Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

[Bogstandardbob]

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

Can't decide until you say what the joke was

She has contacted you but you haven't bothered to reply.

There's probably a lot more to it...

I can’t say what the comment was as it’s outing. It was to do with preferring her brother to her. But it was a joke.

So far, it looks like a passive aggressive attention seeker who refuses to see what wrong they've done and is looking for sympathy rather than admit wrongdoing and apologise.

Are you going to spend the evening drip feeding?

A joke isn’t a joke unless all parties find it funny. She didn’t find it funny so it wasn’t a joke to her regardless of whether you think it was. The best you can do is apologise for offending her.

So why arent you replying to her?

Maybe it hit a nerve?

Sounds like it wasn't a very funny "joke".

Was it really just this joke or was it something that has been building for some time?

There's truth in every joke...

well was it a joke with a jibe? I mean, I'd never say to any of my kids that I preferred one to another, even as a joke.

She always phoned me once a week but has stopped since this happened. It was a joke, she’s taken it the wrong way. I haven’t contacted her because she always phones me, I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong, she’s over reacted.

From her point of view, you hurt her, she told you and you’ve ignored her. Doesn’t that confirm to get that you don’t care about her as much as her brother?

Is this a reverse?! You upset her, she explained why she was upset and you haven't bothered to call her since?

If my parents made a joke about preferring my sister to me, I'd be devastated (as there would be a lot of truth to it). There are some things you just don't joke about, and loving one of your children less is one of them. I don't blame her for going non contact at all.

"I don't see that I've done anything wrong" isn't very helpful. If you have a look on gransnet you'll see a lot of threads from sad grans whose families have cut them off. Sometimes the grans are toxic, sometimes their dds or ddils are toxic, sometimes it's just a misunderstanding. But you need to do everything you can to avoid going down that route. Contact her, apologise (even if you don't understand why), sort it out.

If you actually care why wouldn't you just make the effort to say sorry and move on? Doesn't matter what you thought you said and meant it's the hurt which you have caused her from what she understood by it that matters. If it was a badly aimed joke then apologising should be no skin off your nose. The longer you leave it the more you ingrain the misunderstanding.

Or you could just carry on digging and cutting off your nose ....

Why don't you contact her? Why does she always have to phone you? Make an effort with her!

My DM never phones, I always have to phone her and then moans that I don't speak to her enough.

I also wouldn't find a joke like that funny.

It doesn’t matter whether you were joking or not. Your daughter is clearly upset by something you have said. She is so upset that she has stopped contact and sent you an email explaining why. The very least you can do is acknowledge her feelings and apologise for how it may have sounded to her.
The fact that you still deny any responsibility for the remark tells me that she is completely right in not speaking to you.

And many a true word is spoken in jest

I would say you are unreasonable. You made a joke clearly offended her. So rather than apologie you say nothing and how do you propose this situation will resolve itself

You won't get anywhere with this if you don't even try to see this from her point of view or consider her feelings

You need to apologise. Simple.

Yes YABU

How long are you going to let this go on for before you swallow your pride and call her?