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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

230 replies

Bogstandardbob · 16/11/2018 19:48

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

OP posts:
goldinthemtherestars · 16/11/2018 20:19

Carry on like this and you will lose your daughter from your life forever. Is that really what you want?

It happens more often than you perhaps realise, and your attitude is heading things that way. If you want your daughter in your life, practise some empathy. Then when you've had a glimmer of feeling what this felt like to her, pick up the phone and ring her. Apologise wholeheartedly. No ifs, buts or becauses, just a straight, heartfelt sorry for saying such a dreadful thing and trying to pass it off as a joke. It was crass and mean and not funny at all, you can see that now and are very sorry.

Stop taking this lightly unless you want to lose your daughter.

SmashedPatsy · 16/11/2018 20:20

Obviously you've chosen not giving the full story, so we're required to make assumptions.

If your joke was purely a joke, with no element of truth to it, it still sounds like it hit a nerve, partially due to past behaviour that you do not remember but has left a lasting impact on your daughter.

You ought to be able to muster some sort of apology, even if it is a 'sorry if my comment was upsetting, it was intended as a joke and not meant to be hurtful' and whatever else you need to say to reassure her. As things stand, you seem to be waiting for her to fix things and not taking any initiative, which sounds rather childish.

Of course, it is within the realms of possibility that your daughter is being totally unreasonable and over dramatic, but it's hard to tell on the info provided and you do come across as stubborn, uncompromising and unreasonable.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/11/2018 20:21

@Bogstandardbob - a joke is only a joke if the butt of the joke finds it funny too - otherwise it is just a hurtful, nasty jibe.

You have said something that has upset your dd - you need to contact her and apologise wholeheartedly - no ‘it was just a joke’ excuses - acknowledge how much you have hurt her and ask her forgiveness.

What matters more to you - being right, or your daughter forgiving you and speaking to you again? At the moment it sounds more like you care most about being in the right than u doing the damage you have done and the hurt you have caused - and that will not help you mend your relationship with your dd.

AuntMarch · 16/11/2018 20:21

Wow now I have read OP responses... Perhaps do her a favour and don't contact her. You'll make it easier for her to avoid you then.

So what if YOU THINK she shouldn't be upset. She is upset. Because of something you said. And instead of rushing to explain to her you didn't mean it, you are sulking about it. A lot of parents put up with a lot of shit from their grown up children. This is not one of those situations.

You should absolutely have made contact as soon as you got that email. (Actually you should have apologised without her needing to send it)

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 20:21

If this is a reverse I am sorry you have such a mother

if it isnt - dont contact her she is better off without you. Your posting style reveals a lot

PhilipHamilton · 16/11/2018 20:22

What is your priority, being right or your relationship with your daughter? If the latter, I would let go of being "right" and apologies for upsetting her.

TraceyBond · 16/11/2018 20:22

You won't understand why she is upset if you don't apologise, listen to her and change.

festivellama · 16/11/2018 20:22

Christ on a bike woman, apologise!

You may have intended it as a joke, but you have inadvertently managed to really upset her. She isn't overreacting. She's even emailed you to explain how much you have hurt her.
You can't remember other things you've said either - probably because they were throwaway remarks to you, but bit by bit they have built up until this last one was the final straw.

I love my daughter more than life itself.

If you love your daughter, then tell her you're sorry.

And never, ever make a joke like that again.

Sparklesocks · 16/11/2018 20:22

You hurt her. You have upset her. She has listed other times you have done similar things. Why aren’t you listening to her?

Intending something to be a joke doesn’t give you a free pass to say whatever you want without consequences. How don’t you understand that? Your joke backfired and upset her, even if you meant well. If we hurt people we love, even unintentionally, we listen to what they say.

This is your CHILD. Is your pride really more important than her feelings? Are you really going to risk your relationship with your child because you want to be right? Christ. YABU.

Poodles1980 · 16/11/2018 20:22

Wow you sound so lovely. I bet if you do apologize it will be one of those sorry if you felt offended ones rather than I am sorry for my actions.

FascinatingCarrot · 16/11/2018 20:22

Dont call her.

You obviously made her utterly miserable and have done for a long time.

RebelWitchFace · 16/11/2018 20:23

If this is a reverse ,which must be..your mum is a dick.

If it really isn't...OP you're a dick. You're not hurt,you're offended she had the guts to stand up to you. I also bed that you think she'll come running back to you given how you mention your "help". It's irrelevant what the joke was really , the outcome is your daughter going NC. And you'd rather be right and act butthurt instead of apologising and preventing that to happen. Your pride is more important than your daughter and grandchild. I don't blame her.

Miscible · 16/11/2018 20:23

For goodness sake, this is your daughter. It's incomprehensible that you wouldn't explain that it was a joke and apologise. Miscommunication happens, it doesn't sound like the funniest joke in the world anyway, so why on earth do you put the onus on your daughter to sort it out?

Sparklesocks · 16/11/2018 20:23

You’re essentially saying her feelings don’t matter because you don’t agree with her.

TheChickenOfTruth · 16/11/2018 20:23

If you're not going to apologise, don't bother calling.

MrsSarahSiddons · 16/11/2018 20:24

OP I’m a mum and a grandmother so maybe about the same age as you, and honestly you are behaving like a complete fool. If you want to rebuild this relationship and see your grandkids in the future for goodness sake acknowledge what an idiot you’ve been, apologise properly (NOT “I’m sorry you feel that way) and try to see things from her point of view, not your own.

quitefranklyabsurd · 16/11/2018 20:25

Just pick up the phone and call her. Tbf you sound like you're being incredibly childish.

Life's too short for this shit.

SilentIsla · 16/11/2018 20:25

She clearly did not appreciate your stupid “joke”. People who offend others use that as an excuse. How lame.

Beeziekn33ze · 16/11/2018 20:26

Just bantz was it? Makes it all right then, NOT.

You've hurt someone, your own child. Just apologise with no buts and hope that you can save your relationship. Or would you rather have no contact?
Apologising seems very difficult for you even though your 'joke' caused the situation. Suck it up and send a reply to that email, or even pick up your phone.

cheesefield · 16/11/2018 20:26

Oh you're one of those "after everything I've done for you" people....

SilentIsla · 16/11/2018 20:26

Apologise.

ElainaElephant · 16/11/2018 20:27

Out of curiosity, how often do you phone her brother?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/11/2018 20:28

My SIL had a falling out with her parents 20 odd years ago.

And now the grandchild they remember as a pre-schooler has a baby of his own, there is another grandchild that they have never met who is now at secondary school, a wedding they didn’t go to, endless Xmases and birthdays that they missed and they must be well into their 70s now and are basically growing old on their own.

And all they needed to do was apologise early on and it would have been fine.....

happypoobum · 16/11/2018 20:28

This must be a reverse - it's unusual for anyone to be so blatant about what a shit parent they are!

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 16/11/2018 20:28

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Be the bigger person and apologise.

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