Daughter not speaking to me AIBU

[Bogstandardbob]

My daughter has decided that she is not speaking to me after taking a comment I made the wrong way. The comment was a joke but she has completely over reacted and cut me out of her life. She used to phone me once a week but I haven’t heard from her for weeks now although she’s allowed my grandchild to contact me a few times. She’s sent me an email explaining why she’s so upset but I don’t understand why she can’t see it was a joke. I haven’t contacted her at all since this happened as I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong. She’s taken it the wrong way so what can I do? AIBU?

Please don't apologise as you are not even the tiniest bit sorry. Literally the only post on this 9 page thread which agrees with you is by Greendale - so that tells you everything you need to know. I am so glad to hear your DD has challenged you. I really hope she has the support and can find the self-esteem to permanently cut contact. You sound so familiar. What an empty shell of a person.

Op won’t ever change her ways. My close friends dm is like this. Has alienated everyone and is NC with practically all family and lost most friends. Yet sees it as a big conspiracy against her.

A wise mumsnetter once said nobody is able to say ‘oh it’s me I’m the cunt’.

Ps I’m still quite cautious about this thread but I’ll bet my right arm one of the ---- parasites papers pick this up.

Even if this thread isn't real, it's highlighted the fact that there are many people out there whose mothers are intently cruel and controlling even into old age. It's very sad.

A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

Can we add “well what about that time you...”

But you have done something wrong, and you know you have, you didn't mean to but you have. Saying you haven't contacted her because she always phones you won't help. She's angry at you and you know why, so she won't call you. You need to suck it up, admit you did wrong and contact her.

She always phoned you but did you ever phone her? My mother never phoned me for a chat - when I mentioned it once she said "we're the parents, we don't have to"!

A mother's unconditional love, eh?

What a joke

@Bogstandardbob - think about what you've said and put your pride and ego aside

Surely your daughter is more important to you than 'who's right'

My mother also couldn't remember things she had said and done that had hurt me - either she couldn't remember, I had taken her up wrong or I should know (somehow) that she doesn't mean those things! All very convenient...

She’s probably “over reacting” in your eyes because it’s been years of build up. She outlined previous issues in her email. It’s time you listened to her and made changes if you want a relationship with her. Just because you’re her mother doesn’t mean you’re always right.

I bet there's a part of your daughter, despite her hurt and sadness, that's heaving a huge sigh of relief at having you out of her life, even if the respite is only temporary.

These type of comments which are derogatory to one person by favouring another are never actually said to make everyone laugh. They are destructive.

Op learn from your actions & apologising, but really understanding what you have said isn’t pleasant is your best course of action.

Making excuses isn’t an apology but just a poor defender for your poor behaviour

She's better off without you.

Joke and abuse -fine line and it looks like you have crossed it not just once but repeatedly. The fact that she remembers and you don't -speaks volumes.

Regardless of if you intended offence -or not. Write an apology say you are sorry -mean it and don't do it again.
Get in counselling -else you will be more alone than ever.

Bogstandardbob

I am going to go against the flow here and say that your daughter is being unreasonable....

To let the grandchild anywhere near you. Don't contact her, she is better off without you and your "jokes". Do make sure you prepare well for your old age and make sure that your favourite child is willing to provide you with care when the time comes.

She's probably had enough, and that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My mil prefers my husband to his brother. Is not in the slightest subtle about it. Makes life awkward for us, and poor bil must feel awful.

I'm sure the OP will be reading...

You sound like my grandmother, who treats my poor mum in the same contemptible way. Because it wasn't a joke, was it? You do prefer your son and you've probably been demonstrating that to your DD her whole life. And now she's finally snapped. Do her a favour and leave her alone to get on with her life without the toxicity of having a mum who doesn't respect or love her enough to say sorry for upsetting her.

Op your daughter hurting. Just reach out and make sure she knows you love her. Such a weird reaction to hang about for her to 'calm down'. Would you treat a friend like that? If yes you must be lonely. If no, then don't treat your daughter like that.
This is it OP. Doing nothing is a choice and will affect your relationship with your daughter.

The OPs not coming back are they?

You sound like my dad, thinks everythings just a 'joke' not realising the impact these 'jokes' have on others. Grow up. Contact your daughter ffs

I don’t know why everyone’s telling the op to apologise. Even if she did she wouldn’t mean it, and would mean less than nothing. I’d rather someone didn’t apologise than do it insincerely.

Better off not apologising and giving her daughter the reason she needs to go nc.

One of those people who thinks it's ok to say anything mean or rude as long as you then state 'it was a joke'

I don’t think the OP should call her daughter. The daughter has obviously been strong enough to make that leap into no contact, it sounds like the absolute best thing for her given how awful the OP sounds. Leave her alone to get on with her life without your narcissism.

I think op should message her dd. Then tell her to come to mn read your post so she will have people who get her there to support her.

You sound like my mil. If H says he has been hurt by sokethjg she's said or done she just goes into a sulk until he feels guilty enough to talk to her. I always tell him not to back down as she's being manipulative but he does. Well done to your daughter for not being manipulated by your sulking and refusing to respond to her email. Grow up and apologise for hurting her with your 'joke'.