AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

Same, once. At international school, there would be kids whose parents were in the military from all over, one day they would be there, the next day, gone. That's life.
OP, children learn the life lessons you were talking about, in the process of life happening.

Once upon a time, in my lovely little village primary school, I had a nice friend called Tamsin.

Tamsin’s family were moving away, so we said goodbye and made her a card as a class and Tamsin left.

On the day Tamsin was meant to not be in school anymore, she was, because she’d left behind her Sylvanian Families lunchbox. She ran into get it and then she was gone for good.

As a class we collapsed into an inconsolable collective heap on the floor, and cried so many tears that that a river ran straight down the corridor and pooled under the Headteracher’s door. Alarmed, he sprinted into 3B and, discovering us lying limply consumed in our grief, declared it a day of mourning and bid us to go home until we could make sense of the loss.

Only kidding OP. We opened our exercise books and got on with it, and wondered if there would be chocolate sponge and custard for lunch.

That’ll be the general reaction when your kids leave, I expect.

Why can't your kids let their classmates know?

I remember kids leaving my primary school. There was no song and dance about it... because it wasn't necessary. Certainly didn't bother us. Kids have left my DD's class this year to move on, she's not bothered.
Still can't get used to these snowflake attitudes. It's hardly a heart rending experience for all involved...

OP this is hilarious.

What are you hoping for upon your arrival at the new school? A sort of Olympics opening ceremony?

This is the strangest thing I have read in long time.

It would be nice if your DC got a card and the teacher asked everyone to wish them well on their new home and school but anything more than that is unnecessary imo. Perhaps if it was a school on a tiny island with 4 pupils that would warrant a bit more of an occasion but even then I think overly drawing attention to someone leaving is building it up into something scary and troubling rather than a normal change.

Nobody will give a shit after the first day. They’ll b well forgotten by the end of the week so why would they make a fuss?

This had been called harsh but the truth often is harsh!

In Forces schools abroad an entire year group can have a 75% change over a couple of years, only a few were remembered, usually not for the best of reasons.
Remember, today's news is tomorrow's chip wrapping. or it used to be!

But that’s not what you said in your OP. You said the school had ‘insulted your family’, which is why people are find it difficult to believe you are serious.

'Permission to feel sad, experience loss'

If one evokes these emotions when a class member, who they've possibly never played with, moves to a different town, what happens when an actual, real tragedy occurs?

They can't cope, is what happens.

It's really important to teach children resilience and to get some perspective in life.

Yes, an acknowledgment would be nice. But, this over the top dramatics helps no one.

And no,op, I'm afraid it doesn't just mean you're nicer than everyone else.

O...K....

I think the correct response is

Bye then.

Thus reminds of when a family from dds school was emigrating and they held a leaving party for the children but asked that we didn’t take presents as they wouldn’t be able to take them on the plane, so please give money instead.

Oh how we laughed.

Yes, the desk will have a new child come Monday and the class will be excited about that.

Copper bonnet, you describe a sensible process of what happened. I have managed it from my side as a parent, in the same way. I’m
Not asking for anything extravagant, at all...

Others, the email I sent was just copied to the teachers out of respect so I could ask permission to do something simple (like I said before) give out sweets/whatever ... just an acknowledgement. I’ve been told this isn’t to happen! It really feels like we are just to pretend nothing is happening. That’s not normal. Children need reality... that is the opposite of the snowflake generation. I’m not trying to wrap-them up... I’m trying to say ‘yes we are going, and everything is fine’ not ‘let’s pretend nothing is going to change and live in a bubble’

This is so funny, OP you can't be serious 😂

Agreed, Copperbonnet: I live in an area with lots of expats and people moving in and out of the area and that's what usually happens. The class makes a card (maybe, depends on the teacher) and then you have a leaving party yourself with your own and children's friends. Typically schools don't make a fuss about these things. It's up to the family themselves to say their goodbyes as they want to.

I guess in a small village like yours DazeinDays the school could try to be friendlier so there's no harm in you asking the teachers about it but YABU to feel 'insulted' if they say they do not intend to do anything special.

When I was 10, my best friend and two other close friends all moved away at the end of the same term. So three kids from one class that'd barely changed since reception leaving at the same time.

I found socialising difficult anyway and pretty much all of my friends disappearing from school overnight affected me badly. The rest of the class were not traumatised. I might've found it easier if there had been mass displays of grief but the truth is, most kids move on quickly. I'd expect support for anybody who will find it especially difficult for whatever reason but most kids don't need lessons on endings and permission to feel sad and all that.

Op, I think the message here is this is clearly a very big deal to you. And you youtself, and your kids, will feel a sense of loss, an ending, have new beginnings etc, and as a parent you need to support them through this.

However their school friends and teachers will not feel this to the same degree you will and you shoild not expect them to.

you can’t assume all these kids have support at home! It’s insulting to all of them. They are people too!

Ermmmm not really your problem

Don't you have packing to do?

Are you having a leaving party?

I know you have said a definite no to the party but is palm waving ceremony/riding out of town on donkeys backs still in the running because I've been googling some photos and the idea is growing on me.

I still go with ‘insulted’ as I don’t appreciate colluding with this weirdness pretending nothing is happening!

Carry on then.

I was removed from my first school abruptly when my Mum decided to finally give raising me and my brother a go (from birth to age 5 I was raised by my grandparents) that was traumatic as we never got a say in the matter and so had no chance to tell friends in our village that we were going - as chance and luck would have it - we went back to live with my grandparents in time for secondary school and some of my primary friends went to the same school!

So I got to ask them - did they remember us going? Was anything said by the school? Did it upset them?

Due to the circumstances of our moving they said that the school didn’t tell the class we had left until my friends went to ask the teacher, who simply replied “they’ve moved and so are going to a new school now” and as harsh as it sounds they said they just shrugged it off and got on with things :’)

I understand why you think there might be a more forward approach from the school but generally it’s not feasible - if your DC have had notice I’m sure they’ve told their friends/class and so they the other children will understand that they will be moving away and not worry too much - they might wonder how your DC are doing in a nice way here and there, but that’s generally how it goes I think.

@3luckystars 😂 that made me laugh!