AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

I can't decide whether you've totally lost the plot or you think your children are so special that their classmates are going to be traumatised by their leaving.

Either way it's a very entertaining thread.

Ummmm .... wtf? You do sound like an entitled princess OP.

Give over saying you emailed to see about handing some sweets out, and were refused. That's not what you said at all in your opening post!

No one is pretending nothing is happening. Their friends presumably already know, the teachers know. They're just not doing what you want them to do!

OP you said you think not acknowledging your children leaving with be 'damaging to all those left behind'

Do you not see that might be a tiny winy bit, errr, bonkers?

To put it into context OP, when my DS was 7 his class mate, who had recently been given the all clear from leukaemia, who’s hair had only just started to grow back, was killed in a car crash along with her mother. That was difficult. Kids moving school is a total non issue.

What planet are you on where you think people are pretending nothing is happening? Nobody’s trying to pretend anything; they’re just getting on with life and not making a song and dance out of some kids leaving.

I think you and the school have crossed wires. They might have thought you wanted a full-page spread/special assembly not just an acknowledgement. After all if your dc give out sweets on the last day of course the teacher is going to acknowledge this in some way. You never know, if you're well liked enough in the playground, the other mums might be organising a whip-round.

Who do you think you/your family are OP? That the school should have some sort of special leaving do/give out sweets/whatever you think ??

People leave, jobs move, life happens. Its somewhat normal - you know? In my daughters class, 3 kids have left since she started, and 4 have joined. No one knew when they left. There was no big deal, no big out pouring of grief, no big send off into the sunset. Why do you want the children to go through a range of emotions at such a young age - to bring to their attention someone is leaving and its sooooo sad? Thats mean. The new kids just started. No big fuss. These days it seems everyone wants a big hoo-hah when something happens. If your kids are affected by it - then you help them through that.

Are you in private school? Is this why you are expecting so much? Children have to study in school you know, not attend going away presentations etc.

The thing is though Daze that a big fuss isn’t necessarily beneficial. It just makes it harder.

Sometimes just taking things matter of factly is better.

If the school doesn’t allow sweets for birthdays then if won’t allow them for this either for consistency sake.

I’m sure the teachers will do a low key goodbye on the last day with a card.

We did a party for the kids but we didn’t do one for our own friends, it would have been too difficult.

We didn’t do anything dramatic at all.

The problem for you op, is that because you're the family leaving, it's emotional for you. But, It isn't the same for the teachers or the children who'll be in the same place the next day. Nothing much changes for them.

What has it got to do with the school though? Why should they do anything? We had a huge leaving party because we were moving to the other side of the world, and plenty of the parents and teachers came along too. (Small school) it was a good ending for my kids. why are you worried about how the other kids will cope? 😂

Is the overly high sense of importance a family trait, or is it just you?

“Why don’t you throw a leaving party?”

I think that is a great idea. Two of DD’s friends left in the middle of year 5 and both had leaving parties. As far as I know the school didn’t make a big deal of either of them leaving.

I mean this kindly, but I do think that your reaction is a little bit OTT.

I have to say that the level of impact that the OP believes that her family have on others is some what strange.

The reality is your kids know, their friends will know and school will know.

Children are resilient. They adapt and move on.
Most of the time when children leave there's a card and goodbyes and that's it. Someone else will join the class and it'll be a new friend to make.

It's the same when staff leave. If you tell students you're leaving then they're devastated for weeks but you know they'll be just fine after you've left. It'll be odd until they get used to the new teacher and then after that you've gone.

Sometimes people can overinflate the role they play in other people's lives. People keep in touch or don't. Life goes on.

OP , with it being a small village school, I expect the teachers’ main concern is wondering how the hell the school is going to manage with the loss of £6000 per year, which is the funding they will have been getting for your kids. 3 kids leaving at the same time can be the death of a small school these days. That’s possibly why they’re less than rapturous about the whole thing!

You have used a dramatic tone, OP - insulted, devalued, damage : impression has been made that you feel your family is the beating heart of this little school, and there is going to be a big emotional void when you are gone. It’s more than a little precious and self regarding.

Your children’s friends and playmates will miss them, in their own ways, for a while - and vice versa. I moved several times as a child and do regret, mildly, the loss of some of those close friendships.

But life goes on, change is more common than stasis for most people and it is a healthy part of growing up to learn to deal with this calmly as an individual, rather than have some constructed formalised event. Counselling after actual loss or trauma is very different.

Hold on, OP are you now saying something different than was in the OP. You say that all you emailed about was whether you could hand out sweets when your kids said goodbye, but were told “no”. Just do it in the playground, panic over! Although I am probably going to be up all night worrying about those poor poor kids who idolise your middle child, however they will cope?

Your kids moving school is huge to them. But very minor for the staff and students they leave behind. They have their own lives to get on with. School time is better spent on a million and one other things.

OP, the reality of the situation is that this is a bigger deal for you and your children, than the children at school. These children aren’t moving and will not really give your children’s departure much thought. I would ensure that anyone who is a close friend of your children has a chance to keep in touch if they wish, but that is it. It isn’t a wider school issue.

Are you a founding member of the school
Have you been chair of the ptfa and feel the school owes you something?
Have your children told their friends and had time to discuss it with them

I'm sure the teachers will use some of their last Friday afternoon session to chat about how exciting their move will be.
Any good teacher will look out for any lost looking friends and find them a new buddy.

But none of this has anything to do with respecting or disrespecting your family, what an odd statement to make.

Kids leave schools all the time - their classmates 'cope' fine and don't need any kind of counselling to deal with it!

If you want to mark the occasion in some way, throw a leaving party yourself so the kids can say goodbye, but don't expect the school to do anything if that's not their normal policy. (It is a bit mean that they won't let you hand out sweets though!)

Organise a goodbye tea for dc with friends to allow them to say goodbye. This isn't the school's responsibility and it sets a difficult precedent. Dd is year 6 and every year she'll comment that so and so has left but now xxxx has joined (school has a waiting list so as soon as one leaves another joins). Dc usually do something with their friends organised by the parents of dc who is leaving.

Many schools have forces dc who come and go a lot. Dc are adaptable and honestly don't massively notice if a dc moves on at primary except for the "best" friends of that dc.

Hi, I did send in treats on my kids last day at school. I know it much more restricted now with dietary requirements. However something else we did was buy a book for each child to donate to the school library. Their own children were absolutely thrilled to find a book with Mum or dads name in. Don’t know if it would be appropriate for you.