AIBU to feel school has insulted my family

[DazeinDays]

I have 3 DC and we are soon to move home, and for them to move school.

We have loved the small village school that they all attend. We have been there for 6 years now, and it feels a big shift for us to leave.
I emailed the headteacher and class teachers to ask about what the process was on coming to an end, and anything we could prepare etc. I had an email back from one of the teachers, saying that they ‘didnt normally do or say anything when children left’ and it was ‘up to the children if they told their friends’.

I feel so upset by this, because surely for a child to vanish from class (very small classes too) without teachers guiding and supporting the class on how they cope with endings and change, is going to be damaging to all, on various levels? To me it is an important lesson in life, to learn about endings and adapting to new beginnings and given permission to feel sad, experience loss, etc. Why would school try and brush this under the carpet? And it feels like the time my kids have spent at the school is devalued in the teachers acting like it doesn’t matter at all that they are leaving.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed? AIBU?

Get over yourself, kids leave schools all the time, if they made a big deal of each one then there would be 3 or so big events a year.

A few years ago when my DS was primary school age, a girl in his class suddenly disappeared into the ether. (She had been bullied so badly she left the school.) The teacher told the remaining children off for asking questions about what had happened to her and they were not allowed to mention her name again.

On the other hand, when my DS left a different school, he received a handmade booklet in which all his classmates had written sweet messages. That's the way to do it!

Is the OP for real? How self-absorbed, obnoxious and utterly socially awkward. It is a SCHOOL. Teachers barely have time to teach as it is, and having worked in a school I can tell you that kids are joining the school and leaving the school constantly. Do you honestly believe they have time to arrange something to say goodbye to every.....single....child and family that move? Seriously, just actually think the logistics of that through. Never have I heard of a school in any country anywhere in the world where that would happen. Rather than insult your family, you've insulted a hard-working school with hard-working teachers on basic teacher wage who often work weekends and are flat out teaching the basics. Where on earth you actually got that schools would even have the time do something, let alone that it happens, who knows, but you seem very self-absorbed and as clueless as to how society works as Mr Bean.

Also another reason you may not have thought of. Sometimes children move a lot due to jobs or even sensitive issues like custody battles/domestic violence where the mother/children are hiding and the family wouldn't want a fuss, obviously, and would appreciate their privacy. Ultimately it is not the teacher's nor the classes business why or if a family is leaving the school district. If children have friends at the school and wish to keep in contact, naturally the kids would tell their friends. But it certainly is not the business of the teacher to make a fuss, nor draw attention to it, for privacy reasons alone. If my child's teacher told the school we were moving, I would be furious with the teacher for not minding her business and for revealing personal information to a class. You seem to lack social skills yourself, tbh.

I left my primary school mid way through - starting the new school in year 5. I barely remember anything about the previous school. I felt weird the first day at my new school (they played different versions of playground games) but I am still very close friends with people from the new school I went to.

The life lesson is that its easy to transition from one place to another, kids are very resilient and flexible, it need not be accompanied by any drama - there will always be new friends and experiences to be had.

So I actually think there's no need to make a big song and dance about it - you might actually stoke anxiety in your children that they otherwise wouldn't have had. And don't be offended or insulted by the school's response - its not such an extraordinary event. Chill sister! Life goes on and no one will be traumatised by your kids leaving.

@DazeinDays did you ever actually attend formal schooling in an actual school? Because I am beginning to think you were homeschooled thus simply don't understand and lack awareness of how schools operate.

I think you are being a teeny weeny bit very precious.

I have a friend that works in the school place allocation for Bradford City Council. Some children simply go to school on Monday and disappear on Tuesday. Maybe their parents have moved abroad or somewhere else in the UK, maybe they are children of economic migrants that return home when the work ends, some are children of travellers.

I hate to say it but no one will give it a second thought by Christmas.

That's life, this is not a death.

My child in a similar sort of school had a class-made card. It was nice at the time.

It's individual to the teacher imo. But to me it shows a bit of a lack of responsiveness to normal changes.

Good luck with your move op.

My dd’s Old primary would do shirt signing and a card signed by all the kids. I think it’s odd not to do anything. People on this thread are being very rude, I’m sure OP is not expecting a leaving ceremony but just something to wish her kids luck in their new school and a memory from their friends.

I can answer your original question, OP.

What are other people’s experiences of leaving mid way through term and how that is managed?

We live in a naval base area, and kids came and went all the time in our little rural village school, at all times of the year. Some kids appeared for just a few weeks, sometimes they were here a couple of years and then vanished, mid term.

It wasn't managed at all. They just literally vanished. One week they were there, in class, the next they were gone. We didn't even question it. It was just what happened. No big deal. Sometimes it took some of us several weeks to even notice a classmate was no longer there. Then we shrugged our shoulders, had a "oh, they've moved" moment and then got on with being a kid.

I expect much the same reaction from today's kids. They're fairly pragmatic, after all. My niece, on being commiserated about the death of her granny, told her teacher that it was okay, because she had another one. Pragmatic and a tad sociopathic, actually.

Enjoy your new life, and I'm sure your three kids will settle in wonderfully without a backward glance (I hope they do!).

I hope you've started the 'process' with your neighbours and wider community, local shop assistants, the postman, your Hermes delivery man, they are humans too 😂 you can't just expect them to cope with the sudden shock of you not being there anymore!

Nobody will give a shit after the first day. They’ll b well forgotten by the end of the week so why would they make a fuss?

Although a bit harsh there is more than an element of truth in it.

Your children are old enough to tell their friends they are leaving, their friends are old enough to tell their parents IF they are upset at this and their parents will deal with it at home or the teachers will deal with in class like any other upset. Most children have groups of friends so one leaving is not usually a big deal, any one to one relationships the parents will know about by now. You dont need to worry about the other children as they will be absolutely fine.

If you want your dc to take sweets in on their last day to give out do it, but don't expect the teachers to make a song and dance about it as for the other children in the class it isn't, and doesn't need made into, a big thing. It may be for your children who are moving and they will be supported by you at home.

We lived in a big naval city when I was young, children came and went all the time, due to fathers being posted abroad, with their families accompanying them.

If we'd had farewell do's every time, or counselling, we'd never have got any schoolwork done. ( And I don't think we or the leavers, were traumatised by it - we never gave it a second thought!)

Absolutely bonkers but I doubt the OP will be convinced otherwise so will have to carry on feeling insulted

Hate to let you know, but a couple of weeks down the line they'll all have pretty much forgotten. I remember a girl leaving at top end of primary, all the other girls were in floods of tears "never forget" etc.
Next day they were all excited about the new girl coming in and I never heard her name mentioned again until when they left primary and they did an assembly, and listed all the children who had started in reception. One of the girls commented "who's she? I don't remember her."
It wasn't even a high turnover school.

I do not see why you think this is the schools responsibility? Why don't you arrange something yourself instead of expecting the school to? I changed schools at the age of 10, and my parents organised a leaving party with my closest friends.

Why do I feel like this is all about you OP? Would you like them to bring you into the school and have all the children prepare a so g and dance to wave you off?

I'm sure the teachers will be organising a party. In the staff room.

YANBU really- but I wouldn't take it personally. However, I only say that because the lack of response is very common.

I do agree, OP, that schools should mark these transitions. It's a teachable moment- a time to acknowledge relationships, to develop emotional vocabulary, to discuss and learn about ways of staying in touch- how to write a letter or an email, for example.

In many urban schools, there's a real churn pf people moving in and out due to things like refugee status, gentrification/being priced out, scarcity of jobs etc. The class relationships and functionality (ie impact on teaching and learning) is disrupted nearly every time someone new arrives. That needs to be handled with care so that everyone is supported adequately.

Even when my 3 year old's nursery buddy was on holiday, he was really quite sad and drifted around wistfully for two weeks until he returned.

I used to be a school teacher, and I'm also a parent who's moved many times for work. There is an impact on the kids.

😳🙄 Ok.....
So what action are you proposing re the 'insulting my family'? Letter to the Govenors? Local paper? Demand recompense?
Utterly ludicrous behaviour from presumably an inflated sense of self worth OP, I'm sure both the school and your DCs will survive unscathed.
Perhaps you need to organise a village 'Farewell ' party as a grand send off?

I hope you've started the 'process' with your neighbours and wider community, local shop assistants, the postman, your Hermes delivery man, they are humans too 😂 you can't just expect them to cope with the sudden shock of you not being there anymore!

I still have a few friends from primary school, but I moved around a few times so don't have contact with the earlier ones. Never upset me as a child, just think of them as a fond memory. No need to be dramatic, children are far more resilient than you think.

It's been quite common in my working life for people to just leave too, I think it's important for children to learn that somethings just end as this is likely to happen in adulthood.

My ds's school made a big deal about it when 2 children moved to a sen school. The headmaster did a little speech in assembly and their class signed a card each time. I think one of the children brought in cake. I don't think any of the other children who moved got anything though. There has been a lot of children coming and going. Ds1 went off to secondary school last year and there were only 10 children in his class who had been there from reception to year 6.

For those saying teachers don't have time: marking people's departures doesn't have to be a huge thing. It can easily be woven into the fabric of routine. And it can become part of the everyday teaching and learning opportunities.

Would you want your kids' teaching to have a relationship with your children? Would you want the kids in the class to know each other; to care when they are sad or unwell? Isn't being in a class of children an important place to learn about being empathic; listening; sharing and caring? If not, that's a bit sad. And if you do, well- you can't have a relationship without some kind of response to the need to say goodbye.

And if you think that's a bit naive and woolly, then consider how useful those skills of care, listening and empathy are for UK business and your children's future careers (eg customer service; market research etc)

I have two grown up kids and I can with the benefit of hindsight really see what they lost by moving around so much. Whilst the OP's personal response might feel a bit cloying, the idea is still important.

Actually I think spannablue is correct. It's an opportunity for a teacher to model how to deal respectfully with people leaving. After all similar scenarios will be encountered in the workplace. Yes, the planet is heaving with human beings and no one is that special but to be able to acknowledge that someone is leaving in a graceful and supportive way is a good life lesson.

I remember once having a leaving do at work and nobody from my group attended or wished me well for the future in any way. The attendees came from other groups within the organisation. I did feel a bit sad that there was no acknowledgement at all from my direct colleagues and can't help but think they might have benefitted from a teacher showing them how to behave when someone leaves in primary school.