To go against FIL's wishes

[Reevesandmortimer]

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

@TooManyPaws puts it well.

I think @JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff is being disingenuous by willfully misunderstanding and misinterpreting what little OP disclosed.

It was very selfish of you to go against your FIL’s wishes. You disregarded his need for privacy, believing your own “need” to share was more important. It isn’t.

I’d have done the same as you op.

My FIL has also recently received prostate treatment but he's from a whole culture of sharers

If he had asked me to not discuss his health, I would have respected his wishes

That said - the impact on your DH, and in turn on you, is very real and can be bloody hard. You need someone to speak to about your feelings and to be able to decompress. I'd have chosen a friend who I felt confident in sharing this with and used them as a sounding board. Someone who doesn't know your FIL would probably be best

Good luck OP, wishing you and your family all the best

10% wrong.

More important that the DIL and how she deals with the cancer, is the patient and how he deals with it and its consequences.

I’d be telling you nothing from now on.

The hierarchy of feelings are nicely described in this

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

You're making HIS (fil) frightening, serious, PRIVATE health condition all about you.

Cut it out!

He has every right to want to keep PRIVATE MEDICAL info just that - private. It's not for you to decide.

You even admit you had no cause for telling her and honestly from how you describe your family I wouldn't trust her to keep quiet either - you sound like a load of gossips who are unwilling to accept not everyone deals with stuff the way you do!

Even IF you felt it necessary to do so in order to get either emotional or practical support, you should have discussed it with dh & fil FIRST, put forward a case but STILL listened to what fil wanted. It's his illness, hell his life not yours.

"Also, I did tell my mum that he had prostate cancer when he was diagnosed a couple of years ago, before I knew how strictly private he wanted to be." Your approach to other people's boundaries is completely skewed/dysfunctional! No! You check with the person first what their boundaries are BEFORE you even THINK about disseminating information MOST people would consider private.

Honestly you come across as an attention seeking gossip!

Two minds here.

I agree, I think FIL preventing his wife from seeking support is totally unreasonable.

In terms of talking to others. It depends. There's a world of difference between discussing someone's private medical info when they've asked you not to (not okay) and saying 'x has been unwell,' as context to what you and your partner have been dealing with.

It seems unreasonable of your FIL and DH to expect you to be secretive to the point where you have to lie about him being sick/ going to hospital / you or your DH or MIL having to take time out to support him.

For example.

Situation 1 (not okay)

Your mum: Hi OP, how have things been?
You: Terrible, FIL has prostrate cancer and has been in an out of hospital. He's having X/ y/ z treatment.

Situstion 2 (okay)

Your mum: Hi OP, how have things been?
You: Bit rough, FIL has been a bit unwell. Otherwise we're okay... (Change subject).

I'm not sure about this and it's all a bit too close to home right now but I don't like the idea that your DH, MIL and FIL are basically asking you to lie to your family. I get no details, need to know basis only, keeping it vague...but outright lying doesn't sit well with me.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

So you had to share with your mother , when you FIL had made it clear that it was confidential ? Hmmm bad decision. Quite possibly your mother will tell others - not good. Really, it isn't your story to tell, and by breaking the news you are making it "all about you" and how it's affecting you.

In all likelihood, FIL will get treatment and recover - you are not going to be badly affected at all. The 5-year survival rate for most men with local or regional prostate cancer is nearly 100%. Ninety-eight percent (98%) are alive after 10 years. The idea that you'd need emergency child care because of his illness, is way out of line.

When my father was terminally ill I would have lost every friendship I had, and my job as well, if I hadn't been able to tell people. I'm not talking about blabbing to every stranger on the street, just that when I had been awake for 24 hours tending to his needs and had to cancel my social plans, or I had to ask for a day off work to take him to a hospital appointment, I needed to be able to explain why.

I think OPs father in law can obviously demand privacy if he wants, but the knock on effect of that is surely that his family are not going to be able to help him as much as they otherwise would? Eg How do you visit someone in hospital if you need someone to look after your children whilst you do it, but you're not allowed to tell anyone? That's a whole AIBU thread right there. 'My friend has asked me to look after her kids for two hours every evening on an ongoing basis but says she can't tell me why. AIBU to say no?'. Everyone would tell the babysitter to say no.

Why not try calling The Samaritans? Seriously they’re excellent if you want to unburden yourself, they just listen and best of all, they’re completely private. That way you don’t go against the wishes of your DH’s family. I’ve used them a few times & it’s really helped me deal with things.

So FIL needs support so he tells his wife and son. They need support so they lean on DIL. DIL needs support so she tells her mun. DM is now worried and needs support so she tells her sister. She is now worried so she tells her husband. He mentions it in passing by accident to the post man/shop worker/friend/neighbour and so on. This is how gossip starts. The man did want to control who knew about his condition. As would I. If I found out my MIL had told her family when I was pregnant, but before I was ready to go public, because she needed support dealing with her becoming a GM, I would have been so deeply hurt and probably gone NC with her.

Not. Your. News. To. Tell.

MIL is a sharer. She told a friend of hers about my cancer diagnosis before I was ready to tell the wider world (DH had specifically asked her not to). It pissed my off no end. It was a scary time and thus something I wanted to keep private.

YANBU. I’ve a similar situation. DHs family are obsessed with secrets. Telling your mum is not gossiping generally. He is being unfair expecting you take the burden and not allowing you to have any support. I would suggest you say to DH you are stepping back and leaning him and his parents to it.

I am not being disingenuous, I am making up an analogous scenario.

I also don't see this drastic need for support. The OP is presumably an adult. This is not her father. Her dh, his son, is upset by her actions! I really don't see why her fil having this diagnosis means she needs "support". If it was endgame cancer and she had been by his bed for months on end and her children were upset..... yes. As it is, all we know is she got woken up by mil, feels a bit worried and had to help mil get to hospital. I don't see why that requires so much moral support that it's worth betraying a confidence, upsetting her dh etc

I think some people are being hard on the OP.
Yes if she had told her mum purely just to gossip, then that would be bad.
But she didn't.
FIL is having the 'most' stressful time, yes. DH is having an extremely stressful time, yes. OP is having a stressful time too however, which she mustn't offload onto DH bc it is his dad. She needs someone further out of the circle to get support from. Her mum is a suitable person. It's not the whole village. It's just letting one person know that you're having a tough time, and being able to talk about it.

I agree that I feel uncomfortable with the idea that we should be encouraging OP to be hiding tough times from her family. Her mum should obviously be sworn to secrecy, and presumably won't require support herself as she is far out of the circle. But I would tell my mum too, I guess perhaps at the most I might "ask" DP first if he minded as a courtesy.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

He needs to get over himself no one wants to look at it just help him get better. I'm pretty sure he isn't getting any privacy in a NHS hospital anyway.

Again against the flow here. You need to protect yourself from negative impact on your mental health to stay strong enough to support others. If this means sharing so you can offload to your mother it’s a sensible decision, and I would do the same

I would request that on further admission to hospital etc it would be best to not tell you or the children as you are not able to keep to his wishes

I find this request rather unrealistic tbh

Whilst I appreciate this man is ill he is using his family to support him but requesting they don’t use anyone to support them, it’s unhibiting and not practicle

I've been in a similarly stressful situation to the OP. Not a secret, but harrowing. My FIL died in a car accident and then his DM died 3 months later, I've always thought, of a broken heart. Then his DF had to go into a home.

So my DH lost his DF suddenly and his DGM, and his DM fell to pieces, needing him on the phone constantly. His DB and SIL had a newborn, as well as 2 toddlers, so the load really did fall on him.

If that wasn't enough, my DSis was needing my support, as she was in the process of getting divorced, having suffered DV which she was coming to terms with.

The law firm I worked for as a legal secretary was handling the personal injury claim on behalf of my MIL, and I was the one typing the letters. I therefore knew that my FIL had caused the accident that killed him, something my MIL would never accept and she was constantly ranting at the police for not prosecuting the other driver.

Another solicitor in the firm was handling my DSis's divorce case, and my DM kept trying to involve me in passing messages on to him. (I did work for his colleague in the Family department one day a week.)

Then my DM chose that time to go to Africa for her regular 3 month stint in the winter, leaving me very much on my own to cope with all of it on my own, including supporting my seriously mentally unwell DB.

Did any of these situations directly impact me? No, obviously not, but it was incredibly stressful trying to support everyone. I could have done with support from my DM, which in my case I didn't get. I wouldn't have coped without the support of close friends. (There were confidential things about my DSis's divorce I didn't share, obviously, but it was hardly necessary to give the whole story.)

If I'd had to keep all of it secret, I don't think I would have coped at all. That's why I feel that a lot of you are being hugely unfair to the OP. The truth is that when you're supporting family members going through a very hard time, it's normal to need to offload on someone close. That isn't the same as gossip.

Bullshit. You told your Mum, I would have too. If it's that secret FIL shouldn't have told you. He sounds like a drama queen