To go against FIL's wishes

[Reevesandmortimer]

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

You can’t divulge other people’s medical information without their permission so you were unreasonable to do that.

However, if MIL and FIL expect unstinting support from you and DH through this trying time- and it’s understandable that they would want to rely on you both - then you will need to call on your own support network in order to be able to help PIL. For example, you might need childcare so that you can take MIL to hospital, or you may need to cancel plans at short notice if FIL’s condition changes, or you might be unable to commit to future arrangements.

I think you could try to gently point out to MIL and PIL that you will need to ask for help from your own family so that you can give PIL the support they need, and ask FIL’s permission to tell your close family that he is ill in hospital without sharing further details. As hard as it is , there may be times when you are unable to provide practical help with lifts etc if you cannot call on practical support yourselves, e.g with childcare.

In these stressful situations you need to comfort in, dump out. Thats exactly what youve done. I dont think ywbu to tell in very general terms - thats you dumping out in order to comfort in.

Quote
The responses on here seem dramatically polarised :

Either
Shut up as tight as a gnats arse or
Blab to all and sundry

Lol!! No one has suggested she Blab to all and sundry. I seriously worry about reading comprehension skills of any PP who thinks that!

PPs have said of course respect his views and don't divulge medical details but it is ok to say to DM you are v close to, that you're worried about DH's father (and DC's GParent) being in hospital or unwell - without disclosing any details on diagnosis or treatment - and to ensure DM knows not to tell anyone else.

DM needs to be slightly in picture that he's very unwell, for OP's sake as DH & OP may need practical help for all the reasons PPs have said.

OP should never be asked to lie to her own mother, pretending the world is fine. DM needs to be slightly in the loop.

All of us who have had a close relative die or go through long treatment requiring our support know that is real life. It is respecting FILs views by not divulging details. The fact OP had already mentioned initial diagnosis before FIL said not to, is unfortunate and is one of those things that was done without malice before she knew otherwise.

I feel for you OP, that was a really hard secret to keep.

I'm sorry about your FIL

Whoa, patronising.

My reading comprehension skills are perfectly fine - in fact, more than fine. I have a different opinion to you is all, OffTo.

Which doesn't mean I am in any way deficient. Alrighty?

Some people are private, a very close friend of my parents died a year ago after a short battle with cancer. The only ppl who knew where her sons. She was very private and imagine if her daughter in laws had done blabbing to everyone? Learn to respect pls personal wishes!

@springydaff. if you wildly misquote people, then there is something awry about reading comprehension. We all can have different opinions, but your post misrepresented what PPs actually said at such a basic level

. (Or what OP did)

Quote from your post
The responses on here seem dramatically polarised :
Either
Shut up as tight as a gnats arse or
Blab to all and sundry

157 PPs ... Yet not one PPs suggested OP Blab to all and sundry let alone half of PPs! (And nor did OP suggest she would find all of sundry and blab away to them in every detail possible!).

So either it was (1) a deliberate dodgy tactic to bolster one particular side (by exagorating that which you don't agree with to make it sound absurd); (2) an ironic statement about other PPs misunderstandings (which your post afterwards indicated not ! ), or (3) you've misunderstood so many PPs (& OPs) posts!

I'd purposely said Lol!! No one has suggested she "Blab to all and sundry". I seriously worry about reading comprehension skills of any PP who thinks that!
ie. not tagging your username springy... as I originally thought you were being ironic about others ! Not that you neccesarily believed it yourself. You've clarified now that you weren't being ironic.

Really PPs have clean arguments on both sides, to help OP in her difficult dilemma with FIL's poor health, without ridiculous exagoration.

Anyway back to OP

I've been mulling this over, and wondering if you can discuss a bit more depth . He's so worried about his Dad , his first reaction might just have been "just do only what Dad said" without having headspace to think. So his initial response to be cross with you might have been a knee jerk one. Is there a time when you find he can cope with discussing it more?

I wonder if you explain how worried you are about FIL, MIL & him in all this and why, and how important sources of support are.

That when something so big and sad happens you wouldn't let anyone swear you total blanket secrecy such that you couldn't tell even your own husband or would have to lie to him....... But that you are equally as close to your DM. You don't want to lie to her either, that there isn't anything worrying you when she can sense there is.

But that you want to agree what is ok to say to DM, without sharing details about FIL's private medical information. Such as "he's unwell and in hospital", "he's back home and a bit better,.." , and "DH & I haven't slept well as /we've been worrying / MIL rang early hours a few times, he's ok/ We had to drive to hospital..."

And talk about what DM might need to know and what practical help she might be able to give if she knows enough to understand.

Once past initial bit, DH may be more open in time to how to persuade FIL if possible to let MIL explain a little to her friends at least to get a lift to hospital or her BFF to talk to. One step at time though.

Good luck OP

God, Offto, you do like the sound of your own voice.

Your FIL is unreasonable to place so much pressure on you, MIL and DH to not tell anyone.

My dad died of pancreatic cancer, he was extremely sick and no way could my mum have coped with his needs on her own. As it was, it placed a huge strain on her health.

If FIL expects you all to take care of him then he needs to accept that it involves telling close loved ones so they can offer support.

All this respecting of confidentiality has its place but not when his wife, son and DIL have to bear the brunt of work.

@springydaff. Lol, yes I was up in night with sick child and had lots of time !! I hadnt edited very well as meant to say talk more in-depth OP with your DH , kit talk more in-depth generally, as his first talk with her may have been knee jerk reaction.

But that really didn't take away disingenuous misquotes you did, which was annoying, on behalf of other genuine (not exagorating) PPs.

Hopefully OP has listened to sensible, factual, proportionate posts.

*not (not 'kit', damn phone!)

I think if you really needed to talk about it, because the stress was too much then yes it's ok to talk to your mum. That's assuming she can be trusted to keep quiet. You shouldn't have mentioned that you told her. If fil really didn't want anyone to know then he should have kept it between himself and his wife. You can't be expected to cope with something like that, with no ability to get support.

Yeah, you said OffTo. A number of times.