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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

387 replies

DazeinDays · 15/11/2018 21:31

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

OP posts:
WeirdHandDryers · 15/11/2018 22:09

LOL Wonton 😂

Pinkyyy · 15/11/2018 22:11

I just can't get over this thread

Truckkit · 15/11/2018 22:11

maybe it is harsh but honestly, no one will care.

Life moves on very quickly in schools.

corythatwas · 15/11/2018 22:11

A goodbye card would seem a normal and nice thing for the other children to do, perhaps encouraged by their teacher.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 15/11/2018 22:11

I think it’s sad for you and your children that you can’t cope with the realities of life without a massive fuss and a handhold, OP. That just proves a lack of emotional stability and you will end up contributing to the snowflake generation that can’t handle everyday life if you’re not careful.

londonrach · 15/11/2018 22:11

Op...imoved school three times in primary. Just left, no comnent. I know children came and went too during primary. 1980s. Life goes on...the children will just get on with being at school...honestly dont worry

SillySallySingsSongs · 15/11/2018 22:12

it’s just proving to me that you don’t have the compassion, kindness or social skills that my children and their friends do

Yeah that will be it Hmm

You are being seriously OTT

3luckystars · 15/11/2018 22:12

You could give out bits of palm branches to everyone and ride your children out on donkeys backs while everyone waves the palms at them.

Only messing! I just got that image in my head and thought it would make you laugh.

You could throw a party yourself, that would be nice.

BlancheM · 15/11/2018 22:13

Wait, you think that some children who don't have a support framework in place at home in the event of the profound classroom loss of your middle child are somehow going to be traumatised? You don't think they might have bigger fish to fry if their home life is so dire?
No one is dying- keep in touch with friends who are significant to your kids! You were efficient enough to bother the school head about a leaving 'process', so set up a whatsapp group/ get numbers of parents to let them know if you wish.

Seniorcitizen1 · 15/11/2018 22:13

OMG cant remember reading a more parhetic post in many a long year. You need to get over yourself - few if anyone will care that you are leaving - get a grip

Wednesdaypig · 15/11/2018 22:14

Nitpick I can understand a school psych getting involved if a pupil dies but when one leaves? Shock

arethereanyleftatall · 15/11/2018 22:14

If this is a joke post, you're doing well op at keeping it going.

If not, there is a very good reason you're getting the comments you are op. And it isn't because the posters are unkind, or lacking empathy. It's because your expectations are bonkers.

AngelsOnHigh · 15/11/2018 22:14

DazienDays, you are so right.

Just be thankful that you don't have to take these uncaring people home with you every day.

Thankfully, I think there are more people in the real world with your values .

WeirdHandDryers · 15/11/2018 22:15

Welcome to the next snowflake generation. Kids that need a psychologist when a minor incident occurs.

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 15/11/2018 22:15

I emailed the headteacher and class teachers

Erm, just how many teachers did you e-mail? Assuming your three child each have a different class teacher, that’s four including the Head. Way OTT.

Though, maybe it’s going to be like a sitcom plot where each of the four teachers on the email assume one of the other three has something arranged?

Original poster
DazeinDays · 15/11/2018 22:15

More party chat??? I never asked for a party or mentioned trauma. Those banging on about it ABVU!! I simply think an acknowledgment is respectful. I think all human beings deserve this!

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 15/11/2018 22:16

We withdrew our children from their school as we were leaving the U.K. and moving to the US for a number of years.

This is what happened in our school:

The children told their friends and the gossip got round. There was no need for an announcement.

On their last day one DC’s class gave them a card and the other DC’s class did not.

We handed our cards with email addresses to their friends who wanted them.

We wrote a letter to the school thanking them for all their hard work on our children’s behalf.

Some of their friends were very sad. There might even have been tears. But it wasn’t damaging to them and they moved on fairly quickly. Children are pretty adaptable when their own lives stay the same.

We threw a large going away party for the children’s friends as a way of saying goodbye and thank you. A number of children kindly brought gifts, made cards and wrote letters.

The children have stayed in touch with a number of children and visit them when we travel back for holidays. They just pick up again naturally where they left off.

I do think you are overthinking/over dramatising this a little.

Everyone will be a bit sad and then they will be fine.

RomaineCalm · 15/11/2018 22:16

But they haven't left yet. How do you know that there won't be an 'acknowledgment' if that's all you want.

andthelightshoneonandon · 15/11/2018 22:17

School psych talks to parents, friends group of the kids and coordinates with form teacher to have a little ‘ceremony’ in the class on the last day. Usually there’s an art project of some sort with everyone writing something and drawing. Photos are taken. Mention in the school & parish newsletters

And we wonder why children are turning into adults who can’t cope? A psychologist?!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I’ve heard it all.

fredleighton · 15/11/2018 22:17

As if teachers don't have enough to think about! I can't believe you're upset about this. I went to a small village school many years ago and occasionally children came and left. I'm not traumatised by it - even as a primary school child I grasped that people moved house!

skyesayshi · 15/11/2018 22:18

When DD’s year 6 friend left recently, they gave her a gift and said goodbye in assembly.

The girls all stay in touch on Instagram. They were sad for a minute then moved on. Kids are resilient.

If a child was very affected they would have a few THRIVE sessions if it was requested.

minipie · 15/11/2018 22:18

to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 15/11/2018 22:18

Are your kids the Messiah and his siblings that you feel that the poor little left behinds will need trauma counselling to get over them leaving?

DH was in the military. Kids came and went from schools all the time, even in the very small village schools. WeirdHandDryers was blunt about it, but spot on. No one notices after the first couple of days. There was never any fuss made about kids moving, that would be far more unsettling for them.

Even now, with my kids having been in the same school for around 6 years since DH demobbed, there’s loads of movement, kids in, kids out. And still no trauma counselling.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2018 22:21

Op, gosh, I'm not sure what to say. But when kids leave a school then it's usually just their friends say bye etc, and the teacher might say something nice at the end of class.

There is no sense of loss support, learning about endings etc. Kids are very resilient, once the kid leaves then really the kids just close their group and teachers know this.

There is no insult to your family.

Copperbonnet · 15/11/2018 22:21

They come out the front of the weekly assembly and are given a small gift

there’s a little ceremony for them

Nitpick that would have been absolutely disastrous for my children. To the extent that I would have refused participation.

They didn’t want to leave the U.K. and would have been terribly distressed at being brought out in front of the whole school. They’d have no doubt cried and felt humiliated.

And I have resilient, confident happy kids.

I’m really, really surprised an Wd Psych thinks that’s a good way to approach things tbh.