AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

@poppy54321 Also I repeat a post I made earlier. Sometimes children move a lot due to jobs or even sensitive issues like custody battles/domestic violence where the mother/children are hiding and the family wouldn't want a fuss, obviously, and would appreciate their privacy. Ultimately it is not the teacher's nor the classes business why or if a family is leaving the school district. If children have friends at the school and wish to keep in contact, naturally the kids would tell their friends. But it certainly is not the business of the teacher to make a fuss, nor draw attention to it, for privacy reasons alone. If my child's teacher told the school we were moving, I would be furious with the teacher for not minding her business and for revealing personal information to a class. It is a need to know basis. Only friends of the child would care, and need to know. Not the entire class/school.

I'm not sure what you are expecting op. Leaving a school doesn't mean anyone is dealing with loss. You talk as if a child is dying, not moving to another school.

My children moved school part way through a term. The school didn't do anything, nor did I ask or expect them to. My children were there, told their friends they were leaving, then weren't there the next day. My children have coped fine, and I'm sure their friends have too.

No cards or anything else to mark the occasion, but I'm sure the teachers are too busy teaching to have time for this.

poppy
I think the point is that children come and go from schools.
Do we start having some arbitrary cut off where a fuss is only made if your family have been connected to the school for 5 or more years?

Most schools employ a bit of common sense, a goodbye, share some Haribo or cake on the final afternoon if parents bring them in and then any other leaving things are for the families to arrange with their children's friends.

Kids take their social cues from adults. If the adults are acting like there's some massive and potentially traumatic event happening then that's what the children will pick up on. If the adults acknowledge someone is leaving and allow children and families to make their own leaving arrangements then kids learn that people leave and move on and learn how to deal with it.

People talk about ‘getting the kids to make a card’ as if that happens by magic. In a KS1 classroom a teacher has to:

Plan when this will happen - what will the rest of the class be doing while a group of children is making the card? What work will the card-makers be missing out on?
Get the required paper and craft supplies from the stock cupboard in their lunch break.
Set up the table - probably no TA in the afternoon
Give the card-making children a brief, to steer them in the right direction and avoid a poor end result.
Allow time for the glue or decoration to dry.
Ask a child with the best handwriting to write an appropriate message.
Arrange for the rest of the class to sign it (which disrupts the flow of whatever else they are doing) and make sure that noone is missed out.
Somehow disguise all this activity from the leaving child
Clear up the table, as the space needs to be used for something else ASAP
Find a time to present the card.

I think what you are suggesting would make it more traumatic- a big fuss indicates it's a big deal and would cause more anxiety

Bizarrely this thread is making me feel much better. Genuinely not being snarky!! We are looking to move my son to a new school (not moving house) and he doesn’t want to go as all his friends are telling him they’ll miss him. If I can somehow explain to him in a nice way that they’ll all be fine he might feel better

I think people need to realise they're not as important as they think/thought they were.

Having been in a harsh business environment for 20 years I see it all the time. Not saying school is the same but in the grand scheme of things you're just another bunch of people. Time to move on.

A friend of my DS's was taken out of school to be home schooled (by his illiterate mum!) and apart from the other children occasionally asking if he was coming back, it really didn't impact on them much at all. Small village school with 15 kids in the class.
You're definitely over thinking this.

At most schools children come and children go. The life lesson here surely is "nothing's forever" but I would say your children need to see that for themselves. Rather sounds like the OP is the one that's making the drama!

With everything else schools are dealing with at the moment...

Are you bloody serious?

"All I asked as a suggestion was could they have their shirts signed by the other pupils" yea cos that won't be at all disruptive or time wasting 🙄

No! This is something for parents to manage. If necessary. As said kids are pretty resilient and adaptable.

Frankly it rather sounds as if what you're actually complaining about is lack of attention for your family just because you are moving away.

You claim it's out of concern for the children being left behind (however will they cope 🙄🙄) but actually school making a big deal of this could well make it HARDER for them not easier. Keeping things light and relaxed and "this is all perfectly normal, part of life" is far healthier.

I'm an army brat, I've got friends from all the schools I went to that I'm still in touch with. Initially it was by letter/occasional phone calls, then as technology developed into email and now via Sm.

It's part of life, you just get on with it.

I too am struggling to believe this is a serious post - reverse? Are you the class teacher?

Oh for heaven’s sake.🙄

Are you expecting a welcome party at the new school too, with balloons and cake?

For those saying that no-one would let a colleague they'd worked with for 6 years leave without a fuss.
Where I work, we get e-mails about every 3 or 4 weeks mentioning someone is leaving / there's a card to sign / collection if you want to contribute. 90% of these people I don't even know who they are. Half of the rest I might recognise the name but don't have a relationship with them. It will depend entirely on the nature of your work environment.
The same as, to some extent the nature of your school. In the last school I taught at when we were shaking our heads at the ridiculous nature or 'added value' stats from Reception to Yr6 we noted one year that there were only 2 children in Yr6, that had been there in Reception. Can you imaging the numbers that come and go throughout the school ? No work would ever be done if you had to make a song and dance every time someone moved.
Then of course, adding to the trauma for families that have to suddenly move overnight for one reason or another - making a fuss really, really doesn't help in those cases.

Schools sure are expected to take care of alot these days arent they? Remember the days when you went to school and apart from your education all the school were expected to give you was a bottle of milk and a free school meal (which was set and you ate it regardless of whether you liked it or not).
There were no school assistants to monitor playgrounds and you if got into a scuffle with friends you had to sort it out yourselves (a huge life lesson).
Now schools are in charge of (it seems) EVERYTHING.
Breakfasts, tooth brushing, toileting if children havent been taught. Sorting out issues with children, with social media, with parents both in and out of school hours.
And NOW IT SEEMS acting as councillors for every event that comes up within the childrens lives while they are at school.
When did all these roles go from being the responsibility of the parents/carers to the responsibility of the teachers.....im suprised theres any time left for education!

It does seem like an odd undervaluing if relationships.
I’m out vllage school it was always marked with 10 minutes of circle time when special friends said something, and a card signed by the whole class was given.

Ohyesiam
It's not under-valuing relationships. It's suggesting that it's not the best of use of lesson time (and a logistical nightmare) to have card making, signing, big fuss etc.

Every school I know days goodbye to kids who leave. Sometimes the wrap up 10 mins early to say goodbyes and the leaving child shares some sweets or cake. Anything else is up to family and friends to organise.

Why is it school's responsibility (along with everything else we are now apparently responsible for) to plan leaving celebrations and gifts etc.

Two examples of when I was in school:

1. Became friends with new girl in Class 2 (Year 4). In Year 6 she moved to Malvern Link. “Guess what, I’m moving! Oh, where to? Malvern Link. 🧐 Where’s that then? Not sure really.’” We wrote to each other once or twice, fizzled out. These days, we’d have been able to keep in touch via ours / parents’ social media. Wasn’t traumatised, but did wonder how her life went.

1. New girl with very unusual first name turns up in Class 1 (Year 6). My mum and dad were very good friends with people whose daughter had that name, and we’d played together as 3-5yr olds. Was the same person! Rekindled friendship, both moved to same secondary school then poof!! Off they disappeared again. Not traumatised, but again, did wonder how her life went. (Larinda Foulkes, if you’re on MN, get in touch!)

I left primary school half way through term cause we moved. My best friend gave me a card and a tube of Smarties. I don't remember the friend anymore...But I have never forgotten the Smarties 😂
I made a new best friend the day after we moved into our new house!

I also left high school mid year and when I went into class to pick something up I had left behind, the teacher told me shhhhhhshhhhttt!!! As I tried to say bye to that best friend on my way out the door 😂

None of the above incidents led me to crying for permission to be sad, needing counciling to learn how to express my emotions etc.

I think it is YOU who is struggling to cope with your sad feelings tbh and using the kids at school to drum up a fuss to satisfy those feelings.

I just hope you are not behaving like the over dramatic self important princess in front of your kids as you did in your post!!

It will be YOU who will traumatise them with the idea of moving, not the school.

Good luck with your move tho

Is this really about your kids? I know what you mean about it being sad etc, when I pulled my daughter out of a nursery I just left a note for the mums she had made friends with to see if I could arrange play dates outside of the nursery to continue friendships. It’s very dramatic to talk the way you are about being ‘insulted’ etc, is it you feeling anxious about leaving?

To be fair to OP a child left year3 and my eldest was inconsolable. He knew he would still see him weekly due to a hobby but didnt stop his personality being missed in class. Other kids were upset too & teacher had organised a memory book and also shed a tear. Its weird its not acknowledged. He still gets mentioned & is missed.

I'm so confused by this 😂 I had loads of friends move schools when I was younger and I just said bye etc. do you want the school to throw them a party or something ? They have a class of normally 30+ kids to teach they don't have time to be talking about your kids all day long get a grip

😂 is this a joke? Your kids are leaving what's the issue do you want a brass band playing?

Good God. I went to 14 schools, my sister went to 9 (we moved around constantly due to our mum's job.) Neither of us expected a song and dance on leaving, and my mother certainly didn't either!

Sorry but im actually laughing at this. I went to 8 schools (dad worked abroad) and im pretty sure someone moved on from our class at least fortnightly as they were all ex pats too. Traumatised we were not! Occasionally we got a card or we got an extra hours golden time on the leaving childs last day. Its really no biggie.

Yabu and have a massive ego. Hopefully this will knock some reality into you. Your children can speak up and tell their friends cant they. Who cares if they have been there x amount of years. You obviously dont realise that children leave school.
Send some sweets in and get over yourself.