleness,weight loss,isolation from other sick people, time spent at doctor appointments. His forbidding his family from communicating about his status is selfish because the cancer affects all the family members. Perhaps the DH can broach the subject with FIL as concern about his mother coping. Maybe he doesn’t realize his isolation is affecting the family.

I'm in the minority here too, but I think he can only demand nobody says anything to anyone if he is going through something he can manage without impacting upon anyone.
If the OP is being woken at 4am, 5am and 6am because of the situation, then it impacts upon her, and how she chooses to deal with that is up to her. She wasn't announcing it on Facebook, she was having a chat with her Mum about how tired she was, or whatever, she knows she can say to her Mum 'he doesn't want people knowing' and her Mum won't go around chatting about it.

Also, I did tell my mum that he had prostate cancer when he was diagnosed a couple of years ago, before I knew how strictly private he wanted to be. DH then told me he wouldn't want other people to know so I asked her not to ever mention that she knew, and we haven't particularly discussed it until things have become worse lately.

Sympathy to those who have been through similar, from either side of the fence. Cancer sucks, and the ripples run outwards :-(

Just to give some perspective from the other side. My mil tells everyone about all my medical issues and it drives me insane. It feels really intrusive and there is nothing worse than a pensioner you’re only on nodding terms with stopping you to commiserate about your dreadful illness. I and my husband have asked her repeatedly not to tell people and she still does it. The solution is that now she gets absolutely no information at all about any of our business. Health, financial, kids. Nothing. It’s upsetting as well because although she drives me insane, I really do love her.

I can help thinking that it's a bit off to burden someone with something like this but then forbid them for sharing that load with others. Especially MIL. I think it's cruel to deny her the support of her friends.

Tbf when my mother was ill I did discuss it with DH, and his family, and my friends too; we just live so far away from my family (and don't socialise with any of my parents' friends) that it was possible for me to get away with it. I really feel for you if you're being asked to keep a huge secret that obviously impacts on the rest of your life and is raising questions in others, though. That's really unreasonable of him to ask, but I suspect (as I said before) he just wants it to not be happening - that makes us do odd things.

Sorry op, it sounds really hard.

I love my mum, but she knows nothing about my medical condition, she is like your family and shares everything. When I first found out I was pregnant, I told her, less than 24 hours later, my cousin phoned me to congratulate me.

It drives me nuts and I am not a very private person.

Having said that I do think your FIL is BU, but it all depends whether they will keep their mouths shut. My family would't, I tell my mum and within a week my 5th cousin 6 times removed will have heard the news

I asked her not to ever mention that she knew

In view of what you said about the family talking to "all and sundry", are you aware of whether or not she's spread the news to anyone else?

FWIW I think you've made a sensible decision to only talk about this in future if it's really necessary, Maybe, though, it would be worth preparing a few answers for if you're pushed for too much detail?

YANBU and I think our maud has hit the nail on the head. It's a two way street.

You need your mum for support when things are stressful. If your FIL wants things to be totally secret he can't expect you to share his burden.

You told your mum
You’re one big family by marriage
You didnt give away any details
Of course you should be able to confide in your mum if you were worried
Like a PP stated.... you might need her on standby for childcare etc

I think the mistake you made OP is that you told your DH that you'd talked to your mum about it.

This definitely. Your DH wouldn't have known that you'd told your DM if you hadn't told him you had.

Yes I can see why some posters might see it as a breach of confidence, although the outrage expressed was unnecessary. Including that poster just saying YABU! (That really irritates me, can't you put your head above the parapet and say why??)

IMO, what the OP told her DM was vague enough for it not really to be a major issue.

YANBU OP. I'm.going to.disagree with your DH and many of the PP on here.

You were worried frantic about your FIL and you didn't disclose what it was. And your DM knows not to say anything and won't.

That's your DM and if you are close it is natural to tell her what is on your mind. You were very discrete and didn't say what. I understand you DH is worried that your DM may share it and you can reassure him she wont.

My DParents are very private. My DDad had prostrate cancer that went aggressive and I was beside myself. He's fine now after some quite argh treatment and I was banned from saying anything to anyone, Dad didn't want anyone to know not even his siblings.

I bloody told my BFF tho' (none of the details nor diagnosis, and I said "I can't say", but i said he's having 3 months treatment in hospital & maybe more) . And i'd have told my DM (if it hadn't been my Dad but someone else important to me) , as we are close too!
I'm allowed to worry and let my very absolute closest people in my life (my one DM and my one BFF whom I trust never to disclose elsewhere and they wouldn't ) that there is something going on that is scaring me. But I wouldn't have then disclosed I'd told even a tiny bit!

There are two points here that the vast majority of posters are ignoring.

One is discussing the details of someone's medical condition which they want kept private. That is wrong and betraying confidences.

The second is mentioning in general terms that a member of the family is in hospital with nothing further said, particularly as it affects your own life now and possibly in future emergencies which is completely different and not betrayal of a confidence. I'd be very surprised if others didn't know that he was in hospital even if they didn't know the reason, such as neighbours.

As it is, the OP's mother does know of the diagnosis as she was told before the privacy was insisted on. She is also her daughter's support system. It is simply cruel of FIL to insist that his wife cannot get support from her own family - she doesn't have to spread medical details but simply say that he is ill. It is very unloving of him to insist that his family have no support whatsoever in these difficult times. There is a great deal of difference between generalisation of illness and vomiting out personal medical details and I'm gobsmacked that so many people cannot see the difference and seem to thoroughly enjoy putting the boot into OP without considering the painful situation of the family. Shame on them.

I would tell my mum in this situation and ask her not to pass it on, she's my main source of support, plus I speak with her most days so I wouldn't want to start lying about where we were or what we needed, that would be ludicrous. I might not mention the specific condition, or say 'I don't know', but I wouldn't be prepared to fake where I was or not mention I'd been at the hospital. I could not mention this to my MIL as I see her much less frequently and wouldn't have to tell lies, so it would be fine.

The FIL is obviously making this harder than it need be, especially for his poor wife. I wouldn't be prepared to start pretending huge things about my life and I would need the support myself, so it just wouldn't be a goer. That doesn't mean blabbing to everyone, but depending on the severity, it's very unlikely it can be hidden for months or years anyway.

I’d have told my Mum Op, and I’d have asked her to keep it private. I’d trust her to do so.

I’m afraid I might just not have told my husband, but perhaps your marriage is better than mine.

If I did tell my husband, it would be along the lines of what Whiterose said: that I needed private support and that if I wasn’t allowed to access that support, I’d prefer him not to give me any details. If MIL is phoning during the night though, you’d have to accept it if he told you he couldn’t explain if you took this approach.

I understand those upthread who, for specific reasons, want to keep things private until they are ready, but from the sound of it, this has been going on a while.

I may be projecting though. My FIL went through a long illness and though people were told, he and MIL put themselves through agonies as they could hardly bear any signs of his illness to be visible. They stopped going out and doing the things they enjoyed almost as soon as he was diagnosed and later were almost pathological in their refusal to have equipment around the house that would help. It was intensely depressing to watch them make their lives near unbearable, just so they could keep the illusion everything was fine.

If FIL is controlling, is DH as well? It has a habit of being passed from father to son.

I love the equation being made between FIL need for support and OP.

Fil has cancer and may die.

OP got woken up a couple of times and had to drive someone to hospital.

But yes they both have the same need for support

When I read your op I wondered if your FIL is controlling and you've confirmed it.

I know a few people/families like this, who keep medical stuff rigidly secret, and in every case there is a controller in the family.

You did nothing wrong. You weren't specific. Don't tell your husband you told/tell your mum.

Also let's try it the other way round.

"I have a serious complication with my pregnancy. I don't know the prognosis but I am scared me or the baby will die. I also find the treatment so humiliating. I am not ready to talk about it yet but I needed help getting to an appt so I told MiL. I begged her to keep it secret.
Next thing I know, I find she's discussed it with her relatives! I asked why she'd betrayed my confidence and she said she felt traumatised by it and needed to talk. Aibu to think it's my pregnancy and my health, so my privacy should come first?"

Doubt you'd get many on MIL side.....

I think you have to respect your FiL's wishes here. Yes, it seems natural to you to share, but that level of openness might cause emotional pain or huge anxiety for someone who is altogether more private.

One of my DC's was told by their Df that he had cancer, and they must not tell anyone.
Thank Fuck they told me. My Dc needs support, and he had no fucking right to say that they weren't entitled to support.
As soon as I was told that they must not say anything I thought it was a particularly controlling move.

You ultimately put your much lesser needs above his worse needs and that isn't ok

You do seem to be looking at it from a singular place ,it doesn't really matter that you were brought up with sharers , you have specifically been asked not to do it and you chose to ignore that for selfish needs

I was extremely ill at the beginning of the year and with a lot of effort we were ble to keep it very private ,I honestly would have been gutted if someone had so cavalierly done what you did

I was vulnerable and afraid and it would have brought me to tears to think someone was effectively gossiping to ease their own emotions

You're an adult so there is no way for you to need to find

Please just don't do it, it's actually pretty awful to be so cavalier with someone's private life " because it felt normal and natural "

I see differences with that scenario Johnny

1. it’s time limited while the woman waits for information, and to give her time to process.
2. It’s also a direct conversation, where the woman feels able to confide in her MIL. With good communication, a decent MIL might well feel able to ask her DIL if she could tell another close relative if she needed support.
3. This is a MIL supporting someone from a younger generation. The OP is about an older person expecting support from a younger without concern for whether they feel able to cope. Rightly or wrongly, I would expect a more mature person to deal better with a younger person’s private trauma than the other way round.

From what the OP has said, there’s no indication FIL is going to allow them to tell anyone, which means they might be in for a prolonged period of awkwardness, especially if she has to hide the fact they’re having to assist. Presumably she isn’t even much in contact with FIL, and if she is, I can’t imagine they’d have the type of relationship where she can discuss it privately with him if she needed additional support and felt distressed by keeping the info private.