AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

As a teaching assistant I can say from experience that we would normally give home child a card on their last day and say goodbye as a class. A week later and it has become the new norm. I appreciate small classes will impact this but I honestly don’t think they will need lots of time to get used to the idea and I presume you will let your children keep in contact with old friends by phone?

You are right to expect a bit more, it’s a miserable attitude. But some schools are just funny like that.
Maybe you could get your children to give a small present and a goodbye card to all their classmates? Doesn’t have to cost a lot could just be some small sweets or something.

I am an ex primary teacher and often taught in schools where there was a high level of pupil mobility. Most of the time we didn't know when a child was leaving. We only knew after the fact.

If I did know in advance, then I would generally try to wish the parent and child well at the door on their last day and make sure that they left with all their possessions intact! I felt that my primary duty as a teacher was doing things like making sure that they had an up-to-date report or SEN plan in place, so that their next teacher had some idea of their attainment.

Making cards and getting all the children to sign it sounds like a nice idea, but that ties up a TA for half-an-hour. In that half-hour s/he could read with two, possibly three children, or work with a group in Maths or English. Shirt-signing is disruptive and ruins a perfectly good piece of uniform, plus gives children the idea that drawing on clothes is a good thing - which doesn't tend to go down well with other parents!

In a primary classroom there is always something going on and it really is a matter of priorities - looking back, if I could have prioritised anyone it would have been the child whose parent has just been removed from the house by social services, or been sent to prison, or whose mother had a chronic illness, or whose father was a bullying so-and-so (all real situations btw). Sorry.

Perhaps just give out some sweets in the playground on their last day? OK it with the head first though.

We used to attend a small village first school with up to 15 children in each class.

If anyone was moving on, the headteacher would mention it at parents assembly on a Friday and wish them well.

Some families had been at the school for 16+ years with their children. It was a big thing, when the last child finished first school.

I think it's nice to mention this at an assembly. It was a beautifully run village school with excellent teachers.

You're moving, no one has died.
If you want to do something invite close friends to yours, Its down to you, not the school.t
sounds like you think some children may be traumatised by your children leaving, which also sounds like you may be overestimating your importance in other peoples lives if they are not close friends!
Weird!!

Fuck me. That is all.

You are the one who chose to move, you deal with your kids.

Other than that - seriously!??? Catch a grip on yourself.

Damaging? Because someone in your class moves house and school??? No.

YANBU to feel a bit flat that school wouldn’t even mention it to the kids or get them to make a card.

YABVU to view this as an insult to your family

I remember children leaving when I was at school and there was a ‘It’s Susie’s last day, wish her lots of luck at her new school’ announcement from the teacher at the end of the day, and maybe a card signed by the class. We definitely didn’t have counselling to help us cope.

OP - I think if you’d asked for advice on how to support your children during a school move, you’d have had a much kinder reception. Because you’ve asked about ‘the process’ for handling their exit from the school and seem to be expecting it to be a major issue for the children remaining at the old school, you’ve come across as a bit full of yourself.

The reality is, this is primary school. Your children’s close friends will stay in touch - at least initially - but most will soon move on. That’s what happens with young children.

Last year, someone I went to school with died. I hadn’t seen him in years, but felt very shook up when I heard the news via a Facebook group. However, what really struck me was how many people said things like ‘Don’t remember him but RIP’. I didn’t understand how people could have completely forgotten someone they were at school with until they were at least 16. (Or why they felt the need to virtue signal by saying how sorry they were, but that’s another topic). But the reality is, they had forgotten. Children will forget much more quickly.

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I think you are understandably feel emotional about moving and have projected this onto the School. Kids leave schools all the time, I’m sure their friends and their teachers will say good bye. You asking about it is a bit unusual.

My eldest got a card and a goodbye, middle one got a card and went in with some sweets and cakes to share and youngest got a goodbye and we'll miss you. Their last day, was the last day before the xmas hols. We moved 2 weeks after xmas last year and i doubt highly most of the kids remember my lot now. Kids move on. Say to school a good bye on the last day and a card would be nice. If you want to, take cakes and sweets in, on the last day to share, job done.

Can I ask who this is damaging for?

You've decided to move, your DC's all know they are moving, they will have told their friends so they all know they are moving, everyone is in the loop, I really don't know how this is damaging to anyone and I really would genuinely like to know how you've decided it's damaging.

As for insulting, well I'm not even going there

I think it’s sad. You feel insulted probably because it has made you sad. Some families are very supportive of schools and get more attached than others. I like the leaves idea and cards are important. My older daughter had gifts from friends when she left which touched us as she hadn’t expected them. I threw a leaving party for a few children when one friend left early. I think it’s nice for teachers to organise a card and class discussion helpful. Some children have left suddenly with nothing being said which isn’t so good.

Would you let someone leave work after six years with nothing being said? That would be insulting. Are children less important and should be treated more thoughtlessly? I think they are seen this way to some adults and not seen as having the same feelings which is why you get the differing responses.

I think the main thing is that your children keep contact with the best friends from school as they will miss them and I know will be traumatic for them to think of their friends and not being able to contact them anymore. This could end up in long term good friendship that you as a parent should facilitate. When I changed schools as a child I didn't keep contact with my friends and I was quite sad for a long time till I was able to reunite. So that should be the main thing. Also you could take cake or treats for their classes on the last day. Give all pupils your new address / contact details. As some may also want to keep this contact! So I agree with the school, you can do this yourself. Give a good farewell, cards / presents to teachers and why not one card per pupil. You can make this as small or as big as you want. Good luck!

Yes, OP, I think you will have to be the proactive one here, given the attitude of the school and make sure your children still have ways to communicate with their friends if that's what they want to do.

This discussion has actually reminded me of a spoken word song Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen offering life advice from the perspective of an older person who has been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

People remember the 'wear sunscreen' advice at the beginning of the song but later on the following words appear:

Understand that friends come and go
But for the precious few you should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
Because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young^

I think there's a lot of truth in this. There's something to be said for keeping in touch with people with whom you have shared roots and shared early memories.

When DS was in Y4, his school received a fairly bad Ofsted report. As a result, a relatively large number of children in his year (almost 20 out of 60) were pulled out and transferred to other schools locally, including 4 or 5 that he'd been pretty close friends with - 1 was his actual "best" friend. In at least 1 case the school were not even told the child was leaving until the Friday morning as a new school was found for him on the Thursday for the following Monday.

My point being, if the school had held ceremonies, and assemblies, and got in Ed Psychs, and counsellors every time a child left that year, there would have been no actual education being done. The kids left behind coped, some saw their old friends out of school, other friendships went by the wayside. By the end of Y6 I doubt if half the kids were even remembered - certainly I recall mentioning one child's name to DS and being met with a blank "who?"

If children are upset at your family leaving, I'm sure support will be put in place for them.

@poppy54321 You said yourself your DD got gifts from FRIENDS. Not the entire class. And you threw a party for her FRIENDS. Not the entire class. There are privacy/legal reasons (such as custody disputes, no contact orders) that most schools don't make a fuss of children leaving. Additionally kids leave and sign up to schools regularly, no school can be expected to have a party or card for every single student that leaves. If workplaces had HIGH TURNOVERS like people leaving on average every week, I doubt they would. Attempting to compare schools where students come and go with a workplace is absurd. I wish people would think a little.

I have moved several times, each time class teachers have had the children in DC’s classes prepare handmade goodbye cards and on last day asked children to say goodbye. On the day before last day I have sent children in with small goodbye gifts for whole class and teacher. In past, sweets or chocolate. More recent years bulk bought items on line such as funky pens, erasers, pencils. Where I could, I have had goodbye party hiring hall or similar and catered myself. Where money tighter I have had gathering at hone with their close friends to say goodbye. I have encouraged my children to stay in touch with friends, sometimes only possible on-line due to distance. When move is closer I have re-visited school with children (usually at fairs or fireworks).

It's a long thread so I haven't read it all yet. But my dds went through a phase a couple of years ago of their friends leaving and they were gutted. They certainly didn't forget by the end of the week. Two girls moved back to Spain and Portugal, one girl moved to France and another, DD1's best friend since they were 2, moved to a different school. They both still talk about the girls and miss them. So while I don't think a party or counselling is in order, some acknowledgement that there might be children left behind who are suddenly a bit adrift might be helpful.

@Rockbird There is a big difference between school FRIENDS being sad, and the entire school needing to know.

@salemblackcat4 they have been there 6 years. we are talking about a card and a talk. You sound quite cross about something.

@poppy54321 6 years is nothing. They are primary school children, it doesn't mean anything! Kids often change schools. It is no big deal. It is nothing even remotely like work. I worked in a school, and it would be considered a breach of privacy. Only the child's friends need to know, not the entire class! As I said before, try actually thinking before posting.