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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go against FIL's wishes

164 replies

Reevesandmortimer · 16/11/2018 20:31

OK, I am arguing with DH and genuinely don't know if I'm in the wrong. I think I may get roasted, but I can take it.

I come from a family who love to talk about all their medical complaints to all and sundry. DH's family are extremely private about that stuff, so we are miles apart on this.

FIL sadly has prostate cancer and is having treatment. He doesn't want anyone outside MIL, his 2 sons and me to know about this. MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill, so only really has us to support her. Last weekend he had to go into hospital as an emergency. MIL phoned us at 4am, 5am and 6am. It was all worrying and stressful but thankfully he is now ok and back at home.

I was talking to my mum and told her that FIL had been in hospital and that we had been worried about him. No real reason to tell her, I just let her know what was on my mind. DH thinks this was completely unreasonable and that FIL has the right to keep his condition private. I feel that it is unrealistic for me never to be able to talk to anyone else about this, but at the same time to provide support to DH and MIL, I just feel I need to be able to process things with other people that are close to me. I actually think it is unreasonable for FIL to demand secrecy from everyone around him, especially for MIL to not be able to get support from her friends. She struggled to visit him in hospital because she could not ask her friend to give her a lift. My mum knows that he is a private person and would not call or send a card or whatever, so to my mind he will never know that I have told her. DH is really cross with me for telling her. I feel it will affect my relationship with her if I conceal important ongoing stuff from her. And there may well come a time when we have to tell people, eg if we need to visit, if we need emergency childcare, if he becomes really poorly etc. I was really sure of my position but now I feel really conflicted.

I do realise the irony re blabbing about this on an open forum, but DH is fine as it's anonymous. If I'm wrong I will try and change how I'm managing this.

OP posts:

Nitpickpicnic · 16/11/2018 22:02

My DF outright banned us (his 3 kids & partners) from telling anyone about his terminal cancer. We only found out by accident, and he was livid that even we knew.

We kept his secret through 1 year of intensive treatment, 2 months in hospital and to the day of his death.

Our preferences weren’t the point. It was very hard on us, but it was possible. His health crisis, his choice how to deal with it. Think of it this way, which is greater? Your discomfort at having to curb a few conversations and only talk to your DH about it? Or his, with the pain and worry of treatment, in a hospital?

So what if he’s a controlling personality? You’re not going to change him. You have it in your power to grant someone a kindness, and potentially their last wish. To go against that out of petty revenge or because it’s inconvenient for you or because you like to gossip about health matters? Doesn’t weigh up for me.

Use it as a personal growth exercise, perhaps?

FinalScore · 16/11/2018 22:02

His illness is not exclusive to them

He could die
His wife could lose her husband
His children could lose their dad

So yes it is.

yorkshireyummymummy · 16/11/2018 22:05

I’m going to go against the tide here and say that you have every right to tell your mum - it’s hardly like she’s going to take an advert in the local press tellimg everybody is she?
Your FIL wants 9nly close family to know - well your mum IS your close family. YOU need support too - it’s hard to support a partner who is loosing a parent. My FIL died this year and I couldn’t have coped without talking to my mum. I wanted her advice on what to tell DD. How to cope with DH. She has experience of loosing a FIL. It’s awful to tell somebody something like this and then insist on total secrecy.
If your FIL wanted total secrecy and privacy then he shouldn’t have told anybody should he. Does your DH expect you to start lying to your mum when she asks what you have done today or why you need the kids looking after at short notice?

Realistically, when somebody has a terminal diagnosis it’s really unfair to give people close to you this awful secret then expect them to provide support for you while not getting any themselves. Your mum will not be directly involved in this so she can provide support for you - and your ch8ldren/DH if so needed , but she won’t need support so the secret remains with her.
I think it’s really really unfair of your DH to be mad at you.
If my mum/dad was dying I would 100% expect my husband to tell his mum.
You told your mum, not the town gossip. If people don’t want anybody to know something like this then they shouldn’t tell anybody.

notacooldad · 16/11/2018 22:07

I understand your bafflement about discussing it with your mum as it probably feels like you were keeping it within the family. However you didn't have the right to talk about someone else's medical condition especially as you knew he doesn't like his medical history being discussed.

LightningOne · 16/11/2018 22:08

I think you should respect his privacy. After all, it's not really anything to do with you. I understand that if you're a very open person generally, it may seem totally absurd to you, that someone can be so private but it is their choice. If I was you, I really wouldn't want to upset/stress out your FIL by going against his wishes (esp. as it's not exactly a huge or difficult favour) and stress can significantly impact a person's recovery, esp. during treatments like chemotherapy I'd imagine. He's probably stressed enough as it is - no need to add to it.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/11/2018 22:09

I think you should have respected your FIL's wishes here, OP - no need at all to tell your mother anything.

Also, while you may be happy to share medical information far and wide, bear in mind that a fair number of people may not be interested in hearing it!

Dragonbait · 16/11/2018 22:10

I also say YANBU. I tell my mum everything - I need to process things by talking about them and she is part of that. DH shouldn't have told you as he no doubt will know how this works with you and your family - my husband certainly knows! If your mum is a raving gossip then this is different but otherwise I'd say that's life.

KristinaM · 16/11/2018 22:12

I agree with Mousse. Of course your FIL can’t stop you talking about your own life to your own mother. You are worried and concerned .

Tell her that you are having to visit someone in hospital but that person has banned you from saying who they are. She can draw her own conclusions and you can continue to get her support.

Of course there is no need to say the diagnosis or the treatment.

When your FIL is in hospital and expects visits then it impacts on others. He can’t expect others to turn their lives upside down to acconmodate him but forbid them from explaining why to others in their lives.

I feel very sorry for the woman whose husband has cancer and isn’t even allowed to tell her friends and get support. It’s not like having HIV in the 1980s, no one will be shocked or judge him. Every single one of her friends will have lost someone to cancer and they will want to support her.

It’s cruel for him to isolate her like this.

LucieMorningstar · 16/11/2018 22:13

I come from a family who love to talk about all theirmedical complaints to all and sundry

The optimum word here is underlined. Your family talk about their own medical issues, not anyone else’s.

Moussemoose · 16/11/2018 22:15

The OP doesn't want to talk about the diagnosis!

He can keep the details secret all he wants.

What she can say is she has been to hospital to visit him because he is 'ill'. He can not reasonably expect the OP to keep the fact that he is ill secret, while wanting support, visits and help.

The details of his illness are of course private.

Believeitornot · 16/11/2018 22:15

Yanbu

This feels like FIL is being controlling to be honest. This is upsetting for the OP - she needs to process it to remain strong!

The OP is hardly going into graphic detail.

LanaorAna2 · 16/11/2018 22:18

YABU & selfish, but understandably so. Find a phrase like 'He's ill but I don't know what's wrong with him' and use it.

Try and fight the urge to discuss other people's genitals with your family.

What sort of prostate cancer has he got?

Believeitornot · 16/11/2018 22:20

Try and fight the urge to discuss other people's genitals with your family

What sort of prostate cancer has he got?

The irony

festivellama · 16/11/2018 22:22

I think the mistake you made OP is that you told your DH that you'd talked to your mum about it.

onthenaughtystepagain · 16/11/2018 22:22

I find it distasteful to discuss my private business with anyone but to gossip about someone else's private business with outsiders is utterly abhorrent. This isn't about you and your 'need' to discuss it.
Carry on this way and you run the danger of splitting your family and adding to an already stressful time for your in-laws. would you like someone to discuss your health matters with all and sundry. Why on earth do you need support, it's not even your own blood family!

BrazzleDazzleDay · 16/11/2018 22:22

*He could die
His wife could lose her husband
His children could lose their dad

So yes it is*

And HER husband could lose his father, she could lose her fil, her children could lose their grandad.

You think thats an ok secret and burden to keep? I don't

Mummyshark2018 · 16/11/2018 22:24

I wouldn't think ywbu if by covering this up you were lying to your family. E.g by saying 'I've been up all night with a family emergency and I'm really tired but I can't tell you what it is'. By saying something like that vague statement would make my own family very worried. I don't think that's fair. Obv you can be vague and say 'fil not well' and leave it at that is that would suffice with your family?

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/11/2018 22:25

I think the mistake you made OP is that you told your DH that you'd talked to your mum about it.

^^ This.

Eilaianne · 16/11/2018 22:25

Op is utterly in the wrong.

You knew his wishes; keep quiet, and find ways of talking around it or not at all.

It's not your information to share.

I would be livid if I was fil and found out you were blabbering to extended family members in a non-emergency way (e.g. I could understand if you needed to visit him to take things to hospital, and needed urgent babysitting to enable it - but generally gossiping or sharing his medical information for no reason against his wishes is beyond the pale).

I come from a family who are generally pretty disrespectful when it comes to reasonable boundaries in ways just like this, and the common theme is making someone else's news/info all about them - selfish, drama seeking behaviour.

onthenaughtystepagain · 16/11/2018 22:25

This feels like FIL is being controlling to be honest

Who else should be in control of the dissemination of information about his health? Were I in his position I would never want to see your face again if you've been gossiping about me with your mother.

Eilaianne · 16/11/2018 22:27

Of course fil is being controlling.... It's his medical information. Wtf?!

Believeitornot · 16/11/2018 22:28

Who else should be in control of the dissemination of information about his health? Were I in his position I would never want to see your face again if you've been gossiping about me with your mother

It isn’t gossiping. She’s not telling all and sundry. She’s telling someone in her support network! The FIL approach is massively restricting his own wife’s ability to deal with the practicalities and for what?

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/11/2018 22:28

I got the impression that the OP had told her mother the diagnosis. That's why her DH was upset. So what was it OP, did you tell your mother the diagnosis?

As for handling it emotionally, OP - you can talk to your DH. 'Processing things' does not mean that you can share your FIL's medical information with others.

Original poster

Reevesandmortimer · 16/11/2018 22:28

@Shutlingsloe I'm so sorry that you went through this. It is utterly shit, and it sounds as though you dealt with things better than me. I am dreading what we will do if I feel we need to tell the DC and they don't want me to.

I have recognised that whatever I think of their family dynamic I want to put DH and MIL and FIL first during this. I am sad to have argued with DH at a time when I really most want to support him and going forward I have agreed to only talk to my mum if I feel I am really struggling with the stress of it or if there is a need for her to know eg childcare. DH is ok with this. I agree that I feel much more sorry for MIL. I guess I could post on mumsnet if I need to let stuff out (though not on this board next time!) Thank you, all comments have been helpful and I will reflect on them.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 16/11/2018 22:29

MIL isn't supposed tell her friends or her sister that he is ill

^that is ridiculous

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