Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

[Bogstandardbob]

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

You know you have upset her, even though you didn’t mean to, but you still expect her to call.

You need to be the bigger person, and contact her. Don’t be stubborn, or everyone will loose,out. Swallow your pride.

My mum made jokes like that. They aren't funny and she's better off without you. I'm guessing it's the tip of the iceberg.

If you had said sister instead of brother I'd be seriously considering if you are my mum. If you've changed details and it is you, please don't call, you have done enough damage in your time and this is the final straw. Even your grandchild knows you're toxic.

If its not YABU and maybe she's just done with your shit. You're a horrible mother and I hope your daughter heals and has a lovely life free from you.

It sounds like there's a backstory going back years where you've made cruel digs and she's bit her tongue. However there's no point in reasoning with you as it sounds like you'll never accept you've done anything wrong. Do yourself a favour, re-read the email and have a think about all these incidents you can't even remember, and think if all written down, they make you sound nice

Why is my Mother on MN?

@LoveManyTrustfew

Sorry you're going through this too!

I will phone her like you have all advised but I’m not apologising for her over reacting.

Then what’s the point in phoning? she has told you she is upset.
It might have been a joke to you but it was clearly very hurtful to her. She is not overreacting YOU have upset her. You have hurt your daughter and are not even sorry.

You sound like my family op, and they are a bunch of passive aggressive narcissists.

Vile. Your daughter says that you've upset her, not once but multiple times. She always phones you, you never make contact with her. That's bad enough but then you mention her child (your grandchild)..... Have you even bothered checking in on the GC? What the hell is your problem? You are wrong, very very wrong. I imagine if your Daughter said she preferred her Dad to you it would upset you. Its probably true though, you don't sound like a great Mum to be honest. 🤔

I can’t believe the responses here. It was a joke. Do you get this upset every time someone makes a joke that you don’t like? Total over reaction on her part. I will phone her like you have all advised but I’m not apologising for her over reacting.

You just don't get it, do you?

You might have meant it as a joke. You might have thought it was obvious that you didn't mean it. You might have thought that your daughter would think it was funny.
NONE OF THAT MATTERS

Your daughter found it upsetting and hurtful. That is all that matters.

She even emailed to try and explain how hurt she was. And you didn't bother to reply. It doesn't matter how you choose to try and contact her: phone, email, text or letter. What matters is that you genuinely try to build bridges.

Don't you dare phone up and say that you are sorry that she overreacted or you are sorry that she couldn't take a joke. You need to say that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings and that you are sorry that you upset her.

OP you are a selfish idiot. This is your daughter, and you won't have her for much longer if you don't apologise for hurting her.
"I didn't mean to"
"It was a JOKE"
Are you 12?

I think your daughter will be better off if she never has any contact with you again.

I presume this is a reverse.

If not then you sound so much like my mum. She has a tendency to say horrible stuff and when called out she says “I was only joking” or “you are so sensitive” when it’s quite apparent that she wasn’t joking. She lacks social skills which appears to be the case with you. Oh and she also never apologies. Everything is followed by “I’m sorry, but”. She’s always the victim which you appear to be making yourself out to be.

Clearly there is more to this story and she has listed out other incidents so you hit a nerve. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM HERE. Also, she doesn’t owe you anything for things you do for her and her child. That was YOUR choice.

You seem to have a victim mentality so no doubt you won’t listen to what anyone is saying so I don’t know why you’ve bothered posting.

Well, you have two choices: carry on insisting that you were right and lose your daughter, or listen to her, admit that you got it wrong, and salvage your relationship. Which is more important to you, being right or having a daughter?

This is such a sad thread. Everyone deserves a mother who cares about their feelings, who thinks their relationship with their child is more important than misplaced pride.

But ultimately it's the mother who misses out because she won't share the time with her grandchild. She'll miss out on all the family milestones, the sharing the fun times. And all because her ego is more important than her family. She'd rather lose them than face up to her poor behaviour because as practically everyone has said, it's only a joke if both sides see the funny side. And saying you prefer one child to the other is deeply hurtful. But you seem hard of understanding, so you just won't get it.

When she stops letting you have any contact with your grandchild, then will you be bothered to apologise?

You need to apologise. And avoid accusing her of overreacting, or having no sense of humour, or minimising it with “but it was just a joke”.

If you can’t bring yourself to phone her, then email your apology. And btw, not phoning her because “she always phones me” is a rubbish excuse for not contacting her under these circumstances.

I’m also wondering how often you make these kind of “jokes”.
I used to have a toxic friend who would say all sorts of mean and nasty things to me as a “joke”. If I complained, then the standard response would be something like “but it was only a joke! You’re overreacting, you have no sense of humour, I can’t believe you’re suggesting I was being mean to you, you need to apologise to me for not liking my really funny joke” etc etc.

And honestly, there’s only so much of that sort of thing someone can take before you get to that one last “joke” that turns into the straw that broke the camels back.

I’ve no idea whether your “joke” is typical behaviour for you, but if you are in the habit of making bad “jokes” that are basically about your DD’s faults or how she’s not your favourite child, then you need to cut it out, or this scenario’s going to happen all over again at some point.

This is a reverse, but there was no need for it to be because your mother is a total twat and you don't need to ever contact the bitch again. It's not a joke, it's not funny, you are not overreacting and you don't deserve a toxic drain on your life like this.

Got to be a reverse

I’m amazed at the responses here. I thought she would realise that she was over reacting and get over this misunderstanding. In the email some of the she was talking about happened years ago supposedly. I can’t apologise for all of it when I don’t even remember it. I’m leaving now. Thank you for your responses.

I’m amazed at your response. I thought you would read them and realise you were an utter twatbasket.

She's better off without you as is her child.

WOW.

Stop the joking.

It's not a joke if the person you're telling it to doesn't find it funny. And since you've done it lots, it means that you're a very poor joke teller.

If you really love your DD and want a relationship with her, STOP THE CRAPPY JOKES AND PHONE HER.

Its not her, its you. Adults apologise when they screw up, abusers blame the other person for feeling hurt.