Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

[Bogstandardbob]

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

I think she is better off without you.

A lot of twats seem to think "it was a joke" is a get out of jail free card for their shitty behaviour

op picks up phone and rings DD

"hello dd, I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings with that comment the other day. I really didn't realise it would cause offence as I just thought it was a joke, but I see I really misjudged it and I feel terrible. I love you so much."

Easy.

Yeaahhh I'm guessing you feel very sorry for your self

Do carry on...becausr while you are sitting in your quagmire of delusional self pity your daughter is getting further away

I know " those " jokes and they aren't jokes...they are a sad little way of making someone else feel crap just because you can

If you can't take responsibility then fine but deal with the consequence

This is you ,not her , if you're need for a "joke " is more important than your daughter then stick to your current plan

On the off chance you really are having some irrational introspection...apologise ...not a fake apology so don't use the follow

"I'm sorry you took it like that"
"I'm sorry you chose to be upset"
Or any version of
"I'm sorry but ......"

Then you might have a shot

I don't see why you can't call her.

However I suspect this is a reverse.

I haven’t contacted her because she always phones me

You do realise phones work both way right?

Although based on this I’m not apologising for her over reacting I'd say don't bloody bother contacting her then. Sorry but you sound like an arse and a lot like my Dad who we are now NC with. To you it was a joke but to her it obviously wasn't. Surely you can see that? Can't you just apologise and move on? Sometimes we think things are small or a joke but to others they're not a joke and they're actually really big things. In most adult relationships we take on board the other persons feelings and treat their feelings as equally valid (even if we disagree!) And part of that means apologising when we inadvertently upset someone we care about.

Well you've obviously touched a nerve with your "joke" then absolutely failed to apologise for hurting her feelings.

It’s not a joke if it hurts the other person involved.

You sound like a shit parent to be honest, I wouldn’t bother getting in contact with you either.

Having just seen OP’s update about “I’m not apologising for her overreacting” I’m inclined to agree with you Didntwanttochangemyname

So if I picked on your appearance, maybe your weight or something about your looks that you don't like and call it a joke, would you find it funny and let it go? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't.

You've said you prefer her brother to her, she didn't find it funny and it's not funny.

Just because you call something a joke doesn't mean it won't offend people

Please don't do that awful thing of apologising for how someone feels. That's such a non apology.

If you really can't see what you've done wrong then don't bother apologising at all.

And a joke is only a joke if both people find it funny. She obviously didn't...you clearly hit a nerve and then she's followed it up with other hurtful things you've done but rather than reflect that despite your intentions, you have hurt your daughter, you insist that she is the one in the wrong

Do you need a hand getting that last nail in up on your cross there?

Simple question. Have you apologised?

Rule is, if the person being mocked thinks it's offensive, then it's offensive and should stop. You cannot be the judge of whether she should be offended or not, you just need to react to the fact that it is. Doesn't matter what the joke was.

Your poor daughter. Her mum jokes about preferring her brother and doesn't care about her enough to make a phone call. Sometimes it's irrelevant who is right or wrong, how it always was or why should you do something. The issue is that your daughter is hurting, took time to explain why and you are too pig headed to make the call. Good luck maintaining a relationship with granddaughter. Sounds like being right is more important to you than having a happy family.

*that she is. Bloody phone....

So you're not going to actually apologise then?

Although, you intended it as a joke. Maybe she has felt inadequate to her brother for years and your "joke" was just the last straw for her.

Well you hit a nerve and she feels you do prefer her brother.

I can’t see why you won’t apologise.

Perhaps the fact you NEVER ring her is another indicator

As I said earlier my DM admitted she preferred my DB. She constantly made little digs then tried to say it was “ a joke “ . For many years I felt worthless and many years later it still upsets me. Don’t make the same mistake OP.

Only read first page at this point but you upset your daughter. Whether you meant to or not. Why are YOU sulking?

You’ve obviously really hurt your daughter, and you don’t want to apologise.

You think we are being ridiculous?

You don't need to understand. She has a right to feel upset, she probably can't help it - no one (usually) cuts off contact lightly. She has done the decent thing in explaining why - if she mentions other incidents it's probably a cumulation of things rather than this specific one incident. It's difficult I know but you really need to consider that you may be in the wrong here. Please remember that different people view things differently - what you said may have been a joke to you but it clearly hit a nerve.

Whatever you do please keep it simple. If you want a relationship with her and your grandchild you need to just say sorry and you didn't mean it. If you start trying to explain yourself and accuse her of over reacting, this will only make things worse as it reinforces that you don't get her point of view. If you start making excuses such as you've done in replies to this thread and putting it back on her you are effectively blaming her for being upset and absolving yourself of any responsibility and it will all get worse.

You said something, and now she is very upset...why are you not trying to acknowledge you part in this or rectify it? Why don't you normally call her? Maybe you should start?

I also think this is a reverse. But if not YABU or else you just don't value your relationship with daughter. It's up to you.

Would you rather be right, or have a good relationship?
Get off your high horse.
Email her, say you're sorry she's upset, if you were insensitive. You love and miss her etc.
Leave it a few days, then text and say you would like to speak and will ring soon. Then call her and listen.

Your DD didn’t find your “joke” funny because she already felt that you prefer her brother. Have you heard the saying “many a true word is spoken in jest”? You hit a nerve, and when she told you why she was upset you completely disregarded her feelings. You haven’t even bothered to contact her at all.

A loving mother would be mortified to have hurt her daughter as deeply as you have hurt yours. You don’t sound sorry in any way, and are convinced that she is in the wrong. I feel sorry for your daughter, you sound self-centred and downright toxic.